Ex H not buying dd a Christmas present?

[Millindugu]

aibu to think this is a shitty move?
long story as short as I can but will answer qus if needed.
we have 3 children 17, 14,11. Husband was ok with kids when they were very small- not amazing but he played with them etc. as they got older he was less able to cope with them not doing exactly what he wants and basically them having a mind of their own. He largely ignored them, most of the communication he had was to shout at them or tell them off. Dd17 has told me in recent years she went from ages 12-15 not feeling like she could ask him anything, a couple of pounds to go out with friends, if he was in a room she would leave etc, she felt on edge. We split up 2 years ago and I’ve encouraged a relationship between them but dd14 had a spell of about 6 months not speaking to him because of how he is. (Self centred, quick tempered, ignorant of other people’s feelings) and has said some horrible things in the past, mainly to me but increasingly to dc as they’ve got older.
dd17 was on speaking terms with him but something has changed I think she’s been thinking about things and thinking that how he was with her means she doesn’t want him in her life. I’ve tried to say to not cut him out completely just be civil as she may feel differently when she’s older, but she’s adamant. She’s not spoken to him at all in 6 months and she has changed her surname by deed poll. He was understandably upset about this but I had warned him for years even before we split up that their relationship would break if he didn’t improve how he was.

anyway she didn’t wish him happy birthday in September or get him a gift, and now he’s said (to me) she doesn’t care and isn’t making an effort with him so he’s not bothering getting her anything. (Her siblings will get presents from him)

yabu- it goes two ways, if she can’t be bothered then why should he?

yanbu- as the parent he should be making an effort and showing he loves her regardless and this will only make her more sure that he doesn’t care

My daughter also changed her surname.. to my maiden name.. we did it together...
Last we heard from him.. he's onto his 5th wife ( l was 2nd) and moved abroad.. but we don't know if that's still true.

Sorry there are so many other children going through it. To outsiders he’s a wonderful dad, and he has generally improved in some areas since we split. But ultimately he thinks of himself before anyone else

This just sounds like another example of yet another man who makes selfish bad decisions and then can't cope with the consequences of his actions.

Man has children.
Man doesn't engage much with children.
Man makes children feel uncomfortable.
Man has not great relationship with children.
Man says bad things about mother/wife in earshot of children.
Man and mother/wife separate and divorce.
Man still makes no attempt to be close to children.
Children pull away from man.
Man gets his panties in a bunch and starts pouting that "well if they don't want to talk to me then I don't want to talk to them and no presents for you"!

Yes relationships do go both ways. And if this was a friend relationship, then I would say that you both have to try in order to keep the relationship going. It sounds like the kids were trying to give him a chance to do more and he just refused to do so. They were giving him the opportunity as the father to be the parent, he dropped the ball, they got frustrated, and said forget it I don't want to be part of this anymore, I'm old enough to recognize neglect and emotional abuse when I see it, I'm not going to be a part of this anymore, and he gets annoyed that they're asserting some independence.
Yep. Sounds like typical pouty man to me.
I'm really sorry that your daughter's being estranged in this way, she's learning something about adult relationships, that's for sure.

Thank you