DH away Boxing Day - 3 Jan

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 2025-12-14T17:47:20+00:00

DH has just been invited to a wedding, next year, it's between Xmas and NYE. Because of work, there is no way I can take the time off, work will not allow me the time off (we have a rota for Xmas period leave as it's an extremely busy time of year). It's an 18 hour journey, long haul flight plus car ride, it's an old friend's wedding. Who he hasn't seen in a decade. DH's flight leaves Boxing Day. I'll have to juggle work and childcare for our then 3 year old but I can solve that by having my mum over. My dad will be working but he'll pop over too. He's excited and has already said yes. I just feel really...deflated about it? I don't know, I would have never considered leaving him and DD for that time of year. And not for a friend who I hadn't bothered to see in a decade (tbf both the friend and ourselves have moved abroad, opposite ends of the world so it's tricky). AIBU to be a bit upset? I have told him he can go but that I'm not thrilled. He doesn't understand why I'm not happy about it and said that it's just over a week and I'll have my mum over and it's mean of me to try and stop him.

Daytimenighttime · 14/12/2025 17:55

He doesn't seem very invested in you or his child if he has unilaterally decided to bail out of the family at a time when spending quality time with those closest to him would have been the norm.

VegBox · 14/12/2025 17:57

Not unreasonable at all! It's really shit for him to spend most of the Christmas holiday away from you and your child. I can't fathom wanting to have that time away from my family.

sundayvibeswig22 · 14/12/2025 18:10

I would have no problem with dh doing this as a one off for his best friend/ sister (someone really close) but it’s strange that your dh is happy to give up a special and busy time at home to go to someone’s wedding at an expensive time of year, that he hasn’t seen in a decade.

Tiswa · 14/12/2025 18:12

He said it was mean of you. Nope that would not go down well with me

i would point out that saying how hard it will be for you to sort the pressure it places on you and your parents and the fact he is leaving your child isn’t mean it is true

Ballondor · 14/12/2025 18:16

I’m a little different to some of the responses above. He should definitely have discussed it with you before agreeing and assuming it was fine. However, if properly discussed and arranged, with plenty of notice, I probably wouldn’t mind this as a one off, isolated, event. That said, I’d obviously prefer if it was shorter or not at all.

ginasevern · 14/12/2025 18:18

I'll be honest, if I was invited to a wedding (jolly) abroad I would deep down want to go but for the sake of my DH and child, at Christmas especially, I'd decline and say no more about it. Of course your DH understands why you're not thrilled, anyone normal would but he's doing what men do best. Putting himself first and blanking out anything that spoils his fun I'm afraid.

atamlin · 14/12/2025 18:20

Any other time of year I’d be happy for him! But at Christmas, no. He’s probably planning on spending Christmas Day packing, so I’d make sure he does that well in advance.

Mine was asked to be best man a few years ago at an abroad wedding that would mean him leaving on Boxing Day. He didn’t want to go but if he had, I’d have seen it as a sign that he wasn’t invested in family life.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 14/12/2025 18:20

I'd be utterly furious, especially if you don't get a lot of time off work. It's selfish at best. And how much is it going to cost?

174ghxt · 14/12/2025 18:23

Am I right in thinking that the reason he hasn't seen the friend for so long is the distance?
I get that the Christmas holiday is a particularly bad time for him to go because it's a family time, but as a one-off thing I would accept it.

Original poster

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 14/12/2025 18:44

174ghxt · 14/12/2025 18:23

Am I right in thinking that the reason he hasn't seen the friend for so long is the distance?
I get that the Christmas holiday is a particularly bad time for him to go because it's a family time, but as a one-off thing I would accept it.

Yes, the distance is the reason, mainly. Friend moved away but then we did too so we don't get to see each other u less visits overlap, which they so far never have. But they barely text or speak as well.

He only found out the guy was a father when his baby was 4 months old.

OP posts:

Original poster

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 14/12/2025 18:45

Thanks all. DH has presented it as done deal and is really very much insisting that I'm being unreasonable to express any kind of disapproval.

So at least you've made me feel better I'm not going crazy here.

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ProfessionalPirate · 14/12/2025 19:05

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 14/12/2025 18:44

Yes, the distance is the reason, mainly. Friend moved away but then we did too so we don't get to see each other u less visits overlap, which they so far never have. But they barely text or speak as well.

He only found out the guy was a father when his baby was 4 months old.

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This is ridiculous. It would be one thing if it was a family member or best friend but in this case…
to be honest, the fact that he even wants to go in these circumstances is awful. I can say with certainty that both my DH and I would have declined something like this without further discussion (and we are people who usually love a good wedding abroad and have attended several!)

174ghxt · 14/12/2025 19:08

You're not unreasonable for being disappointed and he's not unreasonable for being excited. And make sure you also get time to kick loose and have an equally long/expensive break or equivalent minibreaks. You're not just a wife and mother any more than he's just a husband and father.

Tiswa · 14/12/2025 19:09

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 14/12/2025 18:45

Thanks all. DH has presented it as done deal and is really very much insisting that I'm being unreasonable to express any kind of disapproval.

So at least you've made me feel better I'm not going crazy here.

And that is what you need to push back on. That it isn’t about going it is about the fact that he isn’t seeing what he is asking of you and what he is potentially missing and the burden given you have to work he is expecting your parents to step up and take his place.

because that is the issue isn’t it not him going and I would make that clear

Newyearawaits · 14/12/2025 19:11

174ghxt · 14/12/2025 18:23

Am I right in thinking that the reason he hasn't seen the friend for so long is the distance?
I get that the Christmas holiday is a particularly bad time for him to go because it's a family time, but as a one-off thing I would accept it.

This and he will be with you up to and including Xmas day
It wouldn't bother me

Original poster

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 14/12/2025 19:42

Newyearawaits · 14/12/2025 19:11

This and he will be with you up to and including Xmas day
It wouldn't bother me

Show quote history

We are both working a full day on Christmas Eve and up to then. So all we will have is Christmas Day.

And NYE with my mum isn't really what I would choose, is it?

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HaveANiceFuckingDay · 14/12/2025 19:45

I wouldn't stop him from going. It would definitely cause resentment I think .
You said you'll be working anyway so he would be by himself while you work ?
Its a few short days , I.wouldn't choose this hill to doe on to be honest.
I take it you dont know the couple getting married ?

Iamnicehonest · 14/12/2025 19:48

You told him he can go. Did he need to ask yr permission?

Thelittlegreyone · 14/12/2025 19:51

Out of interest, what does he do for Christmas in terms of presents, decorations, food etc?

Thelittlegreyone · 14/12/2025 19:52

You said you'll be working anyway so he would be by himself while you work ?

Presumably he’d be caring for his DC?

PopcornKitten · 15/12/2025 17:56

Were you all invited or just him? I always think destination weddings are a big ask. People have to pay a lot to attend and use a portion of their annual leave.
If It’s December 2026, have you asked about leave? A wedding may be considered a valid reason to grant you some absence.
I would also say he’s not going for just the wedding as he’s going to be there over a week. (I know a lot of the time will be spent travelling but it’s still over a week he’ll be away.)

moderndilemma · 15/12/2025 18:19

Hopefuly you and dh will have 30 / 40 / 50 / 60 years to spend Christmas together. It will change and vary over the years.

This is a one-off opportunity for him to reconnect with his friend.

You have support over that period. I'd be happy for him.

Original poster

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 15/12/2025 18:20

PopcornKitten · 15/12/2025 17:56

Were you all invited or just him? I always think destination weddings are a big ask. People have to pay a lot to attend and use a portion of their annual leave.
If It’s December 2026, have you asked about leave? A wedding may be considered a valid reason to grant you some absence.
I would also say he’s not going for just the wedding as he’s going to be there over a week. (I know a lot of the time will be spent travelling but it’s still over a week he’ll be away.)

I was invited, but it's a childfree wedding, so even if I was able to go, we'd have to figure out what to do with the 3 year old too. But it's not a problem, as I can't go! I have Christmas off this year (for which i had to plan for and ask approval back in January), I absolutely cannot have it off next year. No point asking.

It's a destination wedding for the friend's side. It's the bride's home country so the bride and groom have not done anything wrong at all.

From my POV, when we moved away as well, we made a choice that we won't be able to do some of the stuff we want.

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Original poster

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 15/12/2025 18:24

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 14/12/2025 19:45

I wouldn't stop him from going. It would definitely cause resentment I think .
You said you'll be working anyway so he would be by himself while you work ?
Its a few short days , I.wouldn't choose this hill to doe on to be honest.
I take it you dont know the couple getting married ?

I'm not working 24/7, just 9-5 on the working days! And it's 10 days that he will be away, not a couple of short days.

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Lookingforthejoy · 15/12/2025 18:26

As you’re working and he isn’t he should take his child.