Mentally draining friend causing anxiety

[VictorianRose87]

I can't deal with my friend's constant complaints and negativity any more, it's really wearing me down.
She's suffered with anxiety and depression for the past 10 years, which she won't get professional help for. I've tried my best to support her all this time but I really can't take it any more. She's became extremely needy and self absorbed.

We communicate through Facebook messenger as we live far apart, and she's sends me messages every day. It's just a constant stream of negativity, all her worries and woes. Never asking about my life or how I am.

Over the past couple of months I've been trying to distance myself. I take a couple of days to reply (but new messages keep coming) or I'll "react" to a message to acknowledge it, instead of replying.

It's starting to really affect me now. I feel like she's dragging me down with her. I have my own problems at the moment and I don't have the mental capacity to deal with hers too, I don't even want to hear about them. I'm now at the stage that when I see a message pop up from her, I feel anxious. It fills me with dread.

I've changed the settings on messenger so she can no longer see when I'm online, or when I've read her messages.

I don't want to hurt her or make things worse for her. She only has two other friends, who she also doesn't see much, so I know she's lonely. She has expressed jealousy when I spend time with other friends, which also makes me feel uneasy.

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this or what I can say to her, I'd be really grateful. I feel like I'm being a terrible friend, but I really be to put myself first at the moment.
I'd like to tell her I'm taking a big step back. I just don't know how to do it, as I know she won't take it well.

“Hi friend I am having a really hard time myself right now, I am sure you understand that I need to take a little break from the world and get my head back together. I’ll send you a message when I’m feeling better.” And then balls in your court if you want to message her again and start it all up when your feeling a bit better. She sounds like a massive drain.

I do think you should be honest with her - just a case of how to word it. I feel for both of you but she really does need to get professional help.

I’ve been through this before. It’s really tough but you need to pull back. You probably care about your friend a lot but you can’t fix her or change anything for her. It’s horrible she’s struggling, but we all have our own lives and we can’t be responsible for others happiness.

You have a few options

1. you pull back completely, ghost and end the friendship (not ideal but it’s been done before)
2. you are honest with friend, “that sounds awful, I’m actually going through a lot right now so I’m not in the best position to support you as I’m just keeping afloat myself - I’ll message again in a few weeks”
3. mute to convo and check it weekly
4. tell your friend how you feel, sorry you’re struggling and all but you never ask me how I am the friendship is quite one sided

I think if you want to keep the friendship then you need to be honest, you’re actually not in the best position to support her right now and you do feel like she never asks how you are etc.

Watching with interest as I have the same thing with a colleague at the moment. Utterly draining.

I had to do this over Covid with a friend I thought would be in my life forever. I was going through a lot myself at the time and couldn’t all deal with her anymore.

I went full low contact then cut contact for my own sake. It’s so difficult and I did feel guilty but needed to protect my own peace.
I would explain you’re at capacity yourself and need some space, if she doesn’t take it we’ll just cut contact if needed for your own sake.

I had an extended family member start something g like this a number of years ago. It escalated to the point that they indicated they were having thoughts of self harm. Mentally I was not in a position myself to deal with it and it was having a negative impact on met. I ended up reaching out to their immediate family to raise some concerns. It turned wasn’t the first time they’d done something like it before more than once. I all for supporting people, especially in times of need but not to the detriment of your own health.

Had this with a girl at work constant phone calls.. I just said Im not on my phone as much now and constant pressure to be available. Took hint I think. God op draining isnt it ..

It really is draining! There's only so much people can take.
I really do feel terrible about the whole situation but I know my mental health is important too

I think this is a really good suggestion

Im not sure that endlessly listening and containing her worries is actually helpful to her. As you know, she needs some kind of professional support, and she will need to realize that in her own time. Offloading to you every day is possibly delaying her getting to that point. So what feels like 'supporting' her may actually not be what she needs, even though of course you're doing it with the best of intentions

I do agree.

I've suggested therapy and medicine to her before (as have her family and old friends) but she always has an excuse/reason not to go for this. It's very frustrating and exhausting.

Send the message that you are taking a break and stop replying.
She has completely taken your peace, you are simply an earhole for her complaints.
She is not your friend.
Friends are interested in you, she's not.
I had a few people like that in my life.
I cut them off after the penny dropped I was just free counselling.
I never regretted it and have been very careful as to whom I become newly friendly with in the past 25 years as a result.

"She has expressed jealousy when I spend time with other friends"

This is completely unacceptable.

Block her on everything.

I think this comment is perfect. I have to agree with another poster who says she’s not your friend. Real friends, even if anxious or depressed, can still find time to ask how you are. She just wants a sounding board but doesn’t actually want real help.

She's a bloodsucker. I have a friend like that who never showed any interest in me except to moan at. I now keep contact at a minimum.

Just throwing it out there: moaning is just some people's personality.

So when you say taking a step back, what do you mean by that? You're not likely to ever be in a position to be proper friends if this is just how she is, so just stop replying.

She never used to be like this. We used to have a lot in common back in the day but as we've gotten older, we've both changed.

I would like to stay in occasional contact with her as we've known each other for so long. I just don't have it in me to support her any more.

@VictorianRose87 Just be honest with her, you've made suggestions to help and she doesn't want to take them. Tell her it's wearing you down, all her negativity and you don't want to end the friendship but if she doesn't stop it being constant then that is what you'll have to do.

I think you need to be reminded

Its not your responsibility to fix her problems
Its not your responsibility to make her happy
its not your responsibility to make sure she is heard
Its not your responsibility to manage her emotions
Its not your responsibility...

Drop the rope. (google)
The Meaning of "Drop the Rope"
"Dropping the rope" refers to a conscious decision to stop participating in a tug-of-war dynamic within a relationship or situation. In a tug-of-war, both sides must pull for the struggle to continue. By "dropping the rope," you are unilaterally ending the struggle, accepting the situation as it is, rather than fighting to change the other person or the circumstances.
This action is not about not caring; it is about setting a boundary and taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being and energy.
"Energy Vampires"
An "energy vampire" (also called an "energy sucker") is a popular psychology term for a person who emotionally or mentally drains others, leaving them feeling exhausted, stressed, or overwhelmed after interactions. These individuals often feed on the willingness of empathetic people to listen and care for them.
Common traits of energy vampires include:
Constant need for attention: They always want to be the center of attention and talk about themselves.
Lack of accountability: They rarely take responsibility for their actions and often shift blame onto others.
No reciprocity: They take energy but do not offer support in return, making the relationship feel unbalanced.
Drama and negativity: They may thrive on crisis, complain a lot, or be overly negative, creating conflict.
How "Dropping the Rope" Relates to an "Energy Vampire"
When dealing with an energy vampire, the "rope" represents the draining interaction itself—the argument, the endless complaints, or the emotional manipulation. By "dropping the rope," you effectively turn off their energy supply, as they can no longer feed off your reactions or attention.
Strategies for "dropping the rope" with an energy vampire often involve:
Setting firm boundaries: Clearly communicating what behavior you will and will not accept.
Limiting interaction: Minimizing the time spent with the person or creating physical/emotional distance.
Refusing to engage in conflict: Not getting drawn into arguments or drama.
Prioritizing your own needs: Acknowledging that your well-being is important and you deserve relationships where you feel valued and safe.
Taking these steps helps preserve your energy and protect yourself from the emotional distress caused by the draining dynamic.

Energy vampire describes her perfectly!

Type into google something similar to "how do i break free from an energy vampire" - it will give you rafts of information on what to do, how to act. what to say (or not say)

Thank you very much, I certainly will do.
She messaged again this afternoon, despite the fact that I haven't even responded to her last three messages (all sent within 16 ish hours btw)

I think you should be honest rather than ignoring her, which may well make it worse. She doesn’t sound very self-aware. I have a friend who has come through a hard few years, just can’t deal with negativity any more and has had to terminate some relationships. You say, ‘friend, I am not emotionally capable of dealing with constant negativity. I feel you constantly trauma-dump on me and it’s too draining to be sustainable. Please consider what I’ve previously suggested about therapy. I hope with this in mind that you understand I’m going to take some time out for myself now.’
Then mute her. Hopefully she’ll have a good think but it’ll probably be a slow one.

Thank you, that's helpful.
I don't mean to ignore her, it just gets very overwhelming sometimes.

Sorry to hear that you're going through the same! I think maybe these people just don't realise how self absorbed they can be.