To be annoyed at being told exactly what present to get nephews

[Pinnochiosnose]

Just wanting to get perspective from someone else about this. My sister is quite intense at the best of times. We are just back from Disneyland and have been told more than once not to mention it to her kids that we were there or bring anything back from Disney for them as she doesn't want her kids to be "sucked in" to the whole Disney commercialism. Quite frankly I'm happy to respect that (although inwardly grinning as once they start going to school it'll be a whole new ball game). But after having to declare giving Disney-free presents for Christmas I told her exactly what I had got them. Because she had already said what she wanted me to get them to get, and I had added in one or two things extra, she goes into sulk because I bought more than she had wanted for them. I do understand it can be annoying if someone buys too much for your children but surely it's rude to complain about such a thing? I only see her and her kids about once a year due to distance so didn't think it would be such a big deal. Now I honestly don't feel like buying any future birthday/Christmas gifts for them if the parents are going to be so ungrateful! So what i would like to know is it unreasonable to complain about getting bigger presents than you asked for or is she right?! Her kids, her rules?

I would agree with this, were it not for the Disney ludicrousness, she does sound like hard work.

I wouldn't worry about it OP.

I have a sibling like this, they are just a bit grumpy & controlling in general and I always end up feeling like I have to pander to them to keep the peace, despite how often I tell myself I need to be more assertive! It's so annoying.

Every year they'll send a list with themes of items on (say, Harry potter, Peppa pig, cricket gear) and ask me to let them know what I've got - supposedly so they can let other people (who have been given the same list) know, to avoid duplicates.

Instead what happens is i buy something I think is fine, say a Harry potter rucksack and a Peppa pig jumper - I'll let them know and I'll get a response like 'oh they don't like rucksacks and they've got enough jumpers' - basically that the gift isn't good enough and that I need to go back and change it. I'm sure in our household we were taught to say thank you and accept things graciously, and tbh I think my nieces and nephews are polite enough that they would do so, it's just my sibling who is bloody awkward!

I don't agree with dictating exactly what someone wants to hear gifted unless that's wanted. I nearly posted just this weekend as I asked a relative what sort of things her DC were into (as I was looking at Christmas gifts) and she sent me a link to a specific item. I wasn't happy with it because I had my own budget in mind and also wanted to avoid getting everything on amazon. I didn't ask what they specifically wanted: I asked what they were into so I thought that was rude...

That aside, I agree with PPs who say it depends what you give. I get mildly annoyed with relatives who give large items that take up space or items of clothing I don't really want. Could it be that? I wouldn't say anything though.

Honestly, some of these family Christmases sound absolutely awful. Cut the tension with a knife I imagine.

why subject your kids to this kind of environment op? Not allowed to talk about Disney, mum and aunt pissed off with each, and they’ve had to travel to far to even get there.

My sister asks what she should get my children, I tell her, and children get something they like/ need, which is then used and enjoyed. My sister is happy. We are happy. Kids are happy. SIL just buys something she wants to buy. It then mostly remains unused until it goes to the charity shop - it usually is something the children are not into, already have, don’t like, doesn’t fit (she doesn’t see them very often and doesn’t know them). And when they were little - something we wouldn’t have in the house (those annoying toys that make endless sounds), already had, they’d already grown out of, not to our taste/ quality. But of course it is your choice - just…. It might get more usage if you actually follow your sister’s lead, especially if you don’t see them very often?

Not read the whole thread but maybe you buying more than asked for makes her feel obliged to buy more than she can afford for your children. I'd feel uncomfortable if someone spent a lot more on me than I spent on them.

Ahhhhh see my MIL gave my 3 year old a scalpel 'for crafting' for a her birthday this year as she went rogue.

So I am probably more like your sister on this. That coupled with the fact we literally have no space in our small house, unwanted gifts genuinely stress me out.

If you’ve been told what to get, why would you then go and buy something random??

I am not a Disney fan myself and I think it looks really tacky the Disney clothing/toys etc in stores. So I feel her there.
I appreciate my kids may feel differently when they grow up…
i always take advice from parents and am quite grateful when people ask me what to buy and they stick to the list. I made the mistake of not saying no gifts for my 1 year old birthday this year…we have multiple of the same things . 5 shape sorters.(the same one) 6 of the stacking towers… when we go to parties or buy gifts for family/friends I usually just buy what is asked for. Less waste unwanted stuff but more importantly I expect the parents have selected what’s best for their kids.

I don’t think she did? She’s given a couple of themes, buys stuff within those themes and then gets told no, not those things.

I am “one of those” mums - we constantly have more stuff than is easy to manage so I encourage no presents or books - if people are super keen to give something else I would help out with ideas but the world is so focused on consuming unnecessary “stuff” that just needs to be chucked away and bluntly I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking that way (there’s also loads of work about how more stuff leads to worse quality play). So yes it is annoying when close family and friends ignore you given it’s hard to donate their gifts (I regularly donate those from more distant friends who won’t realise). Maybe don’t be so dismissive about the values someone wants to bring their kids up with.

Disney is fantastic. We got loads of old Disney videos from a local charity shop (this is pre Disney+), everything from Snow White and Pinocchio to the 90s films, and they’re great. Watching the old animations was lovely (DD’s favourites are the really old ones) and fantastic songs.

It’s is impossible to have too many books!!!

That should read no presents, or else only books as presents. I agree! - hard to have too many books which is why I make the exception (though I have had repeats a few times).

Phew!! 🤣🤣🤣

I'm not really open about being told what to buy- they either have to wait and see or get the money I would have spent-their choice.
I instituted this when my step mother gave me a list for her son (my half brother) they were all video games at £60+ each (this was in the late 80's) I told them straight that wasn't going to happen my budget for EVERYONE'S presents was £80 that year- there is no way they were railroading my budget like that. There was an argument, but it was worth it because it would have just kept escalating and my half brother was incredibly spoilt anyway so it definitely wouldn't have been money well spent.
So no, people cannot tell me what to buy them-how on earth would they know what budget I had allocated?

Why on earth are you travelling long distance (dragging your kids along too!) to spend Christmas with someone who doesn’t seem keen on you and you don’t seem keen on her AND is censoring what you and your poor children can talk about whilst under her roof.

I understand her gripes tbh. When my DC were small I hated noisy, garish, plastic toys so would always request either books or wooden toys. I don’t think there’s much issue with this since it’s also the more sustainable choice. Perhaps I would have been known as a nightmare too.

Now I send links to specific things my DC want to help family out and prevent them buying shit I know they won’t like. It makes sense- prevents waste including your money.

You hated noisy, garish, plastic toys… but did your children?

But did your children, who the toys were for?

DMIL once bought DD a plastic garnish light up music walker. My heart sank. But it stopped sinking once I realised how much DD loved it and wanted to walk and push it along, and how it kept her occupied.

I stopped being a snob about toys at that moment.

Great minds….

i have a lovely very very “earth” mum friend. It was all wood and books. Not me!! Every Christmas I bought plastic, lights up, noise fuelled toys for her two. And every year she’d send me a pic saying “yep, they loved and all they want to play with 😆 “

This is not about the specific presents, it's about the fact you and she have different parenting approaches.

The two of you need to give each other enough respect as parents and avoid conflict over small things like gifts.

I don't like the idea of dictated presents either although I can understand not wanting too much stuff and not wanting to buy into commercialism.

What would happen if in future you thought of an idea and messaged her in advance to check if it was OK? This is what we do with our nieces/ nephews, so it's still our idea but we know it will be appreciated.

Could you talk to her about understanding her perspective but also wanting to get something for them that is truly from you? There's a compromise here surely.

I wouldn’t be ok with telling my kids they can’t discuss their holiday.
presents, I don’t mind gift ideas as I would sooner get what they want but if I want to get a little extra I would! Your sis sounds hard work.

How boring that the children's presents are controlled to this degree! Surely part of the joy of receiving gifts is not knowing what they are . And you might get bought something you didn't know you'd like until you got it