Is it just me who feels like this when socialising??

[Gawwwd]

Good time of year to ask this - I’ve had a couple of social occasions this weekend, nothing overwhelming, just friends, but when socialising I have an inner monitor who assesses my performance, like “you’re being awkward now….you’re being boring now” etc etc. And I’m a woman in my 50s who likes jolly japes and laughing and I’m happy enough, and I really wish this voice would just fuck off and leave me be. Might it go by the time I’m 80??

Yes I do, but I’m autistic so I have this voice pretty much constantly for everything. Before conversations, if the socialising is planned, I’ll plan sentences or topics topics to talk about, then during I’ll have that inner voice reminding me about eye contact, how to stand, my expressions and reactions, then telling me off for not listening when I’ve got distracted, worrying about how I’m supposed to react to something they’re saying, planning what to say next. Then I’ll kind of score myself after and I’ll analyze thee whole event and congratulate me if I’ve done well, or work out what I could have done better if not.

I don’t drink any more so now I realise what a crutch my drinking was re socialising. My party trick is to walk in and FORCE my inner voice to say ‘I love socialising. Doesn’t everyone look fascinating. They’re probably all shy so I’m going to be lovely to them and ask lots of questions and compliment them’. That sort of thing. Stop wondering how you can feel better and start making other people feel better.
Sounds holier-than-thou but it does work!

Mine always arrived the next day ' what did you say that for? You were speaking too much, I bet they're laughing at you today' etc etc. It was awful and really put me off socialising. I have no idea whose voice it was, just part of the general inner unkindness I experienced.

Mine only subsided as a side product of learning to drive. I was quite anxious so before my lessons, I would have to psych myself up to get in the car and the best way I found was to look at myself in the mirror and say positive things to myself. So for the best part of six months, I spent 5 minutes every week hearing myself say good things about me, effectively giving myself mental and physical hugs.

It obviously cleared something in my brain because I rarely hear that critical voice now and if it does go to start up, I can shut it down straight away so it's not a thing any more. I definitely am more willing to socialise now.

No. I don't have this voice. And I am in my 50s. Because actually no one is thinking about me. I am not that important.
How much time do you spend assessing other people at a party? None, right?

Yes, but I have autism.

I do get this but I think it motivates me to do better at socialising. I prepare a few topics to talk about beforehand, and act a bit more outgoing than I feel to talk to people and make them laugh and feel comfortable. Later I think about whether I did well or not. I still enjoy socialising despite this.

YANBU. Some people struggle with socialising. I've always struggled. I'm now 60 and still struggle. It used to really make me stressed and anxious. It still does, but at least now I've accepted that it's "who I am" and just the way I'm wired. I used to spend a lot of mindspace on evaluating what I was saying, what I did, and rehearsing and planning to do things better next time. Nothing ever worked. I desperately wanted to get it right, like everyone else seemed to get it right, especially as a teenager and when I was in my 20's. But it never happened. The more I tried to change myself, the more I didn't change. By the time I hit my 30's I realised nothing was going to change and just accepted it and started minimising my socialising. I just did the bare minimum, i.e. family events and the works Xmas do. I was still hopeless at socialising, but at least it was only a couple of times per year. I think I've found "inner peace" now I've finally accepted it's just who I am and I actually think I prefer social events when I'm not trying to be something I'm not.

OP, you need to treat everyone else like your partner. If they are bored by you, that's their problem.

Yes, i feel like this a lot, but i have a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder. It doesn't only affect me at social events (which i avoid unless I have to go, e.g kids parties, school stuff etc I do force myself to go!) But every day situations like work, talking to family, going to the shops! Its like social judgement commentary in your head 24/7, only anti depressants can silence it in my case.

I suffer from severe social anxiety and I get this just by walking down the street "people are staring at you, you're walking funny, that person is laughing, it must be because of how stupid you look" this is my daily life, it is so bad I don't really go out and I have even avoided family because of it, when I do have to go out I pray for rain so I can put my hood up and "hide", seen a psychologist who seems to think I also display autistic traits but I haven't been diagnosed as I don't want to wait for the assessments as having someone observe me is my worst nightmare and I find it way too stressful. The only relief I get is on a weekend where there are no expectations to see anyone, I haven't worked in a long time because I would break down in tears because my brain was telling me how incompetent people thought I was so I'm a stay at home mum now, which also brings stress in other ways, teachers meetings etc.. i can't imagine not being this way as I have always suffered from it since very very young

My brother and I both suffered this really badly. Our parents would drum into us 'Be on best behaviour, don't let us down' before we went out socially and it completely terrified us into burying our real selves and performing an act in order to be liked/avoid punishment afterwards.

He had therapy and the therapist made it clear this treatment was the result of the problem. Understanding that really helped us both.

The therapist said an amazing thing that was transformative for me. She said not to think if people like you, but to ask yourself if you like the people you're socialising with. That had never occurred to me. I assumed it was for them to judge me and I just had to conform/perform in order to be good enough.

It changed me. But it took me and DB into our 50s to get to the bottom of this. What a waste of time all that worrying was.

Can I please just say to other posters. How lovely, thoughtful, kind, funny and articulate you all sound. Anyone would be lucky to be in your company.