So upset with inlaws and DH

[ForShyBlueFish]

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

I think I’d have to reply to the group chat myself, saying how very hurtful her comments were, or ask DH to. She may as well have said ‘it would have been ok to say that as long as ForShyBlueFish didn’t see it’. Very rude @ForShyBlueFish

Someone said she has shown her true colours, shown what she really thinks of you.
I don’t think she has, and I would not let this spoil your future family relationships.
By listening to all the vitriolic responses of many posters you are going to make very much more of this than you need to.
If I may explain my perspective through the vector of my mother.
My mother prides herself on her thinness, she values self control in diet enormously. She is also a little gossipy and judgmental. She has always commented on people’s weight mainly to her friends who have a similar outlook.
Apart from this she is a lovely person, great fun and kind. She generally doesn’t make comments to people about their weight directly, she doesn’t want to hurt people but she is quite genuinely appalled at people “allowing themselves” to become overweight. It could be described as flaw in her. I guess many women who spent their formative years in the 1960’s “Twiggy” era are like that.
So back to your mother in law- her views on weight are not caused by you. She probably makes that sort of comment to her friend whom she knows shares her views. It’s something that unites them, bonds them one of their “things”.
Your mother in law would probably never had said such things to you directly. We all have our negative views of others.
I think you should not allow a silly, gossipy text, which was never intended for your eyes to dominate your thoughts.
Your mother in law is a bit fattist, she’s a bit of a silly woman in her attitude to weight. On the plus side, you have rubbed along with her for years and have a great relationship with your husband, so let it go. It was a mistake on her part. She’s probably too mortified to own up to it. Let’s hope it taught her a lesson.
I hope you can see it for what it is, and rise above it. Then you and your husband can enjoy Christmas together without this silly, although still quite shocking, incident spoiling things for you.

Crikey, no wonder you’re upset, that’s seriously unpleasant. Whilst it’s not your dh’s fault I think you should make clear to him that they are not welcome in your home again. If he wants to see them he can go stay at theirs. What a bitchy woman. On the bright side you know now and can stop bothering with her.

This. I would definitely expect my husband to intervene in the chat to say, Bloozie isn't a burden. Far from it. She's my wife and equal partner and I love her very much.

Even if he can't tackle his mother head on, he can do that - god men are pathetic around their mothers at times.

I had an argument with my own husband last night, about his mother and my weight, because she won't stop talking about how much weight I've lost (I was very obese, and now I'm merely fat).

She's coming at Christmas along with my own parents, who are fat-phobic and wildly judgemental, so between the three of them, I fear the topic of conversation will be 'How Much Weight Bloozie Has Lost, Hasn't She Done Well?, Come On Then Tell Us How Much Weight You've Lost, No Really, How Many Stones?' because that's all my mil spoke about last time she saw me. No matter how many times I tried to change the conversation - including telling her very directly that I don't want to talk about it - she would not stop badgering on. My son spontaneously said afterwards it was really weird behaviour and super awkward, so not even me being over-sensitive.

I said to my husband in passing last night that if they all start at Christmas, could he help me change the subject? Not even, can you ask your mum not to be weirdly obsessive about the size of my arse. Just - if they start on my appearance, ask if anyone wants a top up, or whatever.

He said no - it's natural for people to comment, I should see it as a compliment, I HAVE done well, this is a me problem, why should everyone else be made to feel awkward at Christmas?

I pointed out that I shouldn't be made to feel awkward either, and it'll be a damn sight MORE awkward when I lose my shit with them all, which is highly likely after I've spent all morning frazzled and cooking. Changing the subject is better than me storming out crying because I'm so over-stimulated and just want to eat my dinner.

My SIL bad-mouthed me to her husband years ago in an email that I received in error.

It took a few more incidents but we are NC now.

I am sorry that’s horrible. The question I would be asking is did your husband talk to his mother about your weight? I wonder this for two reasons - one if he was supportive as he is saying to you … why did he not get upset when he read what she said? Two - people say what they are thinking …. where does this concept of burden come in? It’s not usually used in relation to weight. Is your hubby having to do more work because your weight is affecting your health or something? Is the burden he is worried about your health?
His lack of reaction is making me worried he said something to his mother and now needs to cover this up.

It’s worse because you made a real effort to make her welcome. These two faced spiteful comments have thrown that effort and care back in your face.
id be dialing right back on that in the future.
Your DH can do all the work, and I’d suggest a hotel stay for her instead whilst you spend time with people you want to see.

I'd rather be fat than as bitchy as that. I hope the shame is eating her up!

That’s really awful, you must be very hurt.
Please don’t let this ruin your relationship with your husband. He didn’t dismiss your feelings, he called her but he can’t make her apologise or take it back.
MN won’t be happy until you kick him out and ask for a divorce but this is real life, with real people. Don’t let her ugliness come between you. 💐

I don’t think I’d be comfortable having them over again, I’d suggest DH visits them from now on.

That would break me and I’m sorry that you had to read that.

Honestly the worst thing you can do is let this become between you and DH. He obviously doesn’t agree with your MIL, he tried to talk to her and she shut it down. There’s no point in having a fight with her because that won’t change her mind. She knows he is upset with her.

If my mum said something like this I’d be fuming, I’d be upset and she would know that but I don’t think I’d want to never see her again. I’d respect my wife’s decision not to. I’d deffo lose a closeness with her and that would be her fault.

But your DH loves you and he didn’t agree with her so don’t let this impact on your relationship as that will be a win for MIL.

It's not just the weight comment though, is it, it's the fact she also said her DIL was a 'burden' on her son. That's inexcusable.

I also think being rude about people's weight behind their back or to their faces is pretty inexcusable too tbh. We all know what good manners really are.

You could get your own back on the group chat with a message to your own Mum and Dad “mistakenly” as MIL did: “Thanks for putting up with Evil Edna and helping us dilute her visit to us. She’s quite the cunt, isn’t she? LOL”

Oh, and you sound lovely. Do yourself a favour and leave the group chat.

Fat is a fact, burden is the killer here. There is no apologising for that.

OP ignore the almost gleeful baiting posts on here and take a more balanced view as suggested by *Misspost *@09.31 today
Then decide what action to take at a later date rather than overreacting now when you are understandably hurt, dismayed, angry and very emotional.

This is really sad to read, OP, and I too would be so upset if I received that message. It makes it worse in some ways that it was sent in a group WhatsApp so both dh and FIL saw it but neither stuck up for you.

I honestly think you should stick up for yourself and just reply very simply, something along the lines of “I find your comments incredibly rude and hurtful, and you owe me an apology”. Then I would leave the WhatsApp group.

Your dh also needs to make it clear to her how hurt you are and that you are not a burden on him at all. He needs to have your back.

I also wouldn’t be hosting her again.

I'm too passive aggressive for this because I'm afraid I would be responding to every question from my husband for at least a while with: "I wouldn't want to be a burden".

It's not a healthy response but I'm a bit of a cow ;)

Realistically, whether your DH likes it or not, this cannot be swept under the carpet and you're going to need a decent apology before moving forward. Certainly before they stay in your house again, and even if you do get a decent apology it doesn't automatically mean that they will get to do that.

There has been a societal shift in how weight is perceived, it used to be totally acceptable to tell women they were fat and the whole if you want to keep your man then stay slim. Obviously MIL has not got the memo that it’s totally unacceptable. My MIL called me stocky once I weighed 9 stone at almost 5ft 5, she's at the very lowest of the BMI scale for her weight I would guess. My mother stayed at under 9 stone having had 6 children and very much belonged to that mindset as well. Three of my sisters have disordered eating due to the pressure from her.

Its good to be a healthy weight as you acknowledge what you have unfortunatley experienced is misogyny from another woman who only judges women by their looks which means weight. The burden comment is nothing to do with work or hobbies or anything else than looks. You could be the most accomplished woman ever who discovered a cure for the common cold but she would still be thinking about your weight as you picked up the Nobel prize for science.

Let her live in her own mire of hatred.

What a nasty, two-faced cow. Even if she ends up apologising you should keep her very much at arms length now her mask has slipped and you know what she's really like. This wound will take a long time to heal (if ever).

Your DH needs to send her a text setting out everything he should have tried harder to say on the phone. She can't interrupt a text. And say when she's ready to apologise to you (not him) to let you know.

She's been nasty about her DIL after the DIL kindly hosted her. If she sees no problem with what she said that's fine, but it's also fine for Op's opinion of her to change accordingly, especially if she doesn't apologise properly . OP doesn't have to be a martyr or a Stepford Wife about it.

Exactly this is what I came on here to say. Awful woman.

Hugs, OP, that must be very upsetting.

So in your shoes, because i am petty and vindictive: there would be no more invitations to them. If they come, i would be staying elsewhere for the duration
There would be no more visits to them. (if there are DCs, up to your DH to facilitate contact)

There would be absolutely zero "wifework" in their direction, but i like the above suggestion of sigining cards and messages with "the Burden"

And i'd leave the chat with a "sorry, don't want to be a burden, see ya"

You are not a burden, and even if you were, that is not on her to judge.

I would say to the DH that they will not come to your home again.

I meant, ‘no apologising’ as in NOTHING that she said would allow me to recover from that comment. It’s a shocking assertion and the OP’s DH should be equally insulted that his own DM sees him as so weak and passive.

At least you know she doesn't like you now and can act accordingly. Upsetting for you in the short term but best you know how she really feels