Dating Heartbreak AIBU?

MondeoFan · 2025-12-17T07:53:17+00:00

So….ive been dating for about a year now. One man for 2 months, then another for 2 months, then one for 5 months, another for a month now the last one for 2 months. First one had erratic behaviour so I ended it with him, the other 4 all ended it with me. Various reasons “Ive realised I’m not quite ready” “we are 2 different people” etc but the latest one we’d been on 7 dates over a 2 month period and was about to go on number 8 this weekend. All was going well or so I thought and I felt quite smitten with him. Finished work to a text yesterday saying “you’re a really lovely person and I’m probably a bit too fussy but this isn’t going any further” he then said “you probably think I’ve met someone else but I def haven’t, and it’s nothing you’ve done or said, I’m just too fussy” I can’t lie. I’m quite upset about it and now ready to give up dating altogether. I can’t keep putting myself through it can I? I then start blaming myself and think it must be me, and run it over and over in my head until I’ve literally pulled myself apart. I just feel so deflated. AIBU to just stop dating….take myself off all the dating sites etc

NowThatsWhatICallRecent · 17/12/2025 08:07

A break from dating apps might do you the world of good. You've been unlucky so far in that you haven't found the right person. On the other hand it does sound like the men you've met were fundamentally decent - they've ended things respectfully with you, no ghosting or game playing - this should actually give you hope in the long run.

It's very hard not to do the 'what did I do wrong' thing in your head, but you haven't done anything wrong - you were yourself, and, purely by chance, you haven't yet met a person who is the right match for you - that's all there is to it.

Maybe take a break for a couple of months, and dive back in when you've had a chance to recover from the latest disappointment.

I'm sure you're doing this anyway, but do take the chance to get out and about and meet people in real life. I was 'online dating' (pre the days of apps, this was when you visited sites on your desktop PC) but I actually met my now DH in the old-fashioned way after kicking myself up the bum to go out one night when I was moping round the house after my most recent online date had 'ghosted' me.

CandyCaneKisses · 17/12/2025 08:10

It’s never unreasonable to take a break. Are you jumping into deep too fast and it’s scaring them off?

Lmnop22 · 17/12/2025 08:10

I think you definitely need to take a break, sounds like you’ve dated 5 men literally back to back without a week in between to take stock and recover.

I would also make sure you’re being fussy too because I don’t know where you’ve found 5 date worthy men on the trot but leave some for the rest of us 😂

Im sorry this man hurt your feelings but at least he was open and told you - you weren’t ghosted and left wondering if he was hit by a bus and you aren’t being led on or finding out years down the line that he isn’t that into you and will never commit. Nothing is wrong with you, you just weren’t his person and, in my experience, it’s very rare that I feel a romantic connection with someone even if I think they’re utterly lovely and would make a good partner to someone so try not to frame it like an insult or rejection to you personally (easier said than done I know!)

smallsilvercloud · 17/12/2025 08:16

I think you did well to find men to date so long with each one, it must mean you quite an easy going person? I wonder if each man was really what you were looking for either?
Most relationships are short term, and long term comes along less often.

Christmaseree · 17/12/2025 08:18

Did you actually like all these men or just wanted to date/have a boyfriend?

Original poster

MondeoFan · 17/12/2025 08:20

@CandyCaneKissesi don’t think so. I make it very clear at the start that I’m not after ONS or FWB and I’m looking to date only. On the first date I think “I’m not sure about them” then the more I see them the more they grow on me then it ends abruptly. That’s my take on it anyway. The 5 month one, we tried to make it work but it was difficult as he works 7 days a week, is living with his mum at the moment and had kids to fit in inbetween, he ended it and said he wants me to find some more more suitable and what I deserve. I wanted to wait for him to sort his shit out so to speak.

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Original poster

MondeoFan · 17/12/2025 08:20

@CandyCaneKissesi don’t think so. I make it very clear at the start that I’m not after ONS or FWB and I’m looking to date only. On the first date I think “I’m not sure about them” then the more I see them the more they grow on me then it ends abruptly. That’s my take on it anyway. The 5 month one, we tried to make it work but it was difficult as he works 7 days a week, is living with his mum at the moment and had kids to fit in inbetween, he ended it and said he wants me to find some more more suitable and what I deserve. I wanted to wait for him to sort his shit out so to speak.

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Original poster

MondeoFan · 17/12/2025 08:20

@CandyCaneKissesi don’t think so. I make it very clear at the start that I’m not after ONS or FWB and I’m looking to date only. On the first date I think “I’m not sure about them” then the more I see them the more they grow on me then it ends abruptly. That’s my take on it anyway. The 5 month one, we tried to make it work but it was difficult as he works 7 days a week, is living with his mum at the moment and had kids to fit in inbetween, he ended it and said he wants me to find some more more suitable and what I deserve. I wanted to wait for him to sort his shit out so to speak.

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Original poster

MondeoFan · 17/12/2025 08:20

@CandyCaneKissesi don’t think so. I make it very clear at the start that I’m not after ONS or FWB and I’m looking to date only. On the first date I think “I’m not sure about them” then the more I see them the more they grow on me then it ends abruptly. That’s my take on it anyway. The 5 month one, we tried to make it work but it was difficult as he works 7 days a week, is living with his mum at the moment and had kids to fit in inbetween, he ended it and said he wants me to find some more more suitable and what I deserve. I wanted to wait for him to sort his shit out so to speak.

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Enrichetta · 17/12/2025 08:20

What @NowThatsWhatICallRecent said

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MondeoFan · 17/12/2025 08:23

@Christmasereethe first one I did as we had “music” in common I was hoping for a gig buddy. Second one I thought he was ok and wasn’t quite sure but he ended it stating not being ready. 3rd one was the 5 month one. I did really like him. 4th one was from a car club that I go to so in paper it was a good match but in reality we wasn’t a good fit other than the cars in common. Last one I was smitten with him.

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MondeoFan · 17/12/2025 08:23

@NowThatsWhatICallRecentthank you. That’s really good advice. It’s made me feel better

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Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:24

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Original poster

MondeoFan · 17/12/2025 08:25

@smallsilvercloud2 of them definitely were. I just see everyone I know with a “partner” “husband” and I think I can’t even hold onto one. I feel like I have a lot to offer. I do.

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MondeoFan · 17/12/2025 08:26

@Premierinnoki do work. I have a decent job, drive, own house, friends, car club with friends there, I’m always out and about, busy etc

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Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:27

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Finality · 17/12/2025 08:28

Have a look at alittlenudge on instagram. Really changed my mindset on dating, and her advice and scripts work in friendships and work relationships too.

SoLongLuminosity · 17/12/2025 08:31

You do need to seperate what they say from what they do.

Yes, it's nice he said he wants you yo find someone suitable but what he means is that he doesn't want to date you anymore: that's the message, he's just made it sound palatable.

I do think you'd benefit from stepping away from then idea of finding someone to the idea of finding someone you like spending time with. Find friends, hobbies, travel. Basically make this a small part of your life rather than the focus.

alternatively, if youre determined to online date, could you aim to just do a few messages to set up a coffee date, make it short, and plan a few with different men each week? Keeping the ones you like and sift out then others until you whittle it down? Takes the pressure off.

DallazMajor · 17/12/2025 08:35

Were any of these men emotionally available?

wheelywheelynice · 17/12/2025 08:40

Take a break and oin the Burned Haystack Dating Method on Facebook.

gogomomo2 · 17/12/2025 08:42

You have been unlucky so far but the next one can be “the one” I’ve been in your position, completely demoralised (though I did end each one because I thankfully realised they weren’t right). Literally a week after I remember being upset at the thought of never meeting anyone decent I met my now husband, I m ew before we even met in person he was different, he wasn’t playing the dating game , he just like me had an ex spouse who “wanted different things” and dumped him once kids were grown. Tge rest is history for me and you’ll find someone too

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MondeoFan · 17/12/2025 08:49

@DallazMajori think only 1 out of them all

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Didimum · 17/12/2025 08:53

Do take a break. Not because it’s not valid to want to find a partner, but because you’re not feeling great about it all. You’ll likely get into a better headspace by removing yourself for a bit.

That was not a pleasant text to receive, so I’m sorry he was that tactless. There are better ways to say that you’re not feeling a relationship.

Bikergran · 17/12/2025 09:08

Sounds like you expect every date to be the one that becomes your "happy ever after". Take it more lightly, treat your dates as a fun way of spending your time, with fewer expectations. Love has a way of popping up when you least expect it, but is very elusive if you actually go looking for it.

Catza · 17/12/2025 09:41

MondeoFan · 17/12/2025 08:25

@smallsilvercloud2 of them definitely were. I just see everyone I know with a “partner” “husband” and I think I can’t even hold onto one. I feel like I have a lot to offer. I do.

Ok, this tells me quite a lot about your situation (as well as your earlier comment about being ready to wait for someone who clearly hasn't got his shit together and may never do).
You are approaching this from the position of "lack" and that creates some relationship anxiety. That's a doomed enterprise from the start.
So yes, I would take a break for a while and fall in love with your life instead. You should be 100% comfortable being alone, then you have a chance of meeting a much better match. It's not some manifestation mumbo-jumbo but basic psychology. When our brain is wired to search for "the one", we subconsciously edit aspects of our personality and also become hypervigilant. This affects our dating behaviour which the other person is picking up on whether we like it or not. This also puts us at risk of grabbing something which is "good enough" rather than "fully aligns with me" and, inevitably leads to dating incompatible partners and.. breakups.
I suspect this is why you managed to score 5 relationships in a year. Realistically, you would have probably dismissed half of them at the chatting stage and another half after the first "I'm not sure about this" date.
The first date, of course, shouldn't be "I want to marry this person" but it should definitely be "ok, there are zero incompatibilities here so far and I am curious to get to know him". Anything less doesn't warrant a second date.