So upset with inlaws and DH

[ForShyBlueFish]

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

She didn't say you were horrible or didn't like you, was just expressing to a friend that she is concerned for you and your husband because you are overweight. You weren't meant to see the message, it's unfortunate that you did but it's done now.

Could it be a wake up call for you? If your weight is now such that it causes concern to others, it must mean that it is a problem. You'd feel much better if you slimmed down a bit. Why not use this positively and get to work on it.

Does this fit?
I think it's likely that MIL says horrible things about people behind their backs all the time. If you only see her a few times a year, and saying horrible things is not something you approve of, she just won't be doing it with you.
Crazily, given the circumstances, she probably avoids it to try and make a good impression on you.
This is why your husband isn't fighting harder to get her to apologise properly, she is this awful about people all the time. She doesn't think it's wrong to say horrible things if the other person can't hear, so will only apologise for the wrong group.
Your husband knows it's awful, but also that it's not about you. It's probably not the first awful thing he's heard her say about you, but in the context of a lot of stuff about everyone else too. He'd like to keep having a relationship with his mum, who has probably always been like this, and he knows he can't change her.

It was not concern for OP, also if you read OPs posts she’s confirmed she’s not a burden to anyone.

I was once on the receiving end of such a comment “You’d want to get rid of that fat arse” from FIL (since RIP!). My laughing reply was “It’ll be a lot easier for me to lose the fat arse than it will be for you to lose that nasty personality.”

My own sense of my self worth was not impacted by him.

I also knew (from MumsNet) that it is very difficult for the adult children of this dynamic to break out of it, or even to see it for what it is. So I didn’t expect him to put his father back in his box, when I was much better equipped to do that.

So in your case I would have replied in the chat. “Those true colours you’re wearing don’t suit you the best” or “No more a burden than the nasty back stabbing person he has for a mother though?” Or even “😂😂 Geraldine, what’s the WhatsApp equivalent of ‘use your inside voice’ for comments like that?”

Your dh should do better so I would be pushing him to put her in her place , she wouldn’t be welcome in my house again until I had a heartfelt apology and even then she would be kept very much at arms length

No more hosting, no more cooking for them, no more being involved in the group chats. Absolute minimal contact and withdrawal - unless she properly apologises. Your DH can visit them in future: If they come to you have plans for the day/go stay with friends. Make her massively regret her nasty and unnecessary comment. Horrible woman. Don't let her affect your self worth - you're clearly a much nicer person than she is.

I wouldn't fall out with someone like that. But she wouldn't be hosted ever again and I wouldn't be in her house.
I would probably send a cheeky text on the group saying safe trip and hope you both can get specialust help on resolving the STD...

I’d say to dh they are not staying again unless she sincerely apologises to my face. They can stay in a hotel and your dh can visit them there.

Bloody hell how unkind and hurtful. She sounds absolutely vile and I’d also be very hurt OP.

Back right off, close that group chat and any further contact goes through DH. I’d be out when they next came round. How dare she treat you like that.

I’m amazed lately how so many people think it’s ok to mention weight in derogatory terms as if that’s all that defines a person 😡

This is the weirdest take! What the actual fuck? How do you know how big or not big OP is? That little bit of weight could be going from a size 10 to a 14. Actually all of that is matterless as someone’s weight doesn’t define their value or goodness. Jesus you have truly been sucked into the diet culture of thin equals healthy equals good. Either that or you are the MIL
HER weight is none of MIL business, nor did she merely text a friend expressing concern.

it was gossipy, nasty and unnecessary. The lack of accountability and apology is even worse.

OP, I am so sorry you have experienced this. It’s cunty and mean and unacceptable.

I think it’s important John understands how hurt and why you are by this. And as for how you handle it, that is your choice, personally she would be getting a long message putting her in her place and setting a clear boundary she isn’t welcome in my home again.

please remember, whether you do (health) need to lose weight or it’s more that you feel like you need to, that is your business. You aren’t a burden. Your value as a woman, human being, wife, daughter, friend, is not correlated in any way to the number on the scales.

I’d send a message just intended for your husband about his vile, rude mother and send it to the group chat. Then follow it up with a “sorry, wrong chat, I’m awful with technology”

‘A burden’?! Wtaf?? Even at nearly 24st, I was never ‘a burden’ on my DH. What an extraordinary thing for her to say.

Obviously DH needs to tackle her properly and she needs to apologise meaningfully but I would absolutely drop the rope, no more hosting, leave the family WhatsApp group, actions speak louder than words etc.

Wow. The fact she sent that message as she was just out the door meant she'd been bursting to say it all weekend. Probably spoke ill of you once the bedroom door was closed at night on your home too.

It may take time to work through this with your DH (the part where he hasn't stood up for you yet), but honestly, are not both he and MIL in a dream world if they think this can be brushed under the carpet and that you will be able to sit there with her (let alone host her) in future? Could you honestly bring yourself to do that?

I doubt you'd stop him visiting them but you don't have to have a relationship with someone who speaks about you like that AND doesn't have even enough care to try and repair what she's done.

I would remove myself from the group chat and get on with my life. I don't think a woman like this is capable of sincere apology - even if one is forthcoming today. You will never forget how reading this text felt so the relationship as it was, is now over.

It can actually be liberating to find out what someone really thinks about us, particularly if that also frees us of all obligation to that person.

It will be disappointing to feel your husband didn't stand up for you enough, but I would be telling him so and also informing him you will never host his mother again. Say it and mean it, then try and remove all thoughts of her from your mind. You do not owe this woman any more of your time and effort.

I think she’s shown her true colours. Sad as it is she’s never liked you.

I’m not sure I would do anything in terms of your DH, I think she is his mother and it is for him to decide how to handle it. I would though be cutting all contact with her- virtual/ in person for the foreseeable. Take yourself off the chat, don’t pander to her with cards/ presents for Christmas, don’t engage with organising anything for her and if your DH wants to see her he can do it at their house alone- no way is she coming under your roof. No fuss, no histrionics, just a clear boundary.

She can call you an overweight burden but the consequence of that is that she gets treated like the massive bitter old bitch that she is.

I will get flamed and I obviously don’t know how overweight OP is so could be way off.

I have a relative, I care for her, get on well, enjoy her company… but she is morbidly obese. Not my concern, however it is affecting others. She can no longer drive so is having to be driven everywhere or getting taxis, she can’t walk the dog herself, placing that task on others. She has had at least 3 hospital stays and various other trips to A&E with weight related issues, or issues exacerbated by the weight. The hospital trips cause upset and others having to rally round with dog & childcare. That’s before we mention the worry this is causing.

My DH & I do talk about her out of concern. But not nastily & would have apologised profusely if we upset her.

OPs mil has obviously been out of order & nasty but could OPs weight be causing concern?

You are not being unreasonable or over-sensitive. I would be so angry with my husband for not speaking up and telling his mum very clearly that she is out of line.

I would not see her again. If she comes over, I would go out and I would make it clear to my husband that as this is my house too, she’s no longer welcome to stay overnight as I won’t be pushed out of my own home in that way, but cannot extend hospitality to someone so two-faced who thinks so little of me.

Your husband believing he can and should keep the peace and avoid upsetting her is not only weak - it’s unrealistic.

The lack of apology makes me wonder if it wasn’t accidental but part of a funny little ‘plan’ she got into her head to make you think. It’s interesting that it included you were a burden, sounded like something she wanted you to hear.

I would see them again until you got a proper profuse apology.

How unkind and unnecessary of her, that must have felt so hurtful.

Does she have form for being like this? Or for being overbearing and bullish with people if they stand up to her? Your DHs response to shrug and get on with it might be due to his experience of growing up with her. Perhaps everyone ignores or lets her get away with her behaviour, because of the way she reacts if they pick her up on things. That doesn’t make it right, but might explain your DHs response

Her reaction shows that she was embarrassed that she got caught out, so on some levelshe knows what she said was wrong, but she still doesn’t feel compelled to apologise. I think that’s very telling.

What would make you feel better now? You can’t control how she behaves, but you also don’t have to accept what she said or that she behaved that way. Going forward, you definitely don’t have to spend time with or accept someone into your home that has shown you that kind of disrespect. If your DH has to navigate that by visiting his parents without you, then that’s up to him really xx

You can't stop her thinking things and talking about you. It isn't nice but there's nothing you can do. Focus on yourself and be healthy. I wouldn't have them over again. I had a mil who kept encouraging me to lose weight, I was a size 10. I got down to an 8 and she was still encouraging me to lose more?! I just did it for my wedding day then went back to a 10. She seemed disappointed! I just ignored her and did what I wanted to do. People can be strange. I know your feeling hurt right now, try to forget about it and move on. Getting your husband to argue won't help at, and she won't change.

That’s hurtful to read and no you not being sensitive - I’d have felt the same.

Your DH was also indirectly insulted as it infers he is not capable of seeing things accurately and is somehow a victim by having you as a burden - rubbish I assume you are happy together as you’ve not said otherwise

Yes he does need to handle this better she sounds like a bully

The thing is, you have no idea what anyone says about you when they’re speaking to someone else. No one does. So things might be said about someone that you wouldn’t say to that person’s face. You do t know what your MIL says to your FIL, what your DH says to his DM, what your DM says about you to others. If you think about it, there’s a strong chance that you’ve said something about someone you know that you might not say to their face.
You’ve said yourself you’ve put weight on and that you’ve had a lot on this year. Maybe that was the reference to being a ‘burden’? Maybe your DH has been worried about you this year?
So in that respect she’s not being untruthful. She’s been perfectly nice to you, so she’s not being unkind directly to you.

One comment to a friend rather than directly to the Op does not make someone a bully FFS!

It’s a horrible thing to say for so many reasons. Your DH should have jumped in and demanded an apology on your behalf. Leaving the group shows your MIL ( if she is au fait enough to understand you have left) that you are deeply hurt by this and it won’t be brushed under the carpet. If your DH seriously thinks that’s acceptable after you hosted them for a number of days, or doesn’t want to rock the boat then that is also worrying.

I am so sorry for you OP, most people would be deeply wounded by the treachery and two faced nature of her comments, and it suggests the dog-sitter has already been talked to on this subject before. What a horrible woman.

you are not wrong to feel as you do, other people’s opinion of us are none of our business they say, but hearing what someone thinks is awful. I’m sorry to had to read her message. Being rubbish at technology is no excuse to be horrible about someone - made even worse by the fact you’d gone out of your way to be a good host and it is your MIL!

I would be making it very clear to your DH that you are upset, and he needs to tell his Mum that what she said wasn’t acceptable.
He needs to have your back on this, and his Mum needs to see this. Didn’t matter if he thinks it’s ‘just how she is’, or ‘it was a mistake for you to see it’ - you have seen it and it needs addressing. The burden part would get to me the most! . So rude, and from what you’ve said, utterly untrue.

I would also send a message on the group chat. I wouldn’t let it pass by without acknowledging it.