Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

leave job because of dh mental health?

38 replies

worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 20:50

dh works 9-5 i work opposite basically 5-12. every shift he seems to struggle with the kids. they won’t sleep, they make a mess and run ragged and he texts me shit like can’t cope i’m done etc he thinks he’s having a mental breakdown and is burnt out but i don’t know what to do. i see his point, bedtime is tough because the kids are 4. 2 and 1 but i can’t work daytimes because of nursery hours. my shifts are back to back about 5 days a week. it’s a min wage hospitality job so not the end of the world if i leave. do i?? i’m scared he k@lls himself and id never forgive myself if i was at work when it happened

OP posts:

MrsLizzieDarcy · 14/12/2025 21:58

It sounds like he's leading you up the garden path with all this talk of his mental health. What he wants to do is come home from work, sit on his arse all evening and instead he's having to graft for a few hours to get very young kids to bed. If he made an effort, he'd then have the rest of the evening to himself anyway - but what he's telling you loud and clear is that he's too important for that.

Give in to him at your peril. Start reading him the riot act if you come home and he's done fuck all.

Upthenorth · 14/12/2025 22:06

I actually do feel for him and you.

I work Monday to Friday 9-5 in quite a stressful job and that’s a lot of kids to look after straight from work. The two I have are plenty for me and they are older.

To me the kids take priority. If you can afford to then I would stop working until January and then start once you have more childcare.

Nothing is as important as health and he doesn’t sound healthy.

I get what some people are saying but you know him best and if he’s being a lazy dick or genuinely struggling.

Original poster

worried7wiwuo · 14/12/2025 23:11

Upthenorth · 14/12/2025 22:06

I actually do feel for him and you.

I work Monday to Friday 9-5 in quite a stressful job and that’s a lot of kids to look after straight from work. The two I have are plenty for me and they are older.

To me the kids take priority. If you can afford to then I would stop working until January and then start once you have more childcare.

Nothing is as important as health and he doesn’t sound healthy.

I get what some people are saying but you know him best and if he’s being a lazy dick or genuinely struggling.

thank you. yeah he’s not lazy, he’s a good dad and does so much in the house etc but he just seems to hit a wall at bedtimes where he can’t cope on his own and i truly don’t blame him

OP posts:

DuchessDandelion · 14/12/2025 23:18

Are you sure this isn't weaponised incompetence?

DuchessDandelion · 14/12/2025 23:20

OK hadn't seen your last post before I replied.
I'm not denying it's hard as hell. Can he articulate what bits he finds most challenging and can you help come up with better strategies for managing them?

Pumpkinmagic · 14/12/2025 23:46

Is there a reason you both don’t have a bedtime routine for your children that works for you all? I feel for your husband working full time then coming home to chaos with 3 young children and on his own. He needs time to unwind in the evenings. I’d go mad if I were him with no downtime, sounds horrendous and not something you can sustain. Did you ever have a routine for your eldest? If not, what made you decide to have a 2nd and 3rd?

3luckystars · 15/12/2025 08:31

I feel for both of you. Yes I would give up the job and tackle the bedtimes together. It’s still going to be hard even with 2 of you at those young ages. All the very best x

StartingFreshFor2026 · 15/12/2025 08:46

I'd quit until they were in school and things were calmer tbh. Working opposite shifts is really hard for families, and your children are so small.

Always keep a back up plan and keep in mind that you can go back to working in hospitality any time. I don't think you'd lose those skills from a couple of years staying at home with your kids.

LIZS · 15/12/2025 08:48

Could you have a childminder to collect at 11:30 and give them lunch to extend your available hours. Noone is going to offer 9-11 but may 9-12:30 or 14:00 in hospitality to cover lunch.

Naunet · 15/12/2025 09:05

This is ridiculous. Man 'cant' cope with the 3 children he decidied to have, so woman has to give up her job and financial independence, to do it all. What does he think single parents do?

If you're going to give up work to cater to him, then at least make sure he pays into a pension for you.

CatPawsAreCute · 15/12/2025 09:11

I think he can manage for five weeks until your hours change.

Florencesndzebedee · 15/12/2025 09:20

Can you afford to buy in some help? Or employ an au pair who can assist from school/nursery pick up until 8pm?

MarchInHappiness · 15/12/2025 09:26

Dh worked nights, including weekends, and I worked 9-5 during the week (with over time). We saved a lot on childcare and it meant DD had one parent around but the shift work put a strain on family life. The evenings were lonely and we rarely had family time at the weekend. I don't think you should quit your job but maybe look for a job where you at least work fewer evenings.

Flip

1 2