Mum expect us to drop everything so she can see GC

[superbakedpotato]

Just as the title says. My mum just expects DH and I to drop everything, cancel plans, ignore our baby's nap schedules and meal times so she can drop in with no warning because she wants to see 10mo DD.

Don't get me wrong, it's lovely that she wants to spend time with her, but it's always on her terms, she gives so little notice that she wants to pop round, and if for any reason we say no or suggest an alternative time, she throws a strop and falls out with us.

Is it just me? What am I supposed to do? I find myself, against my better judgement, abandoning my baby's naps knowing I'm getting myself in for a horrific nights sleep, just to avoid a big to-do with my mum. It's so stressful, I'm fed up of it. AIBU to expect her to understand we can't just drop everything every time she wants to pop in on a whim?

It’s not mothers, it’s your mother. Why would you rather upset your baby and yourself than your mum? You’re a mother now, stick up for your baby for goodness sake. “Can’t see you this afternoon mum, x is napping”. It’ll get easier the more you do it.

If I want to pop in to see my DD or grandchildren, I message her to see if she’s in. I’m pretty certain that if it wasn’t a good time, even if she was home, she’d probably say ‘just out at the moment, will be home at 4’ and I’d reply - Ok, I’ll call round then.
So when your DM calls to say she’s popping round, just tell her you’re out at the moment and will be in at X time.

youre daft. Say no.

let her sulk. You have the baby she wants to see so she can't ignore you for long! Just pretend you don't even notice and be happy and chatty. She'll soon learn.

You need to be advocating for your and your child. If she strows a strop she's only going to end up with less time with your child. She will soon get the message.

Why cant you say, do pop by by LO is sleeping so youll need to wait until shes up to see her. Or were having lunch so of course but do you mind feeding her. Or even.. no now isnt convenient, come tomorrow at X time?

Oh come on, set some boundaries or this is going to get worse. So what if she strops? Just say no if something doesn’t suit.

You've got to advocate for yourself and your kiddo. There's no point burning yourself out to keep others warm. I've had the same from my own very keen family and would reply 'it'll be lovely to see you! X will be napping until about Y but we can have a kid-free coffee and catch up while we wait for them to wake up. Maybe you can do some dishes or fold some laundry.....'

Jeez. Just say no and if she has a strop let her strop away in her own home!
Why not preempt her by inviting her around at a time that suits you then schedule her next visit before she leaves.

You're the mum now, start being the mum you want to be, start advocating for the needs of YOUR family, and start saying no when it suits.

Ah that wont work for us (dont apologies, youre not sorry), How aviator X time? Does that work?

If she has a strop just be the parent in the conversation and say "now now, no need for that, of course its not XYZ, do you want to meet at X time or what? Got to go, baby needs a feed"

she throws a strop and falls out with us

This is ideal. Aim for it. Tantrumming does not get rewarded, tell her that's fine and when she is out of her big feelings she can apologise and you will consider allowing her to visit your child.
It's good practice for when your kid is throwing a tantrum to get their own way.

It's OK to say no to her, OP, you just need to practise saying "no" and "not now" and she needs to practise accepting it. The most important thing is what works for you and your baby. Just wait her out if she strops. She'll be back.

To add, your mother sounds entitled and controlling, using poor behaviour and punishment to get you to do what she wants.
This isn't acceptable behaviour, have a look on the Stately Homes thread in Relationships about how to deal with people like this.

Thanks for your replies. It's not that I'm a total pushover, I do often push back and say no, offer alternatives, it's just never acceptable to her and I get guilt tripped every time. I find myself compromising to save myself the drama and the upset.

But as many have rightly said, our little family should be what comes first, and as a mum myself now I know I'd never behave like that with my DD, so I shouldn't accept it for myself.

Let her expect it.
Then just do what you want.

"No baby is napping now I won't wake her."

You "You need to leave now I am putting the baby down"
DM "But! Blah blah blah"
You "Sorry you should have come earlier or asked what my plans were. See you!"

"I don't know why you are behaving like this. All you have to call ahead and turn up when we agree. it's no hard"

Say no, then ignore her. View it as practice for when your DD starts having tantrums.

It's not fair on your baby. Enough reason to say no. Be less accommodating if your mother persists.

Stop trying to avoid the to-do. Have the to-do, don't budge, don't let her see it annoys you, and when she's learnt it doesn't work, she'll knock it off. (Same deal with your DD, when she's a bit bigger). If tantrum-throwers see that it gets them their way, they keep doing it - why wouldn't they? Don't reward crap behaviour.

Do not mess with the nap!

It’s so important for the child’s sleep but also golden for the mum. 2 hours of peace to have a sit, eat, do some jobs, prep for dinner. You need to tell your mother why it’s so important.

Let her sulk. She either fits in with when it's convenient for you or she doesn't get to see her grandchild. Is she abusive when she tries to guilt trip you? If so, mute her until she's ready to behave.

No, not abusive. Just tries to make me feel bad, like I don't care about her and am purposely trying to be cruel to her.

But isn't she cruel messing with the schedule that you've decided is best for dc?

If she comes and baby is napping she does not get to wake him up and play.
She can watch tv and wait for him to finish his nap.

It’s manipulative.

Let her strop, and bleat. Just let it go in one ear and out the other. I’d be telling her to grow up and stop being such a princess, and that I have neither the time or patience for her petulance, but I appreciate you may need to work up to that kind of conversation!

You don’t owe your mother anything op. Your baby, your terms.

Can you chat to her on a good day, rather than when you are being door stepped?

How am I?. I'm so tired. DD isn't sleeping well at the moment. Can I beg a favour? When you are popping in this week, can you check with me first. If we've been up all night, we might need to find another time, if she's cranky.

If it works, great extend it to a 2nd week, then another.

If it doesn't work, then try the tough approach.

You're an adult. You have your own child now. Sorry, your mom can't act like entitled spoiled baby brat.
Yes of course she loves her granddaughter and yes of course she wants to see her, fantastic.
But expecting you and your husband to drop absolutely any plans that you have in your busy life, at a moment's notice so that she can come whenever she says she's going to come, and if you don't allow it then she makes you feel guilty, hey, that's not right.
It's not right.
Would you do this to a friend?
Would you do this to a family member?
If anyone else but your mother did this to you, would you accept it?
Or would you find a way to set some boundaries for yourself, your child, your partner, and your life?
Boundaries are not mean, they are necessary.