To think we’ve normalised overstimulation and under-discipline?

[CalmByChoice]

Everyone seems constantly “burnt out,” “overwhelmed,” “done,” etc. At the same time, nobody seems willing to remove overstimulation, enforce routines or build discipline.

AIBU to think the problem isn’t the world, it’s our limits being too loose?

Eh? I think the reason I’m burnt out is because I’m expected to be (and want to be) 100% dedicated to my children but I’m also expected to be 100% dedicated to my job. I can’t afford not to have a job as the cost of the world is too much. I don’t have any time to be me.

My kids are allowed to be kids and we encourage them to have (age-appropriate) hobbies but they very much have boundaries and expectations around their behaviour.

Agree with PP- I'm exhausted because I'm trying to work 4 days a week whilst also being present for my three children, attending various assemblies and shows and tournaments, keeping the house clean and tidy, exercising and having a bit of a social life. My life was a lot calmer when I was a SAHM.

Can you be more specific about what overstimulation people should remove and what discipline is lacking?

Some of us aren't as good at recognising our limits, I think. And the world IS overstimulating. Go into many pubs and there is music and a TV on at the same time, plus often people with their phones on speaker or playing YouTube videos. There's a ridiculous amount of choice in supermarkets which can make decision-making overwhelming.
And I worry about kids schedules, with wraparound care, endless extra curricular activities, loads of screen time. When do they get the chance to just BE, and learn to entertain themselves in a calm environment?
So I think it's a bit of both, OP. Partly the world, and partly our response to it.
But I'm getting old, and old-fashioned, and lots of younger people will no doubt have a completely different take on things.

If I didn't have to work up to 50 hours per week just to keep afloat, be expected to never make a wrong move as a mother, deal with patriarchal bullshit in terms of my looks etc, then I'd probably be chill too.

We don’t have the choice not to be overstimulated. I would love nothing more than to have a simple life with DH at work, me at home, and a landline. But that’s not an option sadly, I have to work and I have to sign up to the bazillion apps the school dictate, so am subject to a relentless assault of ‘world book today tomorrow’ ‘your child will need wellies on Wednesday’ ‘pleas pay £1..’ ‘SCHOOL DISCO TIME!’ ‘Remember it’s forest school..’ ‘make sure you do today’s homework on Google Classroom’ ‘tomorrow is Children in Need’ ‘we need volunteer for..’ ‘please remember to bring in..’ ‘Christmas jumper day’ ‘book nativity tickets’ ‘non school uniform’

I wasn’t thinking of situations like yours, where there are very real, non-optional demands (work, children, logistics). What I had in mind by overstimulation was more the optional layer we’ve added on top of already busy lives - constant notifications, scrolling, background noise, pressure to be “on” socially all the time, saying yes to everything, etc. And by discipline I didn’t mean harsh self-control or pushing through exhaustion but things like clearer boundaries around time, rest, screens, and commitments - accepting that we can’t do everything at once without a cost. So not that people should cope better, more we’re often asking ourselves to live in ways that are genuinely unsustainable, then calling the resulting exhaustion burnout. Happy to hear different perspectives though, I know it won’t land the same for everyone.

I can understand what you are saying but I don’t think it applies to many people. The majority of people ime are burnt out due to demands that are non optional for them rather than because they don’t know how to switch social media off.

And I worry about kids schedules, with wraparound care, endless extra curricular activities, loads of screen time. When do they get the chance to just BE, and learn to entertain themselves in a calm environment?

But I'm getting old, and old-fashioned,

I'm getting old too and I agree. Children don't need to be constantly entertained or have their time filled with scheduled activities. Give them the means to entertain themselves and leave them to it.

I wonder if one of the reasons for the lack of resilience in young people is that they spend so little time inside their own minds, really exploring and discovering who they are, rather than who social media tells them they should be.

I think we are overstimulated. At the same time when it comes to burnout and the workplace, I don’t think that’s why. I think that technology has let work bleed over into personal time, and on top of that we’re expected to work as if we don’t have personal obligations, as if we’re all white collar men in the 1950s who have wives at home to do all that.

Yanbu but imo the full picture is more nuanced than people just lacking discipline or being too loose.

Most people live inside constant notifications, infinite content, blurred work/home boundaries, social pressure to be reachable, productive and self-optimising. Technology has massively increased output potential and expectations have sky rocketed. There's a huge mismatch between environment and biology. It's not what we were built for.

Plus I don't think it comes naturally to everyone to scrutinise their lives. We get swept up in the 'norm' and are so busy trying to stay afloat there isn't the capacity to review the day to day and think 'hang on is all this really necessary, or even good for us?'. The idea of putting in effort to make routines and stuff sounds like more work, which is understandably off putting for many. Discipline in that moment might feel more like a punishment or chore than something which could be helpful in the long run.

Then in the midst of all of that the addictive smartphones offer decompressive escapism in the form of doomscrolling and venting. Maybe you picked up the phone to pay a bill but then 35 minutes later you're answering some random thread on Mumsnet...for example. Ahem.

@Wordsmithery @HonoriaBulstrode I'm with you. We stopped the treadmill. Everyone does one thing now and that's it. I do worry that they're going to have very empty personal statements compared to people who have been juggling multiple hobbies since infancy, but I'm hoping on balance that having had time to relax, be bored and find their own creative outputs will do them good.

Even the username is failing to acknowledge that.

People will complain about burn out & over stimulation but will still have 6 hours a day screen time.

I don't think they judge people by hobbies any more. More about showing interest in the subject and grades, plus maybe volunteering/paid work in the sixth form

In my experience, genuinely busy and tired people don't have the time or inclination to talk about how busy and tired they actually are.

I agree to an extent.

I think that such easy access to how to do certain things is diving the 'i must do all these things ' mentality.

In the 80s career women were at least celebrated for not cooking and putting in a microwave dinner (probably because advertiser's were trying to sell them to us).

Now we should all whip up home cooked meals and send in GBBO standard cakes for the kids bake stall.

People 'make memories ' endlessly rather than just doing stuff. Must have seasonal experiences and home decor to match.

And social media gives people FOMO in a way they probably didn't experience it before.

I think there is a point around doom scrolling, but it’s not a simple point- we are over stimulated and there is nowhere for the excess cortisol and adrenaline to go. It’s not as simple as lack of discipline.

people have always been stimulated- before phones people would turn on the radio in the car home from work and the tv when they got in. But that was seen as a relaxation, not a stimulation. And as a poster said above, it wasn’t multiple media’s competing for attention

I think it's definitely true for children/current parenting trends.

And I think probably true for a lot of adults too.

before phones people would turn on the radio in the car home from work and the tv when they got in.

but before cable and satellite there was only a limited number of channels, and before remote controls you actually had to get up and go over to the tv to change channels. You couldn't sit on the sofa endlessly flipping through channels, never giving your full attention to anything. And tv programmes were designed for people with longer attention spans.

Parents have long been exhausted, especially working parents. It passes.

I think there is actually more discipline for kids now than 50+ years ago because children and tweens now spend all their time around adults rather than having long periods of being basically unsupervised.
A free-range post-war child could be doing almost anything for several hours a day and then only had to act 'disciplined' indoors, whereas today's kids need to have their manners on all the time as they will probably get picked up on it if they start to slip - from tiredness, overstimulation, siblings or whatever.

NAH
It's mother's load ,init

I'm burnt out because I have two disabled DC who massively struggle with school and I'm trying to hold down a job at the same time.
Yes I do have too much screen time, but also if we didn't live in this digital age I would have had to give up my job 2 years ago so you know swings and roundabouts

This is so true