To have distanced myself from 'broke' friend

[MsTuition]

Firstly, this friend, from what I have learned is highly unlikely to be 'broke' but in the past few years I have known her during times when her income may have dipped she has been very quick to complain about how broke she is. To the point where I've gotten sick of hearing about it.

This all may sound very unfair of me, but here's the context, I was at the very end of my maternity leave and had managed to extend it so I was in the 4th month of having no income (SMP had run out too) so I if I wanted anything fun I dipped into my savings and on top of this I continued to contribute to household bills / mortgage at home using my savings...and then my partner decided to quit his job without having something else lined up, at this point I had already managed to make work agree to allow me to go down to 3 days a week. In short I had plenty to worry about financially but I never once thought of myself as broke and would never think to complain to anyone else about this.

My friend had timed her return to work just before summer holidays, literally the month after SMP would end so she knew she'd get back to full pay during summer (she's a teacher). On top of that she had income from tuition, exam marking, lodgers and her partner was covering ALL household bills & majority of groceries. She also had a 5 star luxury holiday planned, silly money of a flash new car and late night shopping splurges . Is it normal to spend £175 on Primark clothes for just one DD in one shop? She knew my situation but never once showed sympathy, just went on about how broke she would be for a few weeks, happily let me pay for her food when we met up.

Am I being unreasonable to also think that anyone that goes on and on about being broke probably isn't? When you genuinely are worried about finances you don't really want to shout about it from the roof tops.

If you don’t like her, then don’t be friends with her.

but sometimes people who say they’re broke, actually are broke

Friends are for commiserating and sharing support.

She’s having you on.
Find better friends.

Not sure I ever got any of that from her.

It's draining having someone moan about money all the time, you tailor where you go together and what you do to make sure they can afford it. Often you "know" they aren't that hard up and there's the rub.

I have a family member who is a single mum, who was continually worrying about her friends financial situation and lending her money which was never repaid, looking after her kids, etc etc. then someone pointed out the person had just got a tattoo, been on holiday twice that year and the scales fell away. She dropped the friend and is now happier and wiser.

People can be “skint” relative to their income but not be on the breadline or at risk of losing their home “skint”. They should use common sense when complaining to someone about feeling financially drained, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling too.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time financially, but it sounds like you think because your friend is financially more comfortable than you, you feel she can’t have financial stresses too. It’s simply not true and is quite narrow minded.

My husband and I are high earners - we planned our finances carefully this year and pre-booked multiple holidays. One of the trips was a friend’s wedding abroad to an expensive country. In May, the month of the abroad wedding, a close friend of mine announced her wedding was booked for this December. The rooms were £220 a room and pay in advance only. It’s a venue I know and there’s no where else to stay nearby. That was paid the week we went to the other wedding - so yes we both felt “skint” until the next payday.

His job has imposed 3 days a week in the office from 2 days for the last 6-8 months. We live a 4 hour round trip from his office, so he now spends about £400-500 on petrol a month. He hasn’t found a suitable role close to us so because of that, feels “skint”. But to friends we have had a lot of lovely holidays this year (which we pre-planned) but doesn’t mean we don’t worry about money.

I will point out that we’re intelligent/nice enough that we know not to complain to certain people about felling “skint” because it’s tone deaf and inappropriate. Your friend clearly doesn’t have that intelligence or thinks you’re in a similar financial position.

I hope your financial struggles resolve soon as I can’t imagine how stressful it must be especially combined with mat leave and parenthood. Perhaps distance yourself from her for a while if you find it difficult and she’s making you pay for lunches.

You don’t like her. She don’t have to stay friends with her if you don’t want to.

It’s quite possible that you have different ideas about what being broke is or that her circumstances are different to what you think or expect.

It’s quite shitty to start threads about people having different principles and doing things differently to you though.

Its not my definition of broke, no.

I know someone who is a well paid senior teacher - she’s pathologically tight and always pleading poverty. She borrows clothes on a night out, never buys cards/presents, leaches off other people and will be grabby over anything free. She’s actually not poor at all - she chooses to put most of her salary into her savings.

Her choice to save is fine, but pretending you have no money and leaching off friends is immoral.

Exactly this, she's "borrowed" endless items from me, whilst being in full time employment and I being on mat leave. I've given baby clothes and bags and bags of maternity stuff to her, there was a time she just seemed to be passing by my house at exactly breakfast or dinner times and would end up staying to have a meal and when I've popped by hers I'm lucky to get a biscuit with a tea.

I know she has a comfortable rainy day savings and makes overpayments for her mortgage every other month. I also know she demands branded/ designer items from her husband and this was while we were in a greasy spoon cafe where she was complaining of being skint and allowed me to pay.

I don't for one minute believe she is broke and if she's feeling skint then I'm sorry but that is down to poor financial decisions to have a browse in the shops almost every day and pick up useless items of tat and have takeaways every weekend and buy awful expensive tasteless crap.

Lastly, know your audience, don't complain about being skint to someone who for a while only had their part time salary to keep the household running.

Either ignore it or don't let her take advantage of you.

Pointless complaining over something you have control over.

Your friend isn’t the problem!!! Your partner is!! Chuck him out and claim universal credit as a single parent!!

Just because you paid your partner for your maternity leave doesn't make her not broke. She's feeling financially pinched.

Your partner's an ass who not only didn't support you while you extended your maternity leave and then went part time , but up and quit his job. That's going to affect your life a lot more than your broke friend.

She sounds very annoying, people like this always think they are broke when they are actually very comfortable. She sounds like a miser.

I am concerned about what you said about contributing equally when on maternity leave. Why didn’t your husband cover everything whilst you were taking care of the baby? Men who don’t do this seem financially abusive to me. If you are the one who stays at home you shouldn’t be expected to contribute 50:50.

Very draining

Why on earth did you pay for her food? You can't afford it so you should have said that you could only afford to pay for your own meal.

There seems to be a lot of posts recently about finding out your friend has money after declaring themselves broke.

is this the new winter theme?

Distance yourself/don’t distance yourself I’m sure you don’t need 100 strangers to confirm what you’ve already decided.

There was a time when AI BU was all about real dilemmas and not just about confirming someone’s decision.

This is why i don't talk about money.

I may moan about mortgage rates, the electricity bill going up, the price of butter but it's general moaning.

Not one of my friends know what my financial situation is.

I don’t think YABU but I think it might’ve been productive to have a conversation with her about why you are so frustrated with her- she probably she hasn’t given her language the level of thought you have taken as the receiver, and might’ve been horrified at how it made you feel.

this I continued to contribute to household bills / mortgage at home using my savings...and then my partner decided to quit his job without having something else lined up

What the hell! Is he an ex?

I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. She’s just a friend, you can see her less or stop being friends.

But why would your partner quit his job when you’re on mat leave? What happened with that situation?

My sister is the same. Would happily complain of being broke. Expects hand me downs for her kids / asks for generous presents, always happy to ‘take’ food and drink when offered, timing visits to cover meal times. Until recently I always offered even though it annoyed me, as that is who I am. What I have, I share. She really is happy to take from me because ‘I have a good job’.
i finally saw this year how one sided it all was and so I have stopped. Starting with no generous family Xmas gathering thing year. She’s not happy! Wanted to know why I was having her family over as they all really enjoyed it ……. I didn’t tell her the truth (her 5th overseas trip this year etc ….) Just said that I thought someone else could host. Surprise surprise, no one has!

Some people are just tight and CF’ers. I have finally realised that they are not going to change. I am for one, making a conscious effort to reduce their impact on my life!

Your friend moaning about being broke is up to her, it’s your choice to pay for meals or whatever when you meet up though - I wouldn’t. I’d probably change the subject when her being “broke” came up or bluntly state that I was in a far worse position but I’d rather we not talk about money woes and just briskly change the subject.

I was in the 4th month of having no income (SMP had run out too) so I if I wanted anything fun I dipped into my savings and on top of this I continued to contribute to household bills / mortgage at home using my savings...and then my partner decided to quit his job without having something else lined up, at this point I had already managed to make work agree to allow me to go down to 3 days a week

The far bigger issue is your partner though! Are you expected to contribute equally to bills while on maternity? And why on earth did he quit his job without another lined up presumably without discussing this with you? Or if he did discuss it with you - did you agree to this?

I think you’re maybe taking out your frustration of having a financially slack and irresponsible partner on your friend. He sounds quite selfish from what you’ve shared.

You have bigger problems than your friend @MsTuition :

this I continued to contribute to household bills / mortgage at home using my savings...and then my partner decided to quit his job without having something else lined up

Seems like you live with a completely useless twat- ditch him before you ditch the friend +

Aargh the art of poor mouthing - people who are truly skint rarely talk about it - those who just want more money preferably off other people ‘poor mouth’ - they are very irritating.

Is @MsTuition coming back now many of us have identified the problem is her useless partner?