DH away Boxing Day - 3 Jan

[AlltheCoffeePlease1809]

DH has just been invited to a wedding, next year, it's between Xmas and NYE. Because of work, there is no way I can take the time off, work will not allow me the time off (we have a rota for Xmas period leave as it's an extremely busy time of year).

It's an 18 hour journey, long haul flight plus car ride, it's an old friend's wedding. Who he hasn't seen in a decade. DH's flight leaves Boxing Day.

I'll have to juggle work and childcare for our then 3 year old but I can solve that by having my mum over. My dad will be working but he'll pop over too.

He's excited and has already said yes. I just feel really...deflated about it? I don't know, I would have never considered leaving him and DD for that time of year. And not for a friend who I hadn't bothered to see in a decade (tbf both the friend and ourselves have moved abroad, opposite ends of the world so it's tricky).

AIBU to be a bit upset? I have told him he can go but that I'm not thrilled. He doesn't understand why I'm not happy about it and said that it's just over a week and I'll have my mum over and it's mean of me to try and stop him.

If it's important to him to be there I would be happy for him to go, as I would also expect my husband to be happy for me to go to someone important. Not great timing but you have a yr to plan and many more Christmas's to spend together.

I wouldn’t be impressed with this. In the end, he’s going isn’t he no matter what you say. He’s going to owe you big time OP.

He is. TBH, I'm not that upset that he's going and I would have probably said ok, I just wish he had 1) acknowledged it's a bit shit and 2) asked me what I thought before saying yes. He made me feel crazy for not being that happy about it so I posted here for a sense check.

To be clear, I haven't cried about it or started an argument. Just didn't give him the excited "yay absolutely how wonderful" go ahead that he was hoping for lol. I said ok, it'll be a bit of a juggle and a bit sad to be on my own for NYE, will get my mum over to help.

I always say it’s up to those getting married to choose the wedding they want but it’s a wedding not a summons. They also cannot be upset if some people for whatever reason are unable or unwilling to go.
Circumstances mean you are unable to attend so you just need to ensure that you and your husband are both in agreement about what happens. What you don’t want is resentment building. It seems like you respect his decision to go just not how he has gone about it. It’s one of those situations where everyone will have different opinions.

I’d probably eventually accept it however I can’t imagine my dh unilaterally deciding to do something like this without a proper discussion first

yep make sure you plan a lovely holiday abroad with a friend and leave the dc with him!

We regularly holiday separately and I'd have no problem.with this due to the time of year

I wouldn't be happy with 10 days though. Can he go for a shorter time?

I'm assuming cost isn't a factor and you'll still have family holidays

YANBU for being upset but you should let him go with good grace. I think I would have felt the same when DV1 was that age. But now we have two and yes, Christmas is special, but life can be so bloody relentless, it’s nice to have something to look forward to, especially which is about you as an actual person, not just the family man/woman.
Having said all that, I think HE should be making an effort to organise festive things with you and DD in the run up to Christmas (pantomime, light trail) to make up for being away after Christmas. And you should book a few days away when you can.

No he should have asked to go with good grace and recognised the inconvenience he is asking of her and the fact he is disrupting his child’s Christmas at probably the first Christmas they will really get it

There’s no reason at all to go for this long. Why can’t he just go to the wedding and then come back?

its not so much the time of year but all those holiday days used up when your kid will be at preschool in September - you need your holidays for actual parenting

I’d tell him to go to the wedding but make sure he packed properly as he wouldn’t be coming back to the marital home !

He should have discussed it with you first but if he’s not generally a twat I’d suck it up.

I’m assuming it’s in Australia or similar

You aren’t crazy and I wouldn’t be happy especially as he unilaterally decided to abdicate all his parenting responsibilities on to you and your mum without even asking first. He isn’t a single man but unfortunately many men are like this and only consider themselves. Selfish especially over Christmas and New Year which is usually a time to spend with loved ones not someone he hasn’t seen in a decade and doesn’t keep in touch with.

I would be saying fine you have just told me you are going regardless so tell me when I can have my week off and go off on holiday with a friend if you can bear to be parted from your DD. You probably won’t as the majority of women put their family first, not themselves.

And how would your dh feel if it was you going op? There's your answer!