To think this is not my fault/problem to fix?

[Physioterrorist]

DD5 just does not want to see her Dad. Results in crying fits/tantrums every time he comes to collect her for his time.

Around two years ago her Dad left us/the family home for his affair partner. Since then, he has seen her for around 1 hour 2-3 times a week. I believe there was some issues surrounding him seeing our DD due to his new partner not wanting him to collect DD from our home amongst other things.

Now, whenever he collects her for his time with her DD will throw an almighty tantrum, screaming that she doesn’t like him and wants to stay with me. She has become very clingy with me lately, possibly because I do absolutely everything for her/with her? Every time these tantrums happen, her Dad will then give me grief saying how upset this makes him and he doesn’t want to see her anymore.

I’ve done everything I can to facilitate a relationship between them and ensure he gets to see her and don’t see what else I can be expected to do?

This does also cause me stress as I literally get 0 time to do anything without DD being with me when she isn’t at school.

AIBU to think this wasn’t my doing and isn’t my problem to sort? It should be him?

However I would also love some suggestions on how to help this as I am getting to my wits end as well!

There is really nothing to solve. Your daughter doesn't want to see him, he said he doesn't want to see her. Perfect!
Yes, in the ideal world they would have a loving relationship. But they don't. Respect your child's wishes and stop visits.

It’s both of your responsibility to do what you can to make the situation better - you’re her parents.

If he doesn’t want to see her, fine that’s his choice and that’s it.

But if he does and he’s asking for help making your DD feel comfortable then, for your DD’s sake, I would do it. Make sure to say throughout the week things like “don’t forget you’re going to daddy’s on friday” etc and make sure it doesn’t take her by surprise. Or ask her if there’s things she can take - comfort blanket or toy or whatever - to make it easier for her. Maybe try and have her spend more time with him incrementally because sometimes if it’s not enough time it’s not enough to build the bond and enjoy the time.

This is the perfect answer

Is your DD able to vocalise why she doesn't like Daddy, going to see Daddy? Are there changes that could be made, reassurances that could be given that could help her maintain a relationship with her father, if it is in her best interests?

Whenever I ask her she replies that she just doesn’t, so I don’t think there are any actual reasons. More she is so clingy to me she doesn’t want to go anywhere without me.

She is like this when say her Grandad or Auntie look after her for me as well, but nowhere near to the same extent.

I always try to reassure her and explain it’s her Dad’s time etc, it just seems to have no effect. Her Dad also throws a paddy during this and will just leave while she is still crying, which doesn’t help either.

Sadly if it went to court at her age you would be expected to bundle her into his car regardless of how distressed she was..
You could see yourself in big shit if you didn't. Offer him suitable times(via email) dd will be available.. Likely he won't show on those times. Keep records. If he is a consistent No Show this will be in your favour if he did indeed seek the legal route.
Given his past record absolutely none of the above would be applicable..

He does have set days/times with her every week and in fairness he does turn up for them. If I’m honest I would ‘bundle her into the car’ for his visits but unfortunately he leaves/doesn’t give DD the chance to calm down so I don’t even get the option to do that.

Regarding him saying he doesn’t want to see her anymore, this seems to be a ‘throwing his toys out the pram’ retaliation to her not wanting to go with him. He does want a relationship with her and I would like them to have that as well, I just don’t see what more I can do when he doesn’t help himself either.

So she has learnt that if she makes a big fuss then daddy fucks off and she gets to stay with Mummy? And he wonders why she makes a big fuss?

Nothing you can do if he doesn’t understand basic parenting.

It's nobody's 'fault', but yes, both you and her dad are responsible for 'fixing' it.

Your daughter has learned that she gets her own way in this scenario by throwing a tantrum, so you're going to have to play your part in correcting that behavior.

It doesn't sound like her dad is dealing with it particularly well from his end, although I imagine it's extremely distressing for him. He's going to have to step up, grow up and keep his emotions in check, but you'll need to work together to fix this.

Your daughter is five; she doesn't get a say in where she spends her time, tantrum or no tantrum.

I'm 61, but I was once the child in this situation. While it may not be your problem to fix, it is best for your daughter, long term, to find a way through this. I don't have a link to add right now, but there are studies that show children who do continue contact with both parents have better school results and better self esteem.

I do remember screaming and not wanting to go with dad. He'd done nothing wrong, I just didn't want to go, all my toys and other comforts were at home.

I think it probably needs to be a combination of you faking great enthusiasm and excitement about going to see daddy, combined with a little bundling her into the car. You do need to be on the same page, both parents, so many be develops some sort of little ritual, something they go and do as soon as he picks her up, also faking that excitement if he needs to, and also persisting with smiling and getting moving on days when she does have to be bundled into the car.

It will help if you both do this knowing that it really is in her best interests long term if she has that continuing relationship with both of you.

I'd suggest he plans something ultra fun to take her to each time until she settles in to leaving you

Would ex be open to you doing things with her together until he can rebuild a relationship with her?
Also reiterate to him that you’ll never get anywhere if he stomps off in a huff everytime and he’s only reinforcing her behaviour

Note everything in the parenting app for future reference.

I.e. “Today was the 5th time you left without taking your DD during your parenting time as you couldn’t handle her tantrums. Have you considered taking parenting lessons? Getting some help to resolve your inability to parent your child on your time rather than just leaving her? By walking away during your contact time you are just adding to her distress and leaving me to deal with our very upset child. How are you going to resolve this moving forward? You cannot continue to desert her, she wants and needs a father in her life. Saying you don’t want to see her anymore is very distressing for her, please can you stop saying this.”

I think you need to just keep encouraging it @Physioterrorist

You say she’s like this with her Grandad and Auntie as well so this isn’t a specific issue with her Dad.

It would be awful to cut their father daughter relationship out just because of a few tears at handover.

Its not healthy for her to have such a severe attachment to you that she doesn’t want to be with anyone else and if you don’t encourage it she’ll end up with anxiety and unhealthy issues surrounding her confidence.

Make sure you’re not letting her see you upset during these handovers, make them short and sweet and once you’re out of sight I bet the tears stop.

Speak with her Dad and plan to work together so hand overs are done very quickly. Have her stuff ready to go, he rings the doorbell and you come and strap her in the car and he leaves. The longer you’re trying to soothe her the worse it gets.

Try not to say “I missed you so much whilst you were gone.” When she’s dropped back as this makes her think you’re sad whilst she’s away. Stick to more positive conversation like asking what she got up to and saying you’re so happy to hear she did XYZ.

Could he pick her up from school instead so she isn’t handed over by you? Or do the handover in a more neutral place so she isn’t leaving you/ home? Does she actually enjoy herself when she is with him? It might be better to reduce the transitions if she likes being with him and it’s the saying goodbye to you she doesn’t like so him have her a day a week instead of three short visits.

The thing is though, I do encourage it. There are no tears or sadness from me during these handovers - I encourage it wholeheartedly! I’m firm with her that it’s her time with Dad and have everything ready. As soon as he hears her say she doesn’t want to go then that’s it, he gives up.

She has no issues with going to school/parties without me, so I don’t think it is an anxious attachment thing? But if he leaves before I even get the chance to bundle her into the car what more can I do?

I will show him the replies so hopefully he understands more and we can work towards a solution.

Unfortunately due to his work he can’t collect her from school. I have offered full days on a weekend but he hasn’t took me up on the offer as of yet.

As far as I’m aware she does enjoy her time there so that is a positive. I will consider more neutral pick up points!

Her dad has all but disappeared from her life. I suspect the clinginess comes from a fear that you might too if you're out of her sight.

I suggest you talk to her before she goes about what you'll both do when she gets back to reassure her that you'll still be there.

In the house, leave her playing or reading and tell her you're going into the kitchen to wash up, bedroom to make the bed, whatever...and again, that you'll do 'x' with her when you come back. It won't be an instant fix and she'll push back, but if you're firm she will learn that you do come back.

On top of that she might even benefit from a simple talk about how you won't leave her.

If he can't pick her up from school, what time is he collecting her?
Is she too tired to cope with the change? Too close to bed time?

On a weeknight it’s typically 5pm so she normally goes for tea and comes home for bath/bed at 7.30. A weekend it’s around lunchtime and there isn’t a difference to how she reacts. That could be possible for the weeknights though definitely, will have to look at timings.

Agree a pick up time of 5pm probably isn’t great if she’s only 5 years old. After a day of school she’s probably tired. I don’t want to go out after work either!!
does he say he doesn’t want to see her in front of her? He’s making this all worse. Can he come inside and have dinner together, just to try and get things back on track?

He doesn't pick her up until 5pm? No wonder it's a disaster. She's tired out from school and just when she's got home and settled she's being picked up and taken out again. I wouldn't want that as an adult, let alone if I were 5 years old!

The lunchtime pick up at the weekend also isn't ideal. She's been at home and chilled with you all morning and then just as she's hungry she's being picked up and taken out.

I would suggest you both revisit these timings as they just don't work for a child of this age. Surely it would make more sense for her to go to his on a Friday night or early Saturday morning and spend the whole weekend every other week, and perhaps for now, the weeknights are him popping round to yours to hang out with her and have tea while you go out and have some me time, so she's at home in her own space with Dad?

Knowing children as I do (teacher), I think this is 70% to do with timing and 30% to do with your ex being a bit useless at dealing with rejection - while I can imagine it is very distressing for him to be rejected by his daughter every time he visits, he has to learn to manage his emotions and be the adult rather than going off in a huff. That being said, I do think if you sort out the timings and have your ex be in your house with your daughter for the after school visits until she's a bit older, things will improve remarkably.

Definitely this!

But also, it seems as though she always goes to him for a meal. It could be as simple as her just not liking what he gives her to eat.

I think she needs short bursts of really relaxed time with him - just playing with her favourite toy, or watching her favourite show together. Even him reading to her. Meals can be stressful if you're already unsure of the situation.

It is your problem, isn’t it? You are going through it as well and you want the best for your DD. And to have a break occasionally!

You are also in a good position to fix it.

Instead of getting cross about it and blaming him for giving up - when he is probably really hurt and afraid he will lose her forever- try and be more focused on rethinking it.

PPs have pointed out the time may be an issue. Also, taking her from the house.

It might be better to meet somewhere, hang out for 5 mins, then you leave.
Also, give her something to return to you with- I can’t remember the technical term, but something of yours that she will give back to you when he brings her home. Let her wear your scarf, or keep one of your gloves. It just reassures her she’s coming back, she won’t leave and live somewhere else like Daddy did.

If she was a puppy, you’d build up to this gradually, with a walk together and you nipping out of sight for a few minutes, building up the time away until she’s comfortable. We are better at dog training, I think!

I suspect the fact that he leaves frightens her. She has observed that he throws a tantrum and buggers off if she is unhappy, and she might well be terrified that he’ll abandon her without you there. She clings to you because she trusts you.