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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are all sharing a large platter of food do you take your full share before passing on?

43 replies

passedtoosoon · 17/12/2025 15:42

I went to a wedding recently and the food was brought to the table on one large platter for sharing.

The set up:

At our table we had me, DH, sister and BIL. Then 4 friends of the bride who we didn't know (2 women 2 men) - just in case you think appetite might be an issue. We were all approx 28 to 38 yr old. Wedding was in the UK but from a different part to us.

Dinner:

It was handed to 'our side' first between us we took about 1/4 of the plate and passed it. To let everyone get some dinner then put the rest back in the middle to share - there was nothing left to put back in the middle.

Similar issue with the wine. I wouldn't have expected that to be 'even' DH + BIL don't drink wine and I was pregnant. 4 bottles of wine in total on the table my sister got one glass and when asked them to pass it down for a top up they said sorry empty.

In general they were lovely lovely people easy to talk to and very friendly

YABU - That wasn't rude
YANBU - It was rude

OP posts:
TeaRoseTallulah · 17/12/2025 15:46

I've read your post 2x and still don't understand,been a long day! So there wasn't enough food?

namechange3651 · 17/12/2025 15:50

It sounds like you were considerate about the other sides ‘needs’ and the other side didn’t think about it at all - may not have been deliberate, just a bit thoughtless! I would’ve thought the main problem is there just wasn’t enough food or drink.

Original poster
passedtoosoon · 17/12/2025 15:51

TeaRoseTallulah · 17/12/2025 15:46

I've read your post 2x and still don't understand,been a long day! So there wasn't enough food?

Sorry, probably me and my lack of explaining skills!

Basically there was enough food for 8 people. Our set of 4 took a small portion in order to pass the sharing plate on quickly - as everyone was watching the plate.

The other set of 4 then split the rest. If I had been part of the 2nd set of 4 I would have also taken a small portion then put the plate back in the centre for sharing

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/12/2025 15:52

One large platter between eight sounds a recipe for disaster. So four of you shared a quarter of the food and the other four had the remaining three quarters? You should have taken your half while you had the platter! But it does sound as if the platters weren’t very generously filled in the first place.

fairlyfairtoday · 17/12/2025 15:53

I would take the full amount I wanted, but no more than my share- so if there were 10 people and I were hungry I would take a tenth. I think you underserved yourselves so you can't complain.

StrawberrySquash · 17/12/2025 15:55

What was the food issue? 2 people took a quarter of it between them for a table of 8? That works in the sense of you took your full share.

Then the wine it sounds like they went quite hard. Did sister drink quite slowly? That would probably affect my answer there. I wouldn't necessarily hold back lots on wine if someone else was drinking particularly slowly. Eventually table wine runs out and you have to go to the bar.

HanSB · 17/12/2025 15:55

It's a weird set-up, I wouldn't expect a sharing platter to be for an entire table of 8, it would be more sensible to have 2 platters for 4 people. The way you did it would be the considerate way. It seems like they thought that you were done and they could finish the rest off but the wine is really inconsiderate.

Original poster
passedtoosoon · 17/12/2025 15:55

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/12/2025 15:52

One large platter between eight sounds a recipe for disaster. So four of you shared a quarter of the food and the other four had the remaining three quarters? You should have taken your half while you had the platter! But it does sound as if the platters weren’t very generously filled in the first place.

To be honest the whole thing made me very uncomfortable. Everyone watching you put the food on your plate.

The food tasted great but was from a catering mini van thing so they just had what they had and you couldn't ask for extra potato or something to fill the gap.

OP posts:
SummaLuvin · 17/12/2025 15:56

I don't think there's a set etiquette, which is the problem here. You took a small amount expecting to have seconds. They thought everyone was taking their full share from the off so presumed what had been passed along to them was their portion and you had already taken what you wanted. I've been in the situation before, and on these larger round tables you can't really see what platters look like before they come to you, so I don't blame them.

BillieWiper · 17/12/2025 15:57

If I didn't know the other people well I'd probably take my full share the first time. Just to avoid having to keep going back which could be awkward, or to avoid your situation where I would feel hard done by.

I tend not to eat much in these type of gatherings due to anxiety. So tbh I'd be the one guzzling wine but not really putting much food on my plate. I guess hopefully that means I'm only half greedy?! 🤣

justpassmethemouse · 17/12/2025 15:58

StrawberrySquash · 17/12/2025 15:55

What was the food issue? 2 people took a quarter of it between them for a table of 8? That works in the sense of you took your full share.

Then the wine it sounds like they went quite hard. Did sister drink quite slowly? That would probably affect my answer there. I wouldn't necessarily hold back lots on wine if someone else was drinking particularly slowly. Eventually table wine runs out and you have to go to the bar.

I think OP means the 4 in her family took only a quarter of the food, not just her and her DH.

LocalHobo · 17/12/2025 15:58

I think with the booze it is tricky at events set up like this. You never know if you should make your glass last or, if once a bottle is empty, the caterers will replace it with a full one.
Your table mates sound thoughtless. I think I would have had to have made a passive aggressive comment along the lines of "Let's hope the pudding is served individually or I'll be left with a small portion of that as well as the mains" but then I am a nasty, hungry person.

SummaLuvin · 17/12/2025 15:58

It's annoying, but you aren't eating at a wedding for the purpose of survival, so ultimately not a big deal.

StrawberrySquash · 17/12/2025 15:58

Ah, okay, I see 4 of you took a quarter. I think you probably underserved yourselves a bit. Yeah, these things can be tricky to judge well. Especially on something without an obvious portion size. Sometimes you graze of seconds, sometimes you serve yourself an eighth of the dish and eat that.

I was caught like this once with a third person who said she didn't want any of our main order. She then proceeded to snaffle part of mine and I regretted not taking my full half!

TheMorgenmuffel · 17/12/2025 15:59

If your side took some and passed it over i expect they just thought you'd taken all you wanted

They should have checked but maybe they thought what's left was theirs rather than it being a game of pass the plate.

caringcarer · 17/12/2025 16:00

It sounds like there wasn't enough food for 8 if people were still left hungry.

Mincepietastic · 17/12/2025 16:02

For the food, I think I might have assumed you didn't want more than that if you'd not taken your share.

For the wine, that's not on though, whenever I pour another glass I'd always check whether anyone else wanted a top-up.

CandyCaneKisses · 17/12/2025 16:03

There wasn’t enough food.

Overthebow · 17/12/2025 16:03

Did you say you were just taking some and then would go back for more later? Otherwise they probably thought you’d all taken what you wanted so they could have the rest. There’s no set way of doing this so needs proper communication of what you are doing.

mindutopia · 17/12/2025 16:04

If it was a sharing platter across 8 people, I’d take 1/8 - unless I wanted less. I wouldn’t leave extra for everyone else assuming they would leave it for me, because 5-8 can’t tell that you took 1/8 or like 1/16 because they only got the platter once it’s been partially emptied.

Similarly, I wouldn’t not refill my glass just because I wasn’t sure how much everyone else had. I mean, I don’t drink anyway. But I assume if there is wine, it’s for drinking if no one else is drinking it. If I wanted more to drink though, I’d also just go ask or go to the bar and pay.

dontmalbeconme · 17/12/2025 16:04

I would assume that you'd all take your full share. If you wanted and intended to eat your full share, then what logic is there in not taking it?

In terms of the wine, I'd expect it to be dotted around the table for everyone to help themselves to, it seems odd that all 4 bottles ended up at the other end of the table.

Platters honestly sound a like a rubbish idea at a wedding.

ToffeePennie · 17/12/2025 16:07

Sounds like a similar wedding we went to where it was “ploughman’s” lunches for everyone but there was not enough food to go around and everyone ended up being too polite to take the last sausage roll (even though you could tell everyone was still really hungry)
The wine was a similar story and there wasn’t enough for the 10 people crammed around a table meant for 6 max.
I honestly think it’s thoughtless on behalf of the other side, but I have learned to say very loudly “I’ll just take a small amount now, to get it round quicker! That way we can all share once it’s in the middle”.

UxmalFan · 17/12/2025 16:07

It was just a misunderstanding about the food. They thought you'd taken what you wanted and finished the rest. Then they tucked into the wine!

pizzaHeart · 17/12/2025 16:07

SummaLuvin · 17/12/2025 15:56

I don't think there's a set etiquette, which is the problem here. You took a small amount expecting to have seconds. They thought everyone was taking their full share from the off so presumed what had been passed along to them was their portion and you had already taken what you wanted. I've been in the situation before, and on these larger round tables you can't really see what platters look like before they come to you, so I don't blame them.

This^
however it’s different for wine. I would expect wine to be put in the middle, one person pours a glass for each of you and then offers to top up again to each of you when doing his/ her own.

User5306921 · 17/12/2025 16:08

Yes of course it was rude for some to take a full share. People should take a little and then go back for more after ensuring everyone had something. The same way you’d pass veg at home. You don’t pile up your own plate!
I had a friend who took filled her plate in a tapas restaurant. She was pretty ignorant and lacked manners in general but really showed herself up in restaurants.