To not want to go ‘home’ for Christmas

[vespersjack]

This year, DH and I moved 3 hours away from our families (his big, mine very small) for his work and have recently had our first child (4 month old).

The transition to motherhood has been overwhelming, mentally, emotionally, physically…it’s been so much harder than I imagined but I’m in love with DD.

DH wants to spend Xmas day just us at home but Boxing Day and until New Years Day staying with his family and visiting round extended family and friends houses. I’m exhausted by the prospect and feeling quite anxious - am I being a big Scrooge?

Ive taking on the SAHM role and am with DD 24/7 although DH helps at weekends. She was a colicky baby and barely sleeps. I’m holding on by a thread.
In laws are lovely but their house is very chaotic and we won’t have much privacy. DH thinks I’m making a mountain out of a molehill not wanting to disrupt our current set up where everything is a bit more familiar. Am I being unreasonable not wanting to drive 3+ hours as well as staying over for a week? Right now the plan is that we are going but it’s because I feel like I have to and everyone will think im miserable and keeping DD away at Christmas otherwise.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Stay home x

I went home with my dh and newborn dd for Christmas when she was six weeks old because I’d committed to being my best friends bridesmaid. Looking back it was a crazy decision. It was exhausting and so unsettling and we had to take so much stuff with us. And my mother has a very calm and massive house.

Is there a compromise visiting for a shorter amount of time or staying with your family and visiting his family just for a few hours a day

Not possible to stay with my family. We could stay less time but will still have to do the journey and take all the stuff- I’m being horrible aren’t I

there will be 15 of us on Boxing Day

With a four month baby, you get to say what happens. You are not unreasonable.

That’s far too much. There has to be a compromise. A night. Or two at a push. Absolutely no more. End of.

That is too long to not have privacy while also being tired from caring for an infant.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. I drive 90 minutes to a wedding reception when dc1 was that age and that was bad enough!

Stay at home, invite them to visit for the day. Or not.

When we had a 3 month old at Christmas we stayed home, traffic is awful at Christmas (unless you travel on Christmas Day), will likely take longer than usual. I would suggest staying home

DH’s take is that we will be looking after DD together so I will be able to relax but as her main caregiving it feels much deeper for me than that, I’m also EBF so she is very attached to me. EBF also means I can’t drink through the anxiety 😂 and then there is this new ‘superflu’ going around!?

You're not being at all unreasonable with a first baby that has colic. You must be exhausted. Your DH is probably a bit clueless because he has no idea, not being the primary carer. It's fine to put your foot down and he should support you, even if it's disappointing for him not to go home. Show him this thread.

I'm def not one for avoiding germs and babies but recent flu cases alone would have me stay home. I had dc 3 one November and stayed with family with 3 x dc but was an old hand at parenting! Your shoes? They'd def be staying on my home mat.

I'd go but for a shorter time. Do the big boxing day meal, but not loads of visits afterwards.

Also, you can drink through it if you aren't co-sleeping. The level of alcohol in your milk is the same as your blood alcohol level. If your blood alcohol level was high enough to affect the baby, you'd be dead.

I’ve gone away for Christmas with a baby of similar age.
You will be doing all the work you do at home, but in chaotic surroundings.Add a long journey and having to pack all the stuff a young baby needs.

I’d want to stay at home and enjoy a relaxed first Christmas as a family.

Stay at home

Once we had DCs we never visited in laws at Xmas.
Mine were 5 hours in one direction, DH's 5 hours in the other.
We've had Xmas at home now for years and see our families at other times of the year.

Great God no. Do not feel you have any obligation to visit family just because it's Christmas. Above all if you're frazzled.

Can his parents not visit you? A week is too long to stay, baby or not

No way . Tell them you don't want baby disturbing the household as she cries a lot at night . Or compromise with one night . You are the one with the new baby you shouldn't be expected to visit . They come to you or not at all .

I’m usually not super anxious about germs etc but with the viruses going around and a baby that young I think travelling around several houses in a week over Xmas would be my nightmare.

💯 this a million times over.

You are breastfeeding and exhausted, it's your say ultimately.

What are his family like? There might be a queue of people happy to watch and entertain baby whilst you catch up on some sleep and adult conversation.

I used to love extended family get togethers.for this reason.

But if they are not like that, then hell no!

People with big families have a different mindset to small families. I’m big .. sleeping in front room on blow up, carnage with everyone coming and going.. bog standard

dh small family.. everyone has own bedroom and it’s calmer

both are great… but I cope much better than dh

dh needs to get this different in my experience.. because he will then understand your retinance , because it’s actually difficult for you and more doable in small doses and if he doesn’t allow you your feelings you will end up not doing it at all

No way. Driving was awful and we were both so sleep deprived. We did one two hour trip each way to see very elderly great grandparents with a 3 month old and declared never again. I was terrified we'd end up asleep at the wheel. I know many people have no choice but to drive long distances with very young babies but NCT advise against it, so just use this as your reason not to.

This!!

We took DD1 to my parents , 3 1/2 hour drive when she was 2 months old- only way my dear father was going to meet her due to disability. It was a quiet, calm visit of a few days though she was also colicky, but we made the mistake of calling into some friends on the way back , traffic diversions threw a spanner in the works and breast feeding a screaming baby in a packed service station carpark in snow whilst eating some nasty burgers is not a happy memory.