So upset with inlaws and DH

[ForShyBlueFish]

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

She said she was concerned you had put on weight which she worried was a burden on her son. But acknowledged he loves you to bits !
It was an inappropriate message to send.
It isn't something she is sorry she said.
Your husband is caught in the middle of two women he loves. But is caught in the middle.
If you wanted him to handle the call differently, I would say on reflection perhaps you should have handled it yourself. Asking someone else to have a difficult conversation then grumbling about how they did or didn't do it seems like adding to the issues rather than resolving them. Don't let her come between you.

You could try to phone her and tell her you are offended. But she knows this now. But certainly you could ask for an apology. Talking about someone's weight to other people and calling you a burden is a step too far. She should apologise for that.
And explain to your other half she is not welcome in your home until she does.

With someone like this you have to have some resilience. Think of her as a bit lacking. Feel sorry for her lack of kindness and judgement. Character even.
Negative gossiping about you to others is not okay. She can talk to her husband. But to a dog sitter you do not know. Appalling. Really bad.
Being called a burden. I suspect she feels sorry for your son as in the idea that your weight shames him in some way. Or is hard to live with. Issues around health etc which impact on the other person.

You don't mention your weight or by how much you have put on. Sometimes people do put on more than is good for them, health wise.
If this is so then resolve to look after yourself in the New Year. Your husband loves you regardless.

I would honestly never speak to her again, and if my husband insisted on them still staying over in future I would be booking myself into a hotel.

Some people on this thread seem to think it is.

Just to add, if she does apologise, don't expect it to be meaningful. It won't be something she is used to. And she will only do it because you have made her, not because she means it.
Never ever tell her anything personal from now on.
She gossips about you to other people. She is a very stupid woman.

so many excuses for a cunty MIL.

All the women who post on MIL threads saying they are so worried for when their sons marry if their DILs are horrible to them... this is how not to behave.

OP, just leave it all - walk away. Tell your DH that it is beyond repair and from now on she is dead to you and you have no interest in anything.

Will be a huge bonus if you have been doing all the present buying etc - look at all the free time you'll have.

(but in your shoes if she did ever try to apologise, i'd let her squirm through it and then say "that must have taken effort, but it is too late, there is no coming back, so i don't accept it".)

I'd have felt sick and I really feel for you. My MIL is very focussed on weight and weight loss, it's a miracle if we can go a few minutes without it coming up in conversation.Its not an excuse but it's surely a generational thing that a person's worth is tied mostly to their ability to remain thin that we're now trying hard to undo.

I'd send a message myself and then draw a line under it.

I don't think your husband can do much more here and what's important is how he now supports you going forward.

I think your MIL's reaction to the initial phone call and then the one by your husband, says that your MIL is highly embarrassed. She ended both calls as soon as possible, whilst trying to down play the incident. I'd say she's perfectly aware of how dreadful her behaviour is, and is desperately trying to brush it away due to embarrassment. Brushing it away means she doesn't have to acknowledge or take responsibility for the comment. She should absolutely be embarrassed, and she should also be sending you a bouquet of flowers and calling to offer a proper apology. Your husband does need to tackle his Mum again, and he needs to make it crystal clear that her comment was hurtful, not just to you but to him too! She may have insulted your weight, but she insinuated that your husband was dopey to be with you due to you being a 'burden'!! She owes you both an apology really. My only thought regarding the 'burden' comment is that she thinks as you are overweight, you may get weight related health issues, that then will burden your husband, as he'll have to look after you. She's jumping to an awful lot of conclusions. Your husband may not get very far talking to him Mum, but he does need to try again. I think banning her from the house is extreme, as it's not just yours but your husband's too. However, I would step back, and let your husband do the bulk of the preparation and work when they visit. I'd also step back from your shared WhatsApp group. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

I would go completely no contact with her. Your DH can go visit them in future if he wants to see them but they should never be allowed into your home ever again.

By the way good for you for phoning her up yourself straight away. I'm not sure if I'd have the guts but it was absolutely the right thing to do.

I'd be telling my husband (and MIL) that in light of her comments about me I won't be giving her the opportunity to make such comments about me again any time soon. That's it for her coming to our place to get ammo to pull me to bits behind my back, or me putting myself out to go to theirs.

I work on the premise that if they're more worried about upsetting their Mumsy Wumsy than the woman that lives and sleeps alongside them, they need to be helped to reevaluate their priorities.

I'm overweight. The "overweight" comment is something that would have bothered me a bit, but I might have been able to overlook it (apart from strengthening my resolve to lose weight...have had a similar thing in the past).

The "burden" comment however would have made me go nuclear.

I would have just responded on the group chat by saying “at least I’m not a poisonous ungrateful bitch” but that’s just me.

YANBU. A weight comment was the final straw for us and is the reason we have not spoken to my MIL for over a year now. I know how hurtful it can be. Especially in my case, she never apologised and called me 'rude' for getting upset about it (bare in mine i never said a word to her, DH is the one who spoke to her about it).

People seem to be minimising the “burden” part. I would take that as she thinks her son can do better but is sadly lumbered with his wife. Absolutely unforgivable imo.

So sorry this has happened to you OP. I would certainly be inclined to put something on the group chat about how hurtful you found this comment, especially after all the effort you had put into hosting them.

And then move on. It says far more about her than you and by getting into a tit for tat you keep it alive and bring yourself down to her level. Older people do lose their filter a bit and they are weird about weight ( I am someone in my 60s who has a lifetime of weight issues due to my mum’s fear of me getting fat).

I bet she is mortified and trying to ignore it; your DH doesn’t agree with her but probably has a lifetime of dealing with her and finds it easier not confront her. I don’t say that’s right but it is his mum and that can be tricky.

Don’t let her stupidity cause issues in your marriage or even bother you for a moment. Live your life and shrug it off. You can’t control what people say or think about you but you can control your reaction to it.

Call her yourself. Have it out with her. Don’t hide behind your husband. She was bang out of order and now feels very embarrassed.

She already did. It’s in the op.

Well she would never be burdened by my presence ever again!

So.. MIL doesn’t like OP because of reasons and it’s fine for her to vent after having to suffer being in her presence or she’s worried about her (yeah you can feel the concern coming through loud and clear)

Bull. Shit.

I am aware of that - it was a short call, I think OP should call her again and have a proper conversation.

That's awful - cruel and judgemental. especially as she has not properly apologised. I would send her a message saying that you are deeply wounded, your trust in her is shattered beyond repair, made worse by the lack of apology and that you no longer wish to have any contact with her, that she and DH may make their own arrangements going forward but that will have to be outside your home due to the extent of her duplicity and betrayal - that'll take the wind out of the old bag.

You sound lovely NTW ❤️

I think it's pretty much assumed that EVERYONE has talked about someone else behind their backs, in an unkind way, at least once.
Unfortunately for your MIL, she made a stupid error and posted it to the wrong place.

Honestly, whether she says a meaningful sorry or not is, at this point, almost irrelevant. You know she's thinking it, and SHE knows you know. If she's got even an ounce of emotional intelligence about her, she'll also realise she's caused potentially serious damage to the relationship. How this relationship goes moving forward is entirely on her.

If I were you, I'd make a point to be absent next time she visits. Take yourself away for a couple of nights (or however long they stay for), and be conspicuous in your absence.

Why accuse the op of hiding behind her husband then? She isn’t.

For all the people saying, 'You haven't said how much weight you've put on. Being fat is unhealthy. If you've put on more weight than is healthy, you should try and lose it'.

Fat people know they are fat. We know. And we know it would be better for our health if we were less fat.

You don't need to tell us. It's not some big fucking revelation.

Framing what the OP's mil said as just a 'fact' is wild. The OP could very well say to her mil, 'You're a thoughtless, bitchy, judgemental, ungrateful, gossiping cow' and all of those things are also facts, they are all things that her mil needs to work on in order to be a better person, just like the OP could lose weight to be a healthier person.

But of course they aren't the kind of facts that polite people deliver to their family members - they're the thoughts we keep in our head. Why is 'fat is fact' fine, but 'character critique is fact' to be avoided, lest we offend?

Very sorry. As a MIL I would be feeling completely dreadful about this and phoning with grovelling apology. A lesson to us all about putting things in writing or speech that would be better in your head. You sound a wonderful, kind DIL, a lovely wife to DH. Hold your head high. Time to book yourself a lovely spa day and did the lot of them
im sure my MIL thought I was a messy disorganised wife but she never said it out loud ( just implied it with her attitude but that’s a lot better)
sending hugs
xxxxx

Yikes, this is a deeply unkind way to talk about someone. Especially to proactively tell a random friend who hasn't asked and presumably doesn't care how much you weigh. Unfortunately it seems that she is just not a very nice woman.