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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex H not buying dd a Christmas present?

29 replies

Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:02

aibu to think this is a shitty move?
long story as short as I can but will answer qus if needed.
we have 3 children 17, 14,11. Husband was ok with kids when they were very small- not amazing but he played with them etc. as they got older he was less able to cope with them not doing exactly what he wants and basically them having a mind of their own. He largely ignored them, most of the communication he had was to shout at them or tell them off. Dd17 has told me in recent years she went from ages 12-15 not feeling like she could ask him anything, a couple of pounds to go out with friends, if he was in a room she would leave etc, she felt on edge. We split up 2 years ago and I’ve encouraged a relationship between them but dd14 had a spell of about 6 months not speaking to him because of how he is. (Self centred, quick tempered, ignorant of other people’s feelings) and has said some horrible things in the past, mainly to me but increasingly to dc as they’ve got older.
dd17 was on speaking terms with him but something has changed I think she’s been thinking about things and thinking that how he was with her means she doesn’t want him in her life. I’ve tried to say to not cut him out completely just be civil as she may feel differently when she’s older, but she’s adamant. She’s not spoken to him at all in 6 months and she has changed her surname by deed poll. He was understandably upset about this but I had warned him for years even before we split up that their relationship would break if he didn’t improve how he was.

anyway she didn’t wish him happy birthday in September or get him a gift, and now he’s said (to me) she doesn’t care and isn’t making an effort with him so he’s not bothering getting her anything. (Her siblings will get presents from him)

yabu- it goes two ways, if she can’t be bothered then why should he?

yanbu- as the parent he should be making an effort and showing he loves her regardless and this will only make her more sure that he doesn’t care

OP posts:
ItsFridayIminLoveJS · 16/12/2025 14:07

This could be my daughter you are talking about.. although she is 32 now.. but this happened to her and she's had no contact with her dad for 16 years... ( although no siblings to him).. she's honestly a better person for not having him in her life... her MH improved greatly.. we are really close along with her older sister ( different Dads). It never bothered her.. I gave her peace of mind.

Original poster
Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:12

ItsFridayIminLoveJS · 16/12/2025 14:07

This could be my daughter you are talking about.. although she is 32 now.. but this happened to her and she's had no contact with her dad for 16 years... ( although no siblings to him).. she's honestly a better person for not having him in her life... her MH improved greatly.. we are really close along with her older sister ( different Dads). It never bothered her.. I gave her peace of mind.

Thanks, it’s just sad though isn’t it. I can’t imagine ever not trying to have a relationship with my kids, or thinking well they aren’t trying then I’m not trying. I could maybe understand if it had been 10 years but everything is so fresh, not to mention her being a hormonal teenager so everything is dramatic and seems worse than it is. Surely you would just keep showing up and hoping something works?
the name change thing he has taken as a personal insult and it’s all about how it affects him, I’ve tried saying but think how she must be feeling and hurting to do something that drastic, but you can only mediate so much can’t you

OP posts:
hazelowens · 16/12/2025 14:17

Do we have the same ex husband? My ex was fantastic with kids when they are little but the minute they got confidence too say no to him or tell him he was wrong about stuff he lost interest. After baby #3 he wanted to try for another one but I knew that he would lose interest like he did with our older boys. Our middle son stop seeing him on a regular basis when he was 16. He is now 21 and he only sees him if they bump into each other in town. Our youngest hasn't been into see him in over 8 weeks

The boys will get money in a card and a selection box if they are lucky.

TheatricalLife · 16/12/2025 14:31

He sounds like a total shit, but would she even want a present from him? I wouldn't. It's just a reminder of the person you are trying to forget.

Original poster
Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:35

TheatricalLife · 16/12/2025 14:31

He sounds like a total shit, but would she even want a present from him? I wouldn't. It's just a reminder of the person you are trying to forget.

No you’re right she probably wouldn’t. But even though she says she hates him and wants nothing to do with him I can see she’s hurt and I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing for him to confirm that he’s just not that arsed.

OP posts:
OrangeTrees7 · 16/12/2025 14:40

This is his doing but she’s now chosen to cut ties. Regardless of age she’s made it clear she wishes to remove herself from his life.
does she really want a gift from him if she feels so strongly about how she dislikes his behaviour? I removed myself from my fathers life age 12…I neither wanted anything from him or felt he should after that.

BruFord · 16/12/2025 14:40

He's reaping what he’s sowed @Millindugu As the parent (esp. of a teenager) you do need to be the bigger person and reach out to them. Of course he should get her a present, but if he doesn’t, this situation will continue and he’ll lose her. His loss, he doesn’t sound like much of a loss to your DD tbh.

TheatricalLife · 16/12/2025 14:41

Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:35

No you’re right she probably wouldn’t. But even though she says she hates him and wants nothing to do with him I can see she’s hurt and I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing for him to confirm that he’s just not that arsed.

Show quote history

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about that other than support her through the hurt. He's your ex, and a crap dad. You can't force him to be better. He will most likely always be a crap dad as he always has been, so I don't see the point of pretending it's otherwise. She is 17 and knows the score by now. No amount of half arsed gifts through the mail will make up for his behaviour or mask the way he really feels.
Encourage her to be open with you and talk about whatever she wants. I wouldn't get involved in the relationship between the two of them though, especially without her blessing.

Original poster
Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:42

BruFord · 16/12/2025 14:40

He's reaping what he’s sowed @Millindugu As the parent (esp. of a teenager) you do need to be the bigger person and reach out to them. Of course he should get her a present, but if he doesn’t, this situation will continue and he’ll lose her. His loss, he doesn’t sound like much of a loss to your DD tbh.

No she’s not missing out, I’m just sad for her

OP posts:
Original poster
Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:43

OrangeTrees7 · 16/12/2025 14:40

This is his doing but she’s now chosen to cut ties. Regardless of age she’s made it clear she wishes to remove herself from his life.
does she really want a gift from him if she feels so strongly about how she dislikes his behaviour? I removed myself from my fathers life age 12…I neither wanted anything from him or felt he should after that.

You’re right I think it’s more my issue than hers. She would say she doesn’t want anything from him. I just find it hard to wrap my head around how you can disconnect from your child so easily and hardly even try to restore some kind of relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:44

TheatricalLife · 16/12/2025 14:41

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about that other than support her through the hurt. He's your ex, and a crap dad. You can't force him to be better. He will most likely always be a crap dad as he always has been, so I don't see the point of pretending it's otherwise. She is 17 and knows the score by now. No amount of half arsed gifts through the mail will make up for his behaviour or mask the way he really feels.
Encourage her to be open with you and talk about whatever she wants. I wouldn't get involved in the relationship between the two of them though, especially without her blessing.

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Thank you

OP posts:
TheatricalLife · 16/12/2025 14:47

Oh and to add, you sound like a lovely and caring mum. She has you! ❤️

OhDear111 · 16/12/2025 14:47

Men punish people when they don’t do exactly as they wish. It’s control. When they realise they aren’t in control, they lash out. He should be the adult and try. Of course he’s a child too. Sad, but men don’t all make great dads when they see themselves as the most important person and punish anyone with different views.

Original poster
Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:48

TheatricalLife · 16/12/2025 14:47

Oh and to add, you sound like a lovely and caring mum. She has you! ❤️

That’s very kind thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:49

OhDear111 · 16/12/2025 14:47

Men punish people when they don’t do exactly as they wish. It’s control. When they realise they aren’t in control, they lash out. He should be the adult and try. Of course he’s a child too. Sad, but men don’t all make great dads when they see themselves as the most important person and punish anyone with different views.

Edited

Unfortunately I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there

OP posts:
OrangeTrees7 · 16/12/2025 14:49

Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:43

You’re right I think it’s more my issue than hers. She would say she doesn’t want anything from him. I just find it hard to wrap my head around how you can disconnect from your child so easily and hardly even try to restore some kind of relationship

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Your issue lies with your ex, you can’t fathom how you both brought wonderful children into the world and he can so callously treat them. I get it, I saw my mother go through the same. Your daughter will reflect in a few years time and see the choice was right. She doesn’t need half arsed love ❤️

Minjou · 16/12/2025 14:55

Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:35

No you’re right she probably wouldn’t. But even though she says she hates him and wants nothing to do with him I can see she’s hurt and I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing for him to confirm that he’s just not that arsed.

Show quote history

Thing is, it doesn't matter whether we think it's ok, or you think it's ok, he's going to do whatever he wants. You can't do anything about it, not should you be trying to. It's not your business.

Your role is to support your children and be there if and when he upsets them.

Kizmet1 · 16/12/2025 15:02

I think long term it is better for him to show his colours and help her hold a strong boundary with him now, than play nice because she's still a teenager only to let her down again further down the line. She might be hurt by his behaviour, but this is who he is and it is best that she knows that.

MyBrightPeer · 16/12/2025 15:06

His job as the parent isn’t to engage in tit for tat but to show unconditional love for his children. If he chooses not to get a gift, don’t be surprised if the relationship ends there.

StitchHappens · 16/12/2025 15:13

Millindugu · 16/12/2025 14:42

No she’s not missing out, I’m just sad for her

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I understand how you feel. You need to unwrap why you're sad for her though? In my case it was because I wanted my kids to have a relationship with my ex that he wasn't ever going to provide. Once I made my peace with what it was he was offering them (fa) I found it much easier to accept that my DS chooses not to have him in his life.

Original poster
Millindugu · 16/12/2025 15:20

Minjou · 16/12/2025 14:55

Thing is, it doesn't matter whether we think it's ok, or you think it's ok, he's going to do whatever he wants. You can't do anything about it, not should you be trying to. It's not your business.

Your role is to support your children and be there if and when he upsets them.

Show quote history

You’re right. And I wasn’t going to interfere or do anything about it. Just having a rant really and seeing if other people would think he’s being shitty

OP posts:
ShodAndShadySenators · 16/12/2025 15:20

If you did succeed in getting him to get her a present, what difference would it make? He's still a crap dad and your children are getting the measure of him. It's up to them if they want to pursue the relationship with him or whether they let it go. It's not too difficult to foresee that in time they will (probably) all stop bothering with him at all, since they don't get any benefits from their relationship with him. They get all the good feels from their mum who has been there for them forever, so they will maintain their relationship with you as you all benefit.

Him though? He's very much reaped what he's sown, and if he doesn't like the crop that's on him. He's unlikely to change how he is now or in the future. It sounds like at core he's a selfish individual who focuses on how he perceives things to be and never considers it from another's PoV, so that's how it'll be. His loss.

Original poster
Millindugu · 16/12/2025 15:21

Kizmet1 · 16/12/2025 15:02

I think long term it is better for him to show his colours and help her hold a strong boundary with him now, than play nice because she's still a teenager only to let her down again further down the line. She might be hurt by his behaviour, but this is who he is and it is best that she knows that.

This is true thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Millindugu · 16/12/2025 15:36

ShodAndShadySenators · 16/12/2025 15:20

If you did succeed in getting him to get her a present, what difference would it make? He's still a crap dad and your children are getting the measure of him. It's up to them if they want to pursue the relationship with him or whether they let it go. It's not too difficult to foresee that in time they will (probably) all stop bothering with him at all, since they don't get any benefits from their relationship with him. They get all the good feels from their mum who has been there for them forever, so they will maintain their relationship with you as you all benefit.

Him though? He's very much reaped what he's sown, and if he doesn't like the crop that's on him. He's unlikely to change how he is now or in the future. It sounds like at core he's a selfish individual who focuses on how he perceives things to be and never considers it from another's PoV, so that's how it'll be. His loss.

It is his loss. I’m not going to try and get him to give her anything I just think it’s really shit of him and what little (any?) respect I had for him has gone

OP posts:
putthehamsterbackinitscage · 16/12/2025 15:42

Just to add, I saw a similar situation play out with a friend and her ex and their children. In the end all he succeeded in doing was driving the younger children away too, as they saw what was happening to their sibling and understood the reality of their father”s behaviour and how little effort he put into relationships with them all.

be prepared for all 3 to be upset by him and his behaviour. But don’t try to make it up for him - they are now old enough to discover eho he really is.