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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it just me who feels like this when socialising??

36 replies

Gawwwd · 14/12/2025 23:18

Good time of year to ask this - I’ve had a couple of social occasions this weekend, nothing overwhelming, just friends, but when socialising I have an inner monitor who assesses my performance, like “you’re being awkward now….you’re being boring now” etc etc. And I’m a woman in my 50s who likes jolly japes and laughing and I’m happy enough, and I really wish this voice would just fuck off and leave me be. Might it go by the time I’m 80??

OP posts:
FrothyCothy · 14/12/2025 23:19

Pretty much every social interaction, multiplied by 10 with alcohol and then about a million the next day when I relive it all in my head. So I don’t go out much!

GarlicBreadStan · 14/12/2025 23:19

I've always been like this. I'm only 27 but can see this lasting a lifetime. My inner voice is a HUGE critic and because of it, I very rarely socialise

Original poster
Gawwwd · 14/12/2025 23:22

FrothyCothy · 14/12/2025 23:19

Pretty much every social interaction, multiplied by 10 with alcohol and then about a million the next day when I relive it all in my head. So I don’t go out much!

That’s such a bummer that alcohol makes the voice louder!! What’s the bloody point of booze if it makes you more inhibited?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gawwwd · 14/12/2025 23:24

GarlicBreadStan · 14/12/2025 23:19

I've always been like this. I'm only 27 but can see this lasting a lifetime. My inner voice is a HUGE critic and because of it, I very rarely socialise

you still have time, set that voice free!! Don’t be hung up, hung up like my inner critic and me 🎵

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 14/12/2025 23:26

I think a lot of us were brought up feeling we have to entertain / perform. That's not all bad obviously but it would be nice for the old critic to cut us some slack

BeFairOliveBear · 14/12/2025 23:33

Yes, I am like this. Also "am I making enough eye contact", "this person thinks I am so boring", "what can I say next", "did I offend that person" "am I coming across ok" and it goes on and on....then I find it very hard to unwind afterwards and process everything. No wonder I don't socialise much!

GarlicRound · 14/12/2025 23:34

Heck, no, I don't have this! I have my fair share of inner enemies, but not that one. It must be horrid!

GarlicBreadStan · 14/12/2025 23:36

Gawwwd · 14/12/2025 23:24

you still have time, set that voice free!! Don’t be hung up, hung up like my inner critic and me 🎵

Show quote history

It probably doesn't help that I'm autistic and have pretty strong Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, but it's something I'm trying to work on so I can model and show good thoughts to my son. To take those negative thoughts and try to play my strengths against them

HRTQueen · 14/12/2025 23:38

I thought this was normal until a friend mentioned how a mutual friend of ours does this she was shocked we both do

it’s absolutely draining especially the inner conversations the next day

thankfully I am not much of a drinker as this makes it much worse

I like socialising in small groups not too often as it’s exhausting

Dontpokethebearnow · 14/12/2025 23:44

I lose track of conversations and then end up zoning out because I'm too busy criticising myself during social interactions. I realise I'm talking too much or I've changed the original topic and just suddenly go silent which makes a very awkward silence.
I spend 20 minutes wondering if my facial expressions were rude, am I rude, do they think I'm boring? If I yawn do I look rude and think they are boring? Then I of course think about yawning which causes me to yawn again.
Then I just end up staring into space and standing/sitting alone.
No surprises I don't make friends very easily!

Original poster
Gawwwd · 14/12/2025 23:58

GarlicRound · 14/12/2025 23:34

Heck, no, I don't have this! I have my fair share of inner enemies, but not that one. It must be horrid!

It is horrid in that’s it’s so self perpetuating and limiting. What’s it like to interact with people when you dont have the voice, do you……gulp:::..look forward to socialising?!?!?

OP posts:
174ghxt · 15/12/2025 00:24

I think a lot of people can relate to this. Just musing here.... it might be an inner critic thing that you need to shut down, but it might be a good self-awareness thing (haven't we all been with someone who could do with reflecting whether their monologue is boring?!) And also...when do you NOT feel this? Who are the people, who, when you talk, are listening with interest and the inner critic is silent? Maybe it's as simple as not finding the right people to talk to? There are people who make you ask yourself if you're boring/awkward etc and then there are the people who make you think, yes, I can do this! I made a joke, and they're laughing. I talked about something I care about, and they're asking questions!

Christmas2025 · 15/12/2025 00:49

I've never had that voice. I believe it's a low self esteem thing and probably isn't your voice but the voice of someone who always criticised you, even if it doesn't sound like their actual voice. It's one of those things that can be fixed with therapy, I think. I don't think it goes away on its own though, if you've got it.

ChristmasRobinFly · 15/12/2025 00:53

to All that have this negative inner voice, did you have a critical parent ?

NickyWiresSunnies · 15/12/2025 00:55

Yes, I have an inner monologue. You can train it, because its you. I guess it's currently giving voice to some lack of self-esteem? Or judging everyone else as the situation doesn't complement your jolly japes?
Not everyone has one. Mine helped sustain anorexia for years, but with confidence-building, or ego shrinking, you can enjoy having an intelligent inner life.

Christmas2025 · 15/12/2025 00:56

Gawwwd · 14/12/2025 23:58

It is horrid in that’s it’s so self perpetuating and limiting. What’s it like to interact with people when you dont have the voice, do you……gulp:::..look forward to socialising?!?!?

Show quote history

Yes! I just...have conversations. I know I'm not perfect, I have my faults. If people dislike me for my faults then we're incompatible, it doesn't mean either of us is a horrible person or a complete waste of space. Nobody is perfect so I just don't worry about having faults. If nobody wanted to be friends with me then obviously I'd take a long hard look at myself! But that's not the case, most people like me, some people become friends with me. So I'm fine then, no better or worse than anyone else.

Imonmyway · 15/12/2025 00:56

I get it too,literally analyae everything and drinking makes it so much worse!

GarlicRound · 15/12/2025 03:51

ChristmasRobinFly · 15/12/2025 00:53

to All that have this negative inner voice, did you have a critical parent ?

Yep, my dad was the archetype critical parent.

After a significant amount of therapy, I understood that my inner critic - I named her Fucky Nell - is trying to protect me by anticipating Dad's judgements. So stopped trying to shut her up, started thanking her for looking out for me, and gently told her we are not a kid any more and Dad's dead. Still a work in progress and always will be, but it's much, much better.

However, I never had this particular problem because Dad had no interest in my social functioning. As long as I was quiet, smiled enough and answered questions politely, I was good. I first heard of "singing for your supper" from a friend's mum in my late teens, and I liked it. I think I'm fairly good at that - making a social contribution - yet have NO desire, unconscious or otherwise, to be the star of the show. I don't "perform" and don't expect everybody to like or admire me. I pay more attention to whether I like them.

Maybe some of you could start having friendly talks with your personal Nells.

Firefumes · 15/12/2025 03:58

I only feel like this with people I’m not fully comfortable with like awkward colleagues or people who I’m just mutual friends with ie friends of friends.

personally if I feel like this, I don’t actually see it as a negative reflection of me. It’s more that, I just know I don’t get along with that person & should prioritise other people

Fogandfern · 15/12/2025 07:17

Yes I have this, but it seems to be worst post event. Analysing why did I say that, i should’ve been more x etc. Even if I’m home early I know I won’t be able to get to sleep

Original poster
Gawwwd · 15/12/2025 09:52

ChristmasRobinFly · 15/12/2025 00:53

to All that have this negative inner voice, did you have a critical parent ?

Yup! I’m completely textbook in that department

OP posts:
Sparrow7 · 15/12/2025 09:54

I kill mine with alcohol. Or I don't go out. This is not good advice.

Original poster
Gawwwd · 15/12/2025 09:54

Firefumes · 15/12/2025 03:58

I only feel like this with people I’m not fully comfortable with like awkward colleagues or people who I’m just mutual friends with ie friends of friends.

personally if I feel like this, I don’t actually see it as a negative reflection of me. It’s more that, I just know I don’t get along with that person & should prioritise other people

That sounds like a really healthy way to approach it. Problem for me is I get the voice with pretty much everyone except my partner (cos I don’t really care if I bore the arse off him 😳)

OP posts:
Hello19834 · 15/12/2025 09:55

FrothyCothy · 14/12/2025 23:19

Pretty much every social interaction, multiplied by 10 with alcohol and then about a million the next day when I relive it all in my head. So I don’t go out much!

Same
It's exhausting isn't it 😫

Hello19834 · 15/12/2025 09:56

Can relate to everything you've written, OP. I've tried CBT for my social anxiety and still struggle!

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