To end a friendship because of this?

[Boldness40s]

Am I being unreasonable to expect people not to talk over me and to have a decent conversation where both people have enough space to talk express themselves and feel properly listened to?

I am really struggling with my friendships. I am not someone who can tolerate this kind of behaviour anymore. I could in my 20s and 30s but not in my 40s. Recently, I have had to remove three friends from my life. Some removed themselves too as call them out as I had enough.
It almost like that is ok for them to display such bad conversations skills but not ok for me to let them know that I am not comfortable with.

I have categories the people I have come across

1. People who constantly jump from one subject to another without giving you any space to talk at all. You don’t get a word in. And when you finally do get a chance to say something, they don’t really listen they look somewhere else or start doing something else and you are left thinking I was actually talking.

1. People who talk over you all the time. They don’t give you enough space to finish your sentences. They try to finish your sentence, They just interrupt and keep talking.

1. People who suddenly give their attention to something or someone else while you are talking for example to their child, even when the child isn’t actually needing attention. I completely understand that children come first and I have children too but at least let me finish my sentence. Instead, they suddenly turn away, tickle their child, smile at them, and give them full attention, and I am left thinking, Okay, she is not listening to me anymore.

I honestly feel like I have no tolerance left for these kinds of people. If you do any of the above, you have very poor conversation skills. If you’re not listening, what kind of friendship is that? Why would anyone want to be friends if they’re never given space to talk or express themselves?

I’ve removed several friends from my life because of this. I’m absolutely okay being on my own, but I will not put up with this kind of behaviour.

I’m genuinely interested to know why some people have such poor communication skills like this.

Also if you come across any of these people, do you know why they are like that? I am still interested to know why even I often cut my relationship with them because I feel like I can’t find anyone that I can be friends with anymore. I am a little lonely 😭

Okay then what could be my problem?

Why would I not be bothered by a friend who constantly talks and doesn’t give me any space to talk? My FIL died, and DM went through breast cancer nine years ago around the same time. That specific friend didn’t even know any of this because I never had space to talk about it. I knew that if I brought it up she would talk over me and talk about her similar experiences and as that is such a sensitive subject to me I didn’t mention. That would have been really, really sad if I have talked over.

Then she found out later and was surprised that I had never mentioned it. This was a friendship of about eight years. I always felt like it was one sided because if we were together for two hours I would never hear my own voice. She would talk and talk and talk the whole time. So I am genuinely wondering how this could be my fault. What is wrong with me that someone behaves like that with me?

Why are you making this about you????

They don't behave like that "with you". They behave like that because they likely have ADHD/ASD and sometimes it's really hard to fight the impulse thing.

I'm really bad at interrupting. It means I'm enjoying the conversation and have something to add to it. Yes I know it's annoying, but ADHD and impulsivity are hard work.

I try really hard to follow social rules but I often get it wrong. And some people are so rude about it. "shut up Merchantofvenus you've already told us that". "shut up merchantofvenus it's a cheese sandwich and no one cares.". My boss even gave a leaving speech and told the entire staff that I never shut up, I always talk about random sh*t etc... It's humiliating. It hurts.

And that's the reason I'm not friends with judgemental people like you, who can't see that I don't do it maliciously, and that I'm actually trying to show I'm interested. I have lovely friends who who couldn't care lesson when I waffle on, or when I suddenly say something irrelevant in the middle of a conversation as my brain cannot focus on anything else until I say it.

The butting in and talking over and flitting from one topic to another sound typical ADHD traits.
OP, this is worth thinking about. At one point over an early family Christmas lunch, my sister and my brother were both talking over me. No diagnoses but they have many traits that ADHD people share. I caught by DD's eye while this was happening and while we both struggled not to laugh, it does get depressing sometimes.

I am responding the posters that believed something wrong with me. I was just wondering what.
I never said they do maliciously. I have friends with her 8 years because she is a good person but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed a space to be able to express myself. Even a little bit.
i would never humiliate anyone like that. I didn’t humiliate her either. I only let her know that I am not comfortable with this.

This is exactly like my friend. It’s less a conversation- more like a series of monologues from her with brief interjections by me. Its like she’s just waiting for it to be her turn to talk again.

Thing is I’m pretty sure if you asked her she’d say “Well, Stabby never has anything to say!” - it’s a vicious circle because knowing that she really isn’t interested, even when she does ask the odd question I keep it brief. She doesn’t ask any follow up questions - it’s back to her again.

A while back we met for a cinema trip and it was a good 30 minutes before she asked how I was. I replied not great - my son had recently taken an overdose. She did actually ask why - I explained he suffers from poor mental health/depression. Her reply “Oh right. What’s he depressed about then?” I explain that depression doesn’t necessarily mean you’re depressed ABOUT anything specific. She says “Oh right” and then “Ooh did I tell you…” and then goes off into another monologue about something fucking trivial. No “Oh my god that must have been awful”, no empathy or real interest at all.

I was so close to just walking out without a word.

This people are exist and it’s not your fault. I am very sorry about your son ❤️‍🩹 I hope he is doing a lot better now.

Boldness40s I have a "Friend" like this who carries on in the manner you describe; interrupting, talking over and not listening to anyone. I have a wide circle of friends, and this particular person is the only one who does this. I think it is extremely rude. I am trying to reduce contact, but it's hard when they are so persistent in the pursuit of being friends!
I have got great listening skills and normally love hearing about other people's lives. However, when someone cannot pay you the basic courtesy of allowing you to finish a sentence, you start to resent the one-way relationship.
I don't think you can really change people's behaviour. It is best to scale back contact with people who are self absorbed.

He’s much better. Thank you so much ♥️

I think it’s a difficult one.

It can be very rude but then some people older men just will not shut up about their tedious lives so you either interrupt or be bored senseless. Not saying this is you OP but it can be a reason.

I sort of think you have to find friends who spark off you in a similar way and maybe you just need to expand your friendship group in the short term rather than cutting people off? We all need friends even if they are sometimes annoying.

I have people in my life like this. I’m quite reserved so it’s not like I’m constantly chatting so it annoys me when they talk over me and then later say how quiet I am.

I hate when someone comes into a social situation and there’s a conversation going on and they don’t listen and join in but just talk over as if we were sitting silently waiting on them.

I was going to mention that this is very typical of ADHD, due to impulse control, being over enthusiastic by the conversation and also because they know if they don't say it straightaway, they'll forget. I make a conscious effort not to do this, but it's actually really difficult. I don't get distracted by other things/people though. The person I'm talking to gets my full attention.

@Boldness40s I had a friend from my late 20s who fell into the first and last category. By my early 50s I couldn’t take anymore as it dawned on my dumb ass that I was essentially retained as a friend exclusively for trauma dumping.

In our 30s she'd talk earnestly about all her woes and placate any attention seeking from her children with an irritated brush off but when she’d run out of energy and it was my time to talk, she’d turn to the kids even when they weren’t pressing for anything and yes it was quite frustrating and sad thinking she really isn’t listening at all!

Then in our late 40s/early 50s, if we met in a pub or other social setting, I’d as usual give her my attention but when I was talking would look around the room, smile at strangers, look at her phone, interrupt me to remark on a sudden distraction - it was infruriating!

The final straw was when I was a little sensitive and upset after I bought a 2 year relationship to an end because of some horrible red flags which left me a bit shaken and after listening to her first (we were in my home) and giving her the advice she wanted I tried to discuss something affecting me and she looked at me crossly and said “you know I’ve only got 20more mins before Inhave to go - so what do you think?”. Her rudeness caused my jaw to drop at her rudeness and entitlement and the rest of the evening was a bit of a blur as I went on autopilot. When I came to my senses, I set about (with much sadness), ending our, admittedly one sided, friendship.

Oh come on, that's really unfair. If she's talking seriously to someone (after they've spoken for a considerable time) then why is it her fault if they then scroll through their phone or interrupt?

I have a friend who routinely talks for up to an hour when I ask ‘how are you’. Quite often it’s the end of the evening before she says ‘anyway enough about me how are you’ and I have to squeeze my bit into the last five minutes. I love her though but i do find it draining.

I have a friend who I do this to. If I don't talk over her or interrupt her she will go on and on and on. Talk about self centered, she is lovely but has zero filter or instinct to stop talking. Yes, she will listen to me when I talk but I don't talk for hours.

I'm literally her last friend. Every single person in the wider circle totally avoids her, because she's draining. I have managed to stay friends BECAUSE I interrupt her and re-direct her a bit.

Some people have told her she goes on too long but she absolutely doesn't accept that.

Do you want them to stare you in the eyes with rapt attention whenever you decide to speak instead of blending with normal conversation like others do? I don’t want my friends to stare into my eyes nodding along as though I’m preaching the gospel when I’m telling them about something… I want a conversation where we all spark off each other

To me this seems like you’re always politely waiting for a gap that never comes whereas she expects that if you have something to say you’ll interject.

So she probably thinks you’re really quiet and never have anything to say so she’s filling the silence. Lots of people see conversation as a continuous series of speaking on either side - not saying something , then waiting for the other person to say something into the gap if they so wish. Her stories of similar events etc happening to her are her trying to show she sympathises and can relate to your pain…

I had a friend of over 20 years that would send me 20-30 min long voice notes . Which I add I would listen to . But I started noticing I would send a 5 min one back and She would reply within two min , so clearly not listened to it . Not mentioned anything I talked about ,and would reply talking about her self. I’m neurodivergent and have better conversations skills than most neurotypical ppl.

From this post, it sounds as if it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy that creates a vicious cycle.

You have very set expectations about how to conduct conversations, which means you choose to stay silent a lot and not to share even important news with others because it’s not the right ‘environment’, which means that your friends think you have nothing to say and are a naturally uncommunicative person, which means they possibly talk to fill silences and don’t ask you about yourself because they think you don’t want to say anything.

Which in turn means that you think there’s no space for your voice, which means you don’t share news, which means they think they’re talking to fill a silence and don’t ask you stuff etc etc. Which then presumably means you grow apart from your friends because you don’t tell them anything about yourself.

I think you need to take some responsibility for contributing to this circular dynamic, OP. Speak up.

Me and my friends talk over each other a lot, we do in our family as well. We all have lots of friends. I think it's a style of interaction. I wouldn't be friends with someone who wanted me to finish patiently for them to deliver their words of wisdom or said things like 'are you listening to me?'

It's fine not to like this but I think this looking around, busy, occasional glance at phone, chattering thing is more normal now, OP. I wouldn't do that if someone was telling me something serious, but if we are all upbeat and chatting, then perhaps yes.

Of course you don't have to have any friends who you don't like or that don't have the communication style you prefer.

Some people also relate similar stories and events to the person speaking as a way of sharing a conversation. I agree this can be selfish, but if done well and sympathetically, it makes for a more lively conversation.

You do sound like you struggle with social interaction, OP, and most people don't want friends who 'call them out' or don't share things.

I like people who can jump in and hold the conversational floor. Slow turn-taking and waiting patiently for a gap before speaking would be quite dull to me, but I also accept I'm a chatterbox who has to actively remember to shut up.

It’s impossible to avoid talking over people at times. But people who use conversation like a steamroller are a pain in the arse.

Not listening and treating a conversation like a monologue is something everyone should be taught not to do by their parents.

When I meet adults who do this I marvel at how they have never been told no.

One or two people, then maybe you have a point.

You have removed three friends and even more have removed themselves. That's a you problem.

I can't tell you want the problem is. I don't know you. A few of possibilities might be that you talk so much that people have to speak over you to be heard. Perhaps you're naturally drawn to people with ADHD. Maybe you're not a great listener. Maybe you make people nervous. If you really want to know, the best people to ask are your former friends.

Yes I have friends like this. I have dropped them. Life is too short. We had a three way friendship and two of us realised on meet ups we hardly said a word as one dominated every conversation, never listened and talked over us. Now just two of us meet up and the conversation is more or less equal. I don’t know why some people are like this but they mostly lack empathy too but sometimes they are just impatient to get on to what they want to talk about and have no interest in anything anyone else is interested in. Poor communication skills and usually self centred.

This is true: there’s a balance needed.

Being able to listen and read other people is important but treating a conversation like a polite tennis match is also a bit of a bore.

Sometimes a charismatic interjection from someone who has a funny or memorable story can lift a discussion out of just being transactional and polite.

Also some people can get away with it if they are entertaining. As long as they don’t do it all the time.