Dating Heartbreak AIBU?

[MondeoFan]

So….ive been dating for about a year now. One man for 2 months, then another for 2 months, then one for 5 months, another for a month now the last one for 2 months. First one had erratic behaviour so I ended it with him, the other 4 all ended it with me. Various reasons “Ive realised I’m not quite ready” “we are 2 different people” etc

but the latest one we’d been on 7 dates over a 2 month period and was about to go on number 8 this weekend. All was going well or so I thought and I felt quite smitten with him. Finished work to a text yesterday saying “you’re a really lovely person and I’m probably a bit too fussy but this isn’t going any further” he then said “you probably think I’ve met someone else but I def haven’t, and it’s nothing you’ve done or said, I’m just too fussy”

I can’t lie. I’m quite upset about it and now ready to give up dating altogether. I can’t keep putting myself through it can I? I then start blaming myself and think it must be me, and run it over and over in my head until I’ve literally pulled myself apart. I just feel so deflated. AIBU to just stop dating….take myself off all the dating sites etc

Its not you. Dating sites have changed the culture. Rather than meeting a person organically, feeling attraction, getting to know that person, then deciding to date them, we now approach it like ordering a consumable on line, trying it on for size, then returning it to try one of the alternatives we can see in an instant, simply by opening the ap.
The sites lay countless possibilities in front of us, far more potential options than we'd ever encounter if we were just going about our lives and meeting potential matches by chance. This has led to a kid in a sweet shop mentality.

Id also agree 💯 with @NowThatsWhatICallRecent

I'd say youre not ready to date, you need to break and focus on you for a while, you seem to have an air of desperation about you that make you ripe for picking by a particular type of man, you're seeking too hard, youre making yourself vulnerable and you're putting yourself down (what did I do, is it me) - this screams that you've not made peace with yourself yet and placing your happiness in some random stranger to make ot all "happy ever after" is a recipe for disaster. For example The 5 month one, ...it was difficult as he works 7 days a week, is living with his mum at the moment and had kids to fit in inbetween, he ended it and said he wants me to find some more more suitable and what I deserve. I wanted to wait for him to sort his shit out so to speak.

This guy had a lot of red flags, and you just let them go, he wasnt available, wasnt able to prioritise you, wasnt financially stable, no home, - but you were still willing to wait for him to sort his shit out? its a good job this guy wasnt a narcissist cock lodger, because he would have had you all turned round in a love bombing spree and have moved in within 2 months, kids and all. You had a lucky escape there. If he had been, this could have been a very different post.

I dont know quite how to phrase it but you need to be happy enough within your self enough to see, avoid and prevent this type of stuff and I dont think you are just yet. Take some time, focus on you, forget about finding "the one" - happiness isnt provided by someone else. Dont place your happiness elsewhere, you have to be really careful because youre making yourself vulnerable.

OP, you have dated 5 men in one year. That's 11 months of not being single. My strong feeling here is that you want 'a boyfriend' not a specific man, and are willing to overlook certain incompatibilities in order to have one. It is massively off-putting to be dating someone who wants 'a partner' - any old partner will do. You don't feel special, you feel like a commodity. A bit invisible. Like you could be anyone, and if it weren't you, someone else would be just as suitable. I'd bet these men are picking up on this, and they don't feel there's a genuine spark, just a needy yearning to not be single.

Step back. Think hard about exactly what you want from a man, and from a relationship. I don't mean get so picky that you overlook lovely men who don't tick every box, but really consider what true compatibility would be - what kind of humour, how would you love to spend weekends, if you want pets, if you later children? What about political views, financial attitudes, views on marriage, faith, health and fitness. Do they prefer city, suburbs or rural life? Are they ruthlessly ambitious at work or happy to earn less but be around more? etc - the big things that actually matter day to day. Just get a clearer picture so when you date again you are more aware of whether the man is actually someone who is truly suited to you. These men will sense you are picky and respond way better if you seem to genuinely like one of them for who he really is, not because there's a hole in your life you are craving to fill with anyone who is willing to have another date.

OP, with kindness, you need to have a break from dating and take care of yourself. Take a 6 month break and reevaluate in summer. I can almost guarantee that you’ll find your single groove, love it and not want a man again 😂

I think you need to change your mindset. You are getting too invested far too early. Being ‘heartbroken’ over a virtual stranger that you’ve met a total of 7 times is crazy. It takes a lot longer than that to really get to know someone and figure out whether you are a suitable match. I would start off by seeing the meeting as a friendship, rather than a potential relationship, as the odds of ending up in a long term relationship with any given random person that you meet online, is actually fairly small. Most people need to go on a lot of dates before finding someone where there is mutual interest and compatibility.

@Finalitythank you I’ve added her on insta

@Bikergranand I think that might be the problem! I think I do do that

@5128gapyou’ve hit the nail on the head with this

Just to add aswell I have been single for around 10 years btw. I haven’t wanted to date for the past 9 years as I hadn’t long had another baby and just wanted to concentrate on my self and my baby, so I just had a FWB instead for 9 year (the same person the whole time) then last October 2024 I thought perhaps I was ready to date so I joined a couple of dating sites hence having 5 different partners in a year. For those people saying I’m not ready to date. I do know what I’m looking for and that is a potential gig partner, someone that drives, non smoker, works, likes holidays, road trips, weekends away etc

aside from all that I don’t have a certain “type” and not bothered about kids/no kids, been married before etc

Hey OP .
I’m in the same boat , well I was & I’ve taken a break since .
I met a guy through work April 24 , he asked me out , I said no at the time because if it didn’t go well I didn’t want to have to seeing him every day .. We clicked , & I was attracted to him but just kept it friendly .
Roll on August 25 , he had moved to a diff project/ Area .
We reconnected, dated , everything just seemed great , I cancelled one date in October ( I couldn’t get out of work ) & he got all funny on me & messaged me eve that I cancelled & finished it !!!!
And that was it 🤷🏻‍♀️.
I’m taking time out , how long for ? Not a clue 🤷🏻‍♀️
No interest at the moment anyway .
It’s good to take a break too .
Like you I was very disappointed x

@Missj25just because you cancelled one date? Doesn’t make sense does it. I really want to date as been single 9 ish years, but now I’ve dipped my toe into dating I think I don’t want to keep putting myself through it. Start dating - think it’s going somewhere then BOOM - sorry it’s not you it’s me, sorry I’m still not over my ex etc etc 🥴

I’m separated 10 years !!!
I’m 50 now , I’ve dated here & there over the years but just never met my person at the same time .
He was actually my favourite, & before we ever dated as I said I met him & work , we use to have coffee , chat, got on great 🤷🏻‍♀️ .
He said in his message there was something off when we were together the day before hand but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was , eventhough everything was fine until I had to cancel the date we had planned for following weekend !!! go figure 🤷🏻‍♀️ .
I was fairly disappointed at the time , I’m fine again , but at the same time wary now of dating .
Like you think everything is going great but obviously they’re thinking differently .
So Time out now , in the summer again I’ll probably go back on the dating scene.

@Missj25im 52 btw - i heard a lot of people take themselves off the apps etc this time of year with it being Christmas, then go back on again towards the end of January.
im a very loving and honest, genuine person. But sometimes im scared to be myself when dating incase i get hurt. So I don’t often explain how i feel to them through fear of being hurt. I find myself taking over an hour to reply back to text messages when in reality I want to reply straight away, but incase they think im too keen etc. Crazy isn’t it.
but don’t think ill meet anyone else like my last one. He was something special

OP , you think he was someone special because it’s just after happening to you .
I was the same in October , but because it’s 2 months on now I realise for whatever reasons, we’re obviously not suited , or we would be still seeing each other & it really is that simple .
In another few months you’ll come to realise that too , it just sucks at the minute cause it’s fresh x .

I would seriously work on that before getting back to dating. Again, I am familiar with how you feel and it took a really shitty breakup with a long-ish term partner to sit back, look objectively at my relationship history and realise a few hard truths:

You want someone who will live you for who you are. Yes, it means not going for the first guy or the tenth guy. Yes, it means being comfortable with "rejection" after the first or second date (putting rejection in inverted commas because one can't reject someone one doesn't know yet). But the guy you do eventually meet will be the guy for whom you will never have to edit yourself again. And that is what is special!!

Self-abandonment is the worst form of self-neglect and leads to very unhappy relationships. You stop liking yourself and the other person follows suit.
Be OK with loosing the wrong people. Think about what YOU would like. Do you want a guy to message you immediately after getting your text? Then you have to also be that person. If you play games like answering an hour later you will either attract a guy who likes playing games or repel the one who is looking for a genuine connection.

Always, always, always be yourself. Even when it is scary.

For the first time in my life I am dating that way. And, oh my god, it's so easy! I told my new guy that I am not a domestic goddess so I don't have to tidy up when he visits. I told him I don't cook so he makes every meal. I call him whenever I want. I tell him what I like about him and does the same for me. We just have the best time filled with laughter, warmth and ease. And I never have to pretend to be anything I am not. And neither does he. And if it doesn't work out...well, we had a wonderful time.

And it just made me realise that my last relationship was hell that made me into an anxious mess of a person who thought I was too old, not fit enough, not earning enough money, not keeping clean enough house...Never again!

Please, for the love of god, try to be yourself. It is so liberating and there are wonderful men out there who are looking for exactly the woman like you. Don't waste your precious time editing yourself for the wrong ones.

What you say makes perfect sense pp . Only thing I don’t agree is , when two people are seeing one another for a couple of months they’re just getting to know one another , it’s very early days , but if one decides they don’t wish to see the other anymore for whatever reasons 🤷🏻‍♀️, it still is being rejected .
And rejection feels shitty !

I can take the rejection if it’s mutual or if I’m not particularly keen on them. What hurts is that I thought it was going well. He said all the right things etc the last date we had on Saturday was wonderful, spent 6 hours together. Text me when he got home to say he had a really nice time, then next day text to ask if I was free this weekend, following day just idle chit chat then following day Boom! It’s over 😞

Ah it is a balls alright when you feel like everything is going good .x