to not understand why I'm so annoyed at this

Kijhlhgdvjk · 2025-12-15T11:12:02+00:00

We have lovely neighbours. Next door are a bit flash (make sure everyone sees their new extension, understands that the children go to private school, appreciates their posh new cars etc) but are decent, kind people. We are here lowest earners in the five-house street. Although I know that's ok, it seems to embarrass me a bit and I really don't know why. I'm not at all a snob and don't judge people on their income. Anyway, I had to buy a new car because my 12 year old car went kaput. I bought a better car, which is a bit newer, for a bargain price because it had been a category S write off. So, it cost about £1,500 rather than the £4000 that you'd expect. DH told my next door neighbour all of this. Why has this annoyed me? I've told friends about the price because, like me, they like a bargain. So, why am I so annoyed with DH for telling the neighbours? He is very money-orientated (tight arse), so this could be part of the issue.

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 11:16

I'm not sure it's normal to have an earnings league of your neighbours. Working out why have you done that might be helpful.

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/12/2025 11:18

How do you know you’re the lowest earners? I don’t know what anyone in my street earns, and couldn’t guess by looking at lifestyle - it’s an odd thing to know about your neighbours.

I’d not be impressed if my DH shared what my car cost because it’s literally no one’s business what we spend our money on. I can’t be arsed worrying about what other people think of what I do, earn or spend. Could it be your subconsciously embarrassed about earning less? You know on one level it doesn’t matter but deep down feel a bit less than?

everdine · 15/12/2025 11:23

I wouldn’t have a clue what my neighbours earn. We are very much a quick hi on the doorstep if we see them but never have any sort of meaningful conversation.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 15/12/2025 11:24

I would re-frame how you think of yourselves as people who are smart and savvy with money.

It can be mildly challenging to be surrounded by people who have more cash than you, but if your otherwise lovely neighbours feel the need to bang on about their new cars, then that is a deep seated insecurity in them, so rather than feed that, frame yourselves as people who manage money well and spend it wisely - this should not be be sneery to them of course, but given you can't compete even if you wanted to, it might help to have a clear identity of how you approach money should it come up.

I understand school fees and extensions but spending on new or over fancy cars (unless you are rich rich) absolutely baffles me.

FuzzyWolf · 15/12/2025 11:25

I think the issue is with you and your self worth that is linked to finances.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 15/12/2025 11:25

everdine · 15/12/2025 11:23

I wouldn’t have a clue what my neighbours earn. We are very much a quick hi on the doorstep if we see them but never have any sort of meaningful conversation.

I can think of a couple people I know in London who have the little house on a street of bigger fancy houses, who cheerily refer to themselves as the poorest people on the street. I'm guessing it might be something like that for the OP.

Original poster

Kijhlhgdvjk · 15/12/2025 11:27

I know that we earn the least because I know what jobs they have and what they can clearly afford. This shouldn't matter at all, and I don't think it would of DH didn't keep telling people how little we spend on everything. I don't want anyone thinking that I'll also a tight arse. He can't read a room and expects everyone to be similar to him. I think that's the crux of the matter - it's not money, it's him being blinkered and embarrassing.

OP posts:

IPM · 15/12/2025 11:28

I'm not sure why either of your need to be telling people.

Also not sure what your friends liking a bargain has to do with it, assuming you're not going to sell it to them.

I kind of get the impression you feel inferior to your neighbours and that's the real reason you're annoyed.

But only you can change that.

SmaugTheMagnificent · 15/12/2025 11:30

By tight-arse, do you mean financially sensible? This is a good thing!
A tight-arse is someone who doesn't pay for their round in the pub.

Original poster

Kijhlhgdvjk · 15/12/2025 11:30

I don't know why he told the neighbours how much we spent (or didn't spend!) because they wouldn't mention the price of theirs to us. Again, it's just him thinking that people want to know because not spending is his preoccupation.

The reason I told two friends (in the same conversation) is because one of them is looking for a similar car and because I know them very well.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kijhlhgdvjk · 15/12/2025 11:31

SmaugTheMagnificent · 15/12/2025 11:30

By tight-arse, do you mean financially sensible? This is a good thing!
A tight-arse is someone who doesn't pay for their round in the pub.

He's a tight arse

OP posts:

Applespearsandpeaches · 15/12/2025 11:32

My advice is to stop talking to people about your finances and stop listening to others talk about theirs. I haven’t got the first idea what my neighbours or friends earn or paid for their cars and nor would they know much about our finances. The only person who knows the details of our household finances is my husband. I’m grateful and content we have enough for our needs and I choose not to invite envy or pride into my life by comparing our position with others.

Enjoy your bargain, quietly - otherwise you’re not enjoying your bargain, you’re enjoying other people’s opinion of you based on your bargain hunting.

Tryingatleast · 15/12/2025 11:32

Kijhlhgdvjk
I know that we earn the least because I know what jobs they have and what they can clearly afford.
dy thinks about it other than you comments

We look flash (our car and holidays) but it’s because we get things on hp or credit. We went years not going anywhere etc and got fed up of that being our life. Everyone assumes everyone else has money. There’s a famous joke in Ireland and it’s that someone asks about your coat and you automatically say ‘oh this was in the bargain in pennys!’ because you don’t want people to think you’re above your station!!

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/12/2025 11:33

Kijhlhgdvjk · 15/12/2025 11:27

I know that we earn the least because I know what jobs they have and what they can clearly afford. This shouldn't matter at all, and I don't think it would of DH didn't keep telling people how little we spend on everything. I don't want anyone thinking that I'll also a tight arse. He can't read a room and expects everyone to be similar to him. I think that's the crux of the matter - it's not money, it's him being blinkered and embarrassing.

It’s not being a tight arse to look for the best price for things, why pay more than you need to for something that does what you need it to. I’d not generally share what I paid unless there was a good reason but there’s no shame in being frugal.

Original poster

Kijhlhgdvjk · 15/12/2025 11:33

Applespearsandpeaches · 15/12/2025 11:32

My advice is to stop talking to people about your finances and stop listening to others talk about theirs. I haven’t got the first idea what my neighbours or friends earn or paid for their cars and nor would they know much about our finances. The only person who knows the details of our household finances is my husband. I’m grateful and content we have enough for our needs and I choose not to invite envy or pride into my life by comparing our position with others.

Enjoy your bargain, quietly - otherwise you’re not enjoying your bargain, you’re enjoying other people’s opinion of you based on your bargain hunting.

Exactly. I don't talk about my finances and nobody else does - only DH

OP posts:

IPM · 15/12/2025 11:35

Kijhlhgdvjk · 15/12/2025 11:33

Exactly. I don't talk about my finances and nobody else does - only DH

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But it's quite clear from your OP that you feel inferior to your wealthier neighbours.

I think if you can get a handle on that, you won't worry so much about what your husband chooses to tell them.

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/12/2025 11:35

Kijhlhgdvjk · 15/12/2025 11:31

He's a tight arse

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Is your discomfort that you’d actually have liked a nicer car but your DH wouldn’t spend the money?

nomas · 15/12/2025 11:36

I think you're annoyed because this was your chance to feel a bit 'equal' to your neighbours and your DH has taken that away by presenting your car as 'lesser' than a 'normal' car to your neighbours.

Totally understandable reaction.

I think you should stop telling your DH things. He can't be trusted to keep his gobshite mouth shut.

Original poster

Kijhlhgdvjk · 15/12/2025 11:37

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/12/2025 11:35

Is your discomfort that you’d actually have liked a nicer car but your DH wouldn’t spend the money?

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No, I found the car and chose it. I love a bargain.

OP posts:

Applespearsandpeaches · 15/12/2025 11:37

Kijhlhgdvjk · 15/12/2025 11:33

Exactly. I don't talk about my finances and nobody else does - only DH

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Except you do, because you’re telling your friends. And you’re sitting calculating your neighbours incomes and financial status. It’s just a slightly more discreet and less tacky way of doing what your husband is doing.

KarmenPQZ · 15/12/2025 11:38

Totally get there’s things you share with close friends but not with general acquaintances…. Even if you’re super proud of it.

He made a social faux pas….. does he realise he did it? If so and he’s sorry then move on as it’s good not to dwell on it. If he doesn’t then you need to talk around sharing and over sharing with acquaintances to see if you can get him to see it.

but I wouldn’t worry too much. As you’ve said you might earn the least on the street but that earnings has got you to the exact same place as them by making different decisions. And the important word here is different. Not better or worse just different. Each to their own and all that!

Greggsit · 15/12/2025 11:38

it's not money, it's him being blinkered and embarrassing.

No. You being embarrassed is not the same as him being embarrassing. This is a you issue. From your posts, it very clearly is about the money. He doesn't have an issue about discussing money, you do. That doesn't make him wrong, just because his attitude is different to yours.

DaisyChain505 · 15/12/2025 11:39

This is a you issue.

It’s a ridiculous statement to say that your neighbour “make sure” everyone can see their extension. It’s an extension that’s permanently fixed to their home, it’s not something they’re wheeling out the front of the house when they see someone coming.

Stop comparing yourself to everyone else and learn to be happy in your own life. Between my friends, family and neighbours there’s a huge range in wealth, houses, holidays taken etc and it’s not something I think twice about as to where I fit into the ranks and what others think of me.

nomas · 15/12/2025 11:39

Applespearsandpeaches · 15/12/2025 11:37

Except you do, because you’re telling your friends. And you’re sitting calculating your neighbours incomes and financial status. It’s just a slightly more discreet and less tacky way of doing what your husband is doing.

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Eh? She's allowed to tell her friends she bought a Cat S car. She may have wanted their input into whether to buy it or not.

Doesn't make it OK for her DH to tell others.

nomas · 15/12/2025 11:40

Greggsit · 15/12/2025 11:38

it's not money, it's him being blinkered and embarrassing.

No. You being embarrassed is not the same as him being embarrassing. This is a you issue. From your posts, it very clearly is about the money. He doesn't have an issue about discussing money, you do. That doesn't make him wrong, just because his attitude is different to yours.

He doesn't have the right to discuss her finances with neighbours.

The net result is that she now won't trust him and won't tell him things.