Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

leave job because of dh mental health?

38 replies

worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 20:50

dh works 9-5 i work opposite basically 5-12. every shift he seems to struggle with the kids. they won’t sleep, they make a mess and run ragged and he texts me shit like can’t cope i’m done etc he thinks he’s having a mental breakdown and is burnt out but i don’t know what to do. i see his point, bedtime is tough because the kids are 4. 2 and 1 but i can’t work daytimes because of nursery hours. my shifts are back to back about 5 days a week. it’s a min wage hospitality job so not the end of the world if i leave. do i?? i’m scared he k@lls himself and id never forgive myself if i was at work when it happened

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 14/12/2025 20:52

solo bedtime with three kids of those ages is tough.

it’s a long way from there to he might kill himself thoygh. Has he ever talked about suicide?

Original poster
worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 20:54

i agree which is why i’m not angry i’m just upset. i do feel for him, they’re awful sleepers on a good day.

hes made comments about it not threatening it but like alluding to it sort of thing, hes been crying tonight which he doesn’t do ever. im worried its spiralling too far

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/12/2025 20:55

I don’t get what you mean about the nursery hours? I’d fine a different job, this one isn’t working for your family

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/12/2025 20:55

God, no. You'd then have to deal with the kids after a full days' work or be financially beholden to somebody else.

Original poster
worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 20:56

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/12/2025 20:55

God, no. You'd then have to deal with the kids after a full days' work or be financially beholden to somebody else.

but he’s not looking after them properly :( i came home tonight early to find them all awake, the place a mess and him lounging on the sofa and he says he’s been snappy with them

OP posts:
InBedBy10 · 14/12/2025 20:56

If hes so bad he may kill himself then is he fit to be alone with the kids? Or are you just exaggerating how bad he is?

If you can afford it, then I would quit my job until the kids are older. I can understand him feeling overwhelmed if hes working all day then coming home to solo parenting 3 very young kids. Do whats best for your family. You can go back to work when the kids are a little older.

BigOldBlobsy · 14/12/2025 20:57

This is a big leap. I mean, with 3 kids those ages that’s a bloody awful bedtime for most parents! But to think that your partner may kill himself due to it is probably leaving out a big backstory in how he manages parenting/stress/mental health in general?

I think it sounds tough for the whole family to have parents working opposites like that with 3 young kids. Maybe time for you both to consider finding different jobs if financially viable?

Original poster
worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 20:57

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/12/2025 20:55

I don’t get what you mean about the nursery hours? I’d fine a different job, this one isn’t working for your family

one is only in 8:30-11:30 so i can’t get a job that’s only like 9-11

OP posts:
Original poster
worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 20:58

InBedBy10 · 14/12/2025 20:56

If hes so bad he may kill himself then is he fit to be alone with the kids? Or are you just exaggerating how bad he is?

If you can afford it, then I would quit my job until the kids are older. I can understand him feeling overwhelmed if hes working all day then coming home to solo parenting 3 very young kids. Do whats best for your family. You can go back to work when the kids are a little older.

no and that’s my worry. i worry about their wellbeing too

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/12/2025 20:58

worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 20:57

one is only in 8:30-11:30 so i can’t get a job that’s only like 9-11

Show quote history

Why can’t you put them in nursery for more hours?

TheNestedIf · 14/12/2025 21:01

He can do it. You do it, don't you, and you work just as hard as he does outside the home. He just doesn't like it. Tough shit. He helped make them.

When someone is showing themselves to be flaky and incapable, the last thing you should do is give up the means to support yourself independently.

Original poster
worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 21:02

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/12/2025 20:58

Why can’t you put them in nursery for more hours?

Show quote history

because they go to the nursery attached to their school. they’ve been there for a while already and love it and i’m not uprooting them right now when their hours will be changing soon anyway but my issue is that dh can’t see past the current day. i keep saying dd is going to have better hours at nursery from mid january and then i can do day shifts instead but hr can’t seem to see past each night and im worried something is going to happen before that point

OP posts:
Original poster
worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 21:03

TheNestedIf · 14/12/2025 21:01

He can do it. You do it, don't you, and you work just as hard as he does outside the home. He just doesn't like it. Tough shit. He helped make them.

When someone is showing themselves to be flaky and incapable, the last thing you should do is give up the means to support yourself independently.

i understand this attitude and feel the same but it’s my kids who are getting the brunt of it :/

OP posts:
Mandylovescandy · 14/12/2025 21:06

Would you do day shifts at the same place in mid Jan? Is that agreed? If so what can you do to get there ok? Could you take any holiday, unpaid parental leave...? Could he? Seems silly to quit a job for the sake of a couple of weeks

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/12/2025 21:08

worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 20:56

but he’s not looking after them properly :( i came home tonight early to find them all awake, the place a mess and him lounging on the sofa and he says he’s been snappy with them

Show quote history

That's his failings - you shouldn't be forced to give up your independence and take on 100% of the parenting because he's feeling sorry for himself (as per the lounging on the sofa and the place being a mess) and taking his temper out on the children.

Original poster
worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 21:09

Mandylovescandy · 14/12/2025 21:06

Would you do day shifts at the same place in mid Jan? Is that agreed? If so what can you do to get there ok? Could you take any holiday, unpaid parental leave...? Could he? Seems silly to quit a job for the sake of a couple of weeks

honestly i think they’d tell me to essentially do one. it’s christmas in hospitality, i don’t think it’s an option. i asked to reduce hours and he near enough laughed in my face

OP posts:
Original poster
worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 21:10

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/12/2025 21:08

That's his failings - you shouldn't be forced to give up your independence and take on 100% of the parenting because he's feeling sorry for himself (as per the lounging on the sofa and the place being a mess) and taking his temper out on the children.

Show quote history

yes but why should the kids deal with that, they’re just little

OP posts:
Alicorn1707 · 14/12/2025 21:10

worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 21:03

i understand this attitude and feel the same but it’s my kids who are getting the brunt of it :/

Show quote history

but you've said

"dd is going to have better hours at nursery from mid january and then i can do day shifts instead"

So it's just grinding it out for the next five weeks or so.

Surely he could put on his big man pants, until then @worried7wiwuo ?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/12/2025 21:12

worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 21:10

yes but why should the kids deal with that, they’re just little

Show quote history

Alternative is for him to leave the house permanently (for the safety of the children as he's threatening to harm himself if you don't give up work, after all) and you claim UC and child maintenance. Then go back to work when it works for you.

1457bloom · 14/12/2025 21:12

You both need to agree a strict and simple evening meal and bedtime routine that makes it manageable and predictable, same routine every night. Children like structure and it will make it easier for your DH to cope.

Original poster
worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 21:14

1457bloom · 14/12/2025 21:12

You both need to agree a strict and simple evening meal and bedtime routine that makes it manageable and predictable, same routine every night. Children like structure and it will make it easier for your DH to cope.

that’s easy to say. the kids couldn’t care less about bedtime. it takes hours to get them down sometimes and it’s impossible on your own to get one down if the other is making noise on the other side of the door

OP posts:
ObliviousCoalmine · 14/12/2025 21:20

There’s a very big part of me that thinks he’s just “not coping” at being a basic parent. It sounds more like you’re being manipulated into leaving your job so he can do less.

If you worked 9-5 and were coming home and putting the kids to bed, would you be consistently messaging him about having had enough? Would you just not bother to parent and snipe at the kids and wait for the other parent to come back to deal with it?

I’m betting that’s a no.

I had a similar situation to you, and my life improved immeasurably when my ex husband left. Turns out the problem wasn’t the kids or their ages, it was just him being a useless parent…

Alpacajigsaw · 14/12/2025 21:25

He needs to get on with it really, how does he think single parents cope? I only had 2 kids admittedly and not 3 but my husband worked late nights including at weekends so I had to do the bedtimes on my own. It’s only looking after kids yes it’s relentless but it’s hardly brain surgery

Catza · 14/12/2025 21:51

I tend to agree with @ObliviousCoalmine. He is a shit parent and is offloading his responsibility onto you. If they are really that difficult to put to bed, then how are you going to cope with it yourself and is he going to support you doing it? I am going to suggest that he will continue lounging on the sofa while you do 100% of parenting alone.
Instead of leaving your job, I'd consider leaving the husband.

Scottishskifun · 14/12/2025 21:55

Would he manage them during the day at the weekend and 1 evening a week?

The likes of Aldi can be good for hours if you can do a 12 hour on a weekend day then one evening a week.

It sounds like things can't stay as they are so it might give you options.

Swipe left for the next trending thread