Do all relationships suffer after a baby?

[RuinedSaturdayNight321]

Just had another horrible argument with DH and ruined Saturday night. A recurrent theme of me resenting how much freedom he has, he thinks he's father of the year, I feel like I do everything, he thinks I'm a nag and harsh and cold.

DS is 16 months. I don't know whether to ride this out, if this is just a sleep deprivation induced horribleness (DS still wakes once or twice a night) or whether there is no future for us anymore.

Sit down, make a list of everything that has to be done, next to this write down the name of the person who currently does it. Make a note also of how much time each person gets to themselves each week. Then you can both see who is right/wrong and what needs to change to achieve equality in your parenting relationship.

But yes, it is quite commonplace for this to happen. A baby creates a massive amount of extra work, more than people can imagine before the baby is born. What happens then is that both parties feel like they must be shouldering most of the burden just because it's so much, but often it's the case that it's just soooo much that both parties have a lot on their shoulders.

Once you have the list of all the jobs that need to de done and who does them you can look to see if any of those jobs can be done by someone else (can you get some childcare/a cleaner/a mother's help/a dog walker/use an ironing service etc etc) or reduced (can you wash towels/dust/shop/clean the car/mow the grass less frequently/more efficiently).

No, all relationships don’t suffer. It sounds to me like instead of working together to support each other, you are competing: who has it better/worse, who does more of value etc.

Resentment will kill your relationship if you let it continue. It is very common in the early months of pp but not so common IME after 16 months. Are you a SAHM by any chance?

I think all relationships change with a baby, but not necessarily suffer, no.

No, by far the higher earner. And that's part of the problem. I'm working like a dog at work and at home, pay for everything, while he does a job he loves and doesn't pick up the slack at home. Not without copious amounts of nagging anyway.

So he doesn’t pull his weight as a provider and nor does he pull his weight domestically. You sound trapped and need to think about what you want your future to look like.

Similar situation here - I can only tell you that it gets so much worse with time and the resentment builds up. Tackle it head on if you can.

Something needs to give then! Can you reduce your hours? Find a job that you’d find more enjoyable? It can’t just be on you. You should both be in jobs that you love (at best) or tolerate well (at worst). Is DH doing any of the wake ups?

I cannot stand this list bullshit.

He either cares about you and your wellbeing or he doesn’t.

He either wants to be an active parent or he doesn’t.

No, not all relationships suffer after children, but you both have to pull your weight, feel valued, supported, like you’re a team and communicate well. We had always been like that before we had children and it continued after children.

What was your relationship like before children?

No, good relationships do not suffer after a baby. The parents teamwork to meet the baby's needs and to give each other a break. If that is not happening in your relationship then it's the relationship that is fundamentally at fault.

At times yes, because you’re both exhausted and wondering why the other can’t see all you do. Saying that when I hear people saying they wouldn’t have children because of it I think they’re crazy because the moments of love and solidarity are mind blowing!

Yes

Yeah but before the baby he went on and on about how wonderful it will be because he's civil service and is home by 4.30pm and will do so much to enable me to continue my career to benefit all of us....bla bla bla. Now it's "baby prefers you", "you're better at it", "you like doing it" etc etc.

You are right, my career is well and truly over and I realize that. I do need to go do something easier with shit pay and shorter hours. How do I not let that resentment fester though?

Yes. Communication (when calm) is key.

No, they don’t all suffer. DH and I are stronger than ever after 2nd DC. I think one thing I make sure to do is, if I feel under appreciated or misunderstood I CALMLY explain why what he has said or done makes me feel bad or under appreciated. It’s a dialogue. He does the same with me. It’s not a row. And it happens as soon as the thought comes up. He knows I do wayyyy more than him and he thanks me for it a lot and quite literally pays me to do it all after we trialled him “trying to help” and he just was so useless we both got frustrated. Being paid helps me a lot as I feel literally valued.

The more you post the more it sounds like the relationship is done tbh.

I think you may be beyond a good chat and a list.

Thank you for all your replies. I do feel that I am the problem unfortunately. I have friends with husbands that do so so so little, and who never complain and just accept that small kids need them and that men will be useless.

But I'm getting consumed by the unfairness of it all and it's so stupid. I can't change him. I understand what some of the suggestions here are trying to achieve but I can't fundamentally change him. I either let things go or go nuclear and split.

I want to be a good mum and do everything and go with the flow but I am failing massively.

Yep. We are way beyond that. I'm gonna step away from the thread and have a good cry. I don't see this being salvageable.

The guilt of failing my son is what is keeping me in this relationship.

I wouldn’t put up with this and my partner has never acted like this. If he did and didn’t change, I’d end the relationship. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t love you enough to want to make you happy. I also wouldn’t want my children being brought up to think that is normal or ok in a relationship.

I’m sorry I wrote my reply before you I saw your last update and it seemed tone deaf then, but it was mainly focused on even in a very good relationship where both do a lot I have had resentment, mainly at the fact that men can switch off, and maybe it’s just me but I can’t, the guilt or worry gets to me and my husband doesn’t have this and I struggle with that. But I hope you find the answer to your that will cause you happiness and contentment in your life.

Hey - cut it out! You are not failing your son and you are not the problem. The sheer fact that you’re worrying about failing your son demonstrates that you are not failing your son. You are having a normal reaction to a situation that is causing you stress. You’re allowed to feel pissed off that it all falls on you. Many women would be annoyed by that. The fact that some women accept that doesn’t mean that you’re failing because you won’t accept it.

Would your DH go to marriage counselling? Perhaps he needs to hear it from someone other than you.

My son is 10 months and we recently had a very, very serious argument on this topic. I had to sit my DH down and discuss with him exactly what we were both doing, pretty much minute by minute, really pinning it down to the specifics of each day and all our tasks. It was unevenly distributed and I was absolutely sick of him always weaselling out of that so I wrote it all out in black and white.

We both work, I earn more and work more hours, and yet I was doing one full day of childcare per week when we don't have daycare and he has one day free per week where he didn't have to do anything with DS at all, then I still did more on weekends. It wasn't reasonable and while he does the cooking, that wasn't balancing it out.

We were both very unhappy in the marriage - we've been together 12 years so it's not a new thing, but with the baby, yeah, it changes everything, and I feel that is so for most couples. We needed to have a talk because I didn't want to be with him anymore. I didn't feel that he had my back. That was it basically. He just didn't.

Luckily our conversation made things a bit more positive and we managed to negotiate that he will take DS for a full 5 hour shift on Saturdays, for example, and some other things. You do have to talk about it and I would suggest coming prepared with notes. However, it may be that in the end, it is not salvageable. I don't know that, but I do know you have to talk.

I wish you love and luck.

Oh, I also read your comment that you believe you are not a good mum and are failing your son. No you are not!!! You are there for your son. You do the work to keep him happy and alive. It is your husband who is failing your son and you, and dishonouring your marriage, basically, by not giving you the help that is needed to raise his child.

The answer is certainly not you giving up work or your career suffering. The baby has two parents, and only one it appears is taking this new life seriously. He needs to step up or he'll lose you. I am also the higher earner and trust me, that was a great relief when thingd got difficult. Best of luck x

OP big hug. ❤️ Having a baby is hard at the best of times, let alone when you're tired, under pressure at work, and struggling to connect with a partner.

You sound practical so here's some steps:

1. Sign up for counselling. Individual, and couples if he'll go. You need a space to vent where the default answer isn't LTB. It might very well be the solution, but first get your head clear.

1. Realise as long as you love your son, you're not failing him. He is safe, and warm, fed and loved. He has his every needs met because of you. His life will be beautiful irregardless of if you raise him with your DH or co-parenting.

1. Sort your work situation. Easier said than done, I know! But do you really hate your DH or do you hate that you have to work harder than him? Fair enough if you still think he's a twat in a different job, but if you're on equal footing work wise would that help? Have you started looking else where? Can you afford to take a leave of absence? I would think this is critical enough to demand it tbh. Or worst case scenario can you quiet quit while you look for something else?

1. Another poster suggested writing out all the jobs and dividing. That's helpful, and do try, but focus on the outsourcing part. Cleaner + babysitter + PT + grocery delivery + anything else you can afford. Money comes second to sanity.

1. Carve your time. Tell him I'm going to the gym at X time, going for a coffee at Y time, and going to read a book for an hour while you take baby on a walk. Lower your expectations of how his time with baby will go. I know this is shit that you have to do this, but you need you time for any sort of mental clarity.