Another MIL post

[ThatMintDreamer]

First post and apologies for rambling on !
my husband of 15 years has a fall out earlier this year , he had been messaging other women looking for admiration and affirmation. I kicked him out to stay with his mum , I was very close to his mum before this but she totally cut off contact with me when this happened.
i have no family and she was my only family member so I contacted her explaining that I was very alone and feeling very upset , she said she hadn’t contacted me as she didn’t want to be seen to “take sides” I confirmed I didn’t want to involve her but just missed her company.
She didn’t get in touch.
My husband went to counselling and has moved home and we are slowly rebuilding our relationship, I cannot forgive his mum for ignoring me when I needed support ?
husband wants her round for Christmas, how do I deal with this ?

If you can forgive your husband and rebuild the marriage after his huge betrayal then why can’t you forgive MIL a work on that relationship? If anyone let you down more it was your DH yet you are prepared to forgive him.

If you're rebuilding your relationship, Christmas should be about the two of you. I'd put a ban on visitors for Christmas Day. Instead of taking the "your mum is a cold bitch" line, focus on how the two of you need time to make happier memories together.

You won't manage to get her out of your life, and she'll never apologise. So figure out a balance of her on the periphery that you can deal with. E.g. tell DH he can make her brunch on Boxing Day. Stay for the first 30 minutes and then tell them you're going for a walk to burn it off.

I can see why you are hurt.

Question: If you have forgiven her son, why not her? Is it more of a betrayal?

If you can get past this it could be the Start of a new chapter with both of them.
You can’t rely on her or him to have your back and that is a hard lesson, but you can make a new relationship with MIL that has that understanding.

Mum's are meant to stand by their children even when they screw up. While that doesn't mean she had to cut you off when you kicked him out, surely you can see why it was hard for her to be in the middle of two people she was fond of? You also don't know how much your husband was confiding in his mum. Maybe she didn't want to people independently relying on her but back chatting each other! I can see why you were hurt by her actions, especially if you knew you wouldn't say a bad word to her about him, but surely you see why she was in a difficult situation?

If you are able to rebuild a relationship with your husband, surely, over-time you can rebuild one with his mum over time if you want to? I see why maybe you don't want to, but that's on you.

It was a very awkward position you put her in, your husband had moved in with her and then you wanted her to comfort you at the same time. She was in the middle and it's understandable that she would do what she could to lessen that, she wasn't going to kick her son out so she ended communication with you.

You may not feel able to forgive her but you once felt close enough to attempt to have a tug of war with her son over her. Maybe you can find it in yourself to try and start over with her much as you have already done with your husband.

Sadly, she’s not your mum. She’s his. I think she did absolutely the right thing. YABU.

If you can forgive your husband you should be open to forgiving your mother in law. Absolutely you should say how hurt your feelings were and if she’s able to apologise and give you want you need, move forward.

Thank you for all your responses, I guess I am very aware of toxic relationships, I cut my parents off over 20 years ago because of there toxic , controlling behaviours and my mil was the closest I had to a mum ( we were very close before this ) I have always been there for her (arranged my fil funeral, took her shopping, had her around for dinner twice a week ) .
think my guard has come up because of total lack of support ( it hurt )!

I’m taking the other side.

She accepted your daughterly support but when you needed something back she cut you off. I’m not surprised you are hurt.

I would be cordial with her and build a new relationship, but I wouldn’t be doing anything like the above for her going forward.

Of course she supported her son over you, he’s her son. She’s not your mum, she’s his mum - just because you are estranged from your parents, does not mean she is your mother. You have a MIL / DIL relationship.

The person who you both in a difficult position was your DH, he’s welcomed back … and she’s getting ostracised. I’m guessing it’s not a position she wanted to be in either. There is someone to be annoyed at, and it’s not her.

You’re allowed to be hurt by the way she handled it and only you can decide if this is a big enough situation to lose her over.

Ask if you can pop round, meet for coffee or whatever works for you and just be honest.

Tell her you were really hurt that she went cold on you because you weren’t the one who did anything wrong and you could have used the support but you understand that her son was the one who caused the situation so it put her in an awkward position. Tell her you miss her and you’d like to get the relationship back to where it was and see what her response is.

I do think it would be good to forgive her. You have decided to forgive your husband as pp’s have said. But I do get why you’re conflicted. It was harsh of her to cut you off. Even a brief message to say that while she was sorry you were hurting, she would find it difficult to maintain contact as her son was now living with her and hoping you would understand.

How on earth can you forgive your husband but not his mum? That’s weird as he’s broken trust and been a dick. Your mil was put in a difficult position because of your husband.

It seems that you genuinely like her and see her as family, so it’s in your own interests to try to forgive and move on.

I don’t blame you for feeling hurt, how hard would it be to sen a message of sympathy? No sides needed to be taken.

What you have to understand is he is her son. You looked as though you were going to be his ex. I doubt she cares much about you other than in the context of her son and his convenience. Most MIL would try and be a bit more sympathetic.

Personally I wouldn’t have forgiven him, you possibly haven’t but people are financially or otherwise dependent and there is the idea that finding someone else is needle in a haystack of similar slimebags anyway so better the devil you know.

But as others have said, be civil and invite her. If it happens again with dh she will ignore you again, because you are not her daughter, and that’s what she is like on these matters, just accept it. You’ve accepted the ultimate shit sandwich already with dh after all.

She was in a difficult situation. Relationship break down are so personal. She did the right thing not to interfere.

I think you are displacing your angry on her.

I would say if you are trying to patch your marriage up, you should have Christmas Day without any visitors.

You know now you are only important if you are married to her son. She’s not your mum or even your friend, it’s a conditional relationship.

i would say to dh this year you want it to be the two of you . Going forward I would aim for a polite relationship but I wouldn’t let her in again.

So now you need to remember she is your husbands mum not yours. Be polite but keep the contact minimal, I would say no to Christmas because I don’t like hosting people who treat me badly.

I can see why you feel hurt, but by involving your MIL in your side too, it would have put her in the thick of things and been very unfair on her.

Put yourself in her shoes. Her own son was living under her roof having been kicked out, so by also keeping in contact with you, it would have made her a middle-man soundboard/peace keeper/mediator which would have been unfair.

It's good she didn't take sides. You have forgiven your husband. Your MIL has done nothing wrong and I can't see why you have anything to forgive.

It's not her fault you had no one else to turn to.

She’s his mum. It’s natural, whatever he does, that she supports him.

Totally agree , she really needs to earn your trust back.
My mil has always supported me regardless….

You misread the situation and thought she was the equivalent of your mum but she’s not, and you put her in the awkward position of effectively having to choose between her own child and his wife. Almost always parents will choose their child and that’s what she did. Quite how or why you think she needs to apologise to you for that is bizarre.

You’ve made amends with your husband, now you need to apologise to your MIL for embarrassing her by putting her in such a ridiculous situation and move on.

I find it odd you can forgive your DH who did far worse but not his mother who was probably worried about upsetting her son. Is this a convenient reason not to invite her over? If you want to build relations with your husband then excluding his mother at christmas isn’t going to be a good move.

Maybe have lunch with her before Christmas, let her know how upset you were and why, but tell her you want to move on, but had to say that.

In the absence of your own family I imagine you see her as a mum and when the chips were down (and he'd been disloyal) she (understandably) chose the him. That must have hurt.

I like to think in this position I would have checked you were OK and listened to you with sympathy and without taking sides. I'm sorry she didn't do this. It maybe that she didn't know what to do for the best. Give it time. Hopefully you will be able to repair things with your husband and her.