Do all relationships suffer after a baby?

[RuinedSaturdayNight321]

Just had another horrible argument with DH and ruined Saturday night. A recurrent theme of me resenting how much freedom he has, he thinks he's father of the year, I feel like I do everything, he thinks I'm a nag and harsh and cold.

DS is 16 months. I don't know whether to ride this out, if this is just a sleep deprivation induced horribleness (DS still wakes once or twice a night) or whether there is no future for us anymore.

I think all relationships suffer to some extent. But the degree varies. Its normal to be snappy, irritable, not putting as much effort into the relationship, stressed etc for the first year or so. But I think in strong relationships you both recognise that you're both doing your best, this is a temporary blip, and you gradually get back to something like it was before. Unless you have a relationship where the split of effort is fundamentally unfair, in which case I think it was a case of the relationship was always a bit shit but life was easier so it was just overlooked.

Please don't accept unequal effort because your your friends husbands are crap. That's like staying with someone who cheats, because they don't hit you, comparing the relationship to an awful low bar. There are men who do their share, without asking or reminding, because they're decent humans and believe in fairness.

It sounds from your updates that your husband is expecting traditional gender roles at home, but is happy for non traditional roles at work. So is happy for you to work harder and earn more, but also expects you to do the majority of home making and child rearing. Clearly this is fundamentally unfair, and shows he isn't a decent or fair person. Which is a horrible thing to have to come to terms with.

I think some people are capable of change - there are some posters on here who say they split up with their husbands and then they changed once they realised what they had to lose. I think it's the minority though and the majority of men who have let things get to this stage are happier being a weekend dad and not having any day to day responsibilities.

Have you told him how disrespected and frustrated you are and how this is the end of the line for you and you will leave if he doesn't step up and do half of everything? Do you think counselling would help at all?

I'd also advise against changing career because your husband won't step up, unless you're something like a city lawyer where the hours are fundamentally never going to be compatible with family life. Its so hard and so intense working when they are very young but it does get much easier when they are a bit older.