How do I cope with my daughter’s constant screaming?

[fallensnowman]

Dd 9 self regulates by screaming at the top of her voice, sometimes it’s short bursts like a seagull sound but it’s so incredibly loud it hurts all our ears, other times during melt down it will be a more constant scream like someone blowing a whistle at a volume you couldn’t imagine.
Goodness knows what the neighbours think.
I have 2 other children who cry when she screams as it hurts their ears and it’s so frequent.
The short screams are every 5-10 minutes and the big meltdown screams are several times every day.
I also have sensory processing issues and the noise is just driving me crazy.
I am so miserable and it’s relentless, It gives me headaches every single day and I am finding it intolerable, our ears actually hurt and my watch keeps warning me of the high decibels.
I don’t know how to live with it.

I’ve read about identifying triggers but she is triggered by everything, she gets overwhelmed getting dressed so I have to help her, she gets overwhelmed eating dinner so I have to feed her, she gets overwhelmed if she is asked to do anything such as put her rubbish in the bin all these will cause meltdown. She can’t put her pyjamas on without getting overwhelmed and screaming, she can’t cope if she’s not first to get in the car, she’ll scream if she’s excited, scream if she’s angry, scream if she’s concentrating or just scream because she wants to scream.
She is on the waiting list for Autism and ADHD.

Loop earplugs

I’m sorry OP this sounds so hard to deal with. I don’t have any general advice I’m afraid but regarding the screaming look into loop earplugs. They are an absolute game changer and will take the edge off for you, it might also be worth looking into getting your daughter some too if she struggles with noises

I’d pick your battles for now. You’ve identified some triggers so that’s good. It’s a really over stimulating time of year at home and school.
So for example if you know being asked to put rubbish in the bin makes her scream don’t ask/ tell atm
Try looking at PDA strategies to give her back some control or make things fun e.g. would you like to brush your teeth first or brush your hair?
I bet you can’t pick up 3 things for the bin before I pick up 3.
Look at sensory friendly clothing and SPD/ strategies. I’d get a referrral to an OT for a sensory assessment ( not all are qualified)
Does she scream like this at school? Can school staff write a social story or suggest something to redirect e.g. punching a bean bag, counting in her head, clenching and unclenching fists etc.
Sounds really difficult. Good luck.

thank you she has child ear defenders that the school provide her and she brings home each day so wears them if we’re out and it’s noisy.
I’ve just looked up loop earplugs and managed to order some on eBay (new) for under £3 so thanks for the suggestion, I’d never heard of them.

The school are supportive but she masks it all and they were quite surprised when I had a meeting with the sendco at quite how she was at home and said she masks so well.
They have written a supporting letter for the gp based on what we’ve said and some observations they made themselves so she was referred for assessment and some adaptation at school which was promised for September but they are very busy and we’re still waiting for those provisions.

Ear defenders. Mine was a screamer. Came out screaming and didn't stop for years. Same sort of thing you're describing.

He did stop though. So there's hope but I really would get some decent ear defense for all of you.

If she behaves well at school, it means she needs a time-out and some consequences for such behaviour at home.

Buy the rest of the family ear defenders. Is she verbal and can she understand? If so, she can learn to find other ways of self regulating.

Maybe try some different sensory activities she can do instead of the screeching. Or maybe the rest of you need to do the same, so she can understand why she needs to find other ways of managing it.

My autistic daughter found ways to stim quietly so that she didnt upset others around her.

Ah love I relate so hard to this. Daughter is auDHD and I too got diagnosed this year myself. DDs (8) baby noises and screams CUT through me and I find myself screaming back at her and becoming incredibly stressed. Loop earplugs have been really helpful

Do you have any understanding of autism? It's pretty common for autistic girls to mask during the day at school and then have trouble regulating after the long day when they get home after.

You can do into detective mode and try to figure out how to support her to not do this. But in the meantime I highly recommend loops for you and ear defenders for your other kids. Needs must.

My niece was like this, but not to the same extent. She doesn't have ADHD or ASD. She said she shouldn't help it. One day when she was 8 it just stopped.

No it doesn't necessarily. As the child is awaiting assessment, it's more likely that she is masking at school and is exhausted and overwhelmed when she gets home. It's very common with Neurodivergent children and can be extremely challenging to deal with, mainly because it is only 'safe' people who get to witness her distress.

Would she scream into something like a pillow, can you find something that gives her a good sensory feedback that helps her regulate, a bean bag to hit, a yoga ball to bounce on, something to squeeze hard, a weighted blanket to hide under, a hammock swing, could you explore stuff with her when she’s calm and try and reroute the screaming. My DS used to scream when he had meltdowns but not at other times, and I remember screaming back in response, far from my finest hour, so I feel your desperation. Hopefully the loops work. I’d also suggest if she has to scream she goes to her room. Perhaps explain this when everything is relaxed and explain why you will ask her to go her room, you understand she can’t help it, but it distresses everyone else, so she can go somewhere safe and scream and then her siblings won’t be as distressed. It’s worth a shot!
Once DS was older I explained, when. He was having a meltdown that I would not be in the same space but would give him cuddles if he needed them or would be in the next room if he wanted me. Because my presence didn’t help, it was the best way for me to stay calm and cope with it.

Read up about masking and autism 🙄

You need to order your other children ear protection too
I'd go back to the Gp having kept a diary for at least 7 days of every single incident or upset , everytime she is overwhelmed, the behaviour, the impact on the rest of the household emotionally and physically and don't underplay it to see if that can be added to the referral to make it more urgent

that sounds horrific op. i couldn’t deal with that.

could you sound proof one room and thats the only one shes allowed to scream in? maybe build her a den inside it to rest in or have her batter a pillow or cushion or something.

her welfare is important but an incidence of loud noise can damage a child’s ears permanently. so the other children’s welfare needs considered too. it’s not just about what she needs.

id defo want help from the gp. As she becomes stressed that much surely there must be a medication that would help her be the happy child she wants to be instead of the bag of nerves.

She has a massive squish mallow to punch when she’s angry but it doesn’t help with the screaming and the other screaming is just a vocal stim that she does all the time but it’s so loud I don’t know how she’s capable of producing such a loud sound.
She needs help desperately but she’s still on the waiting list.
I just wish I knew what I could do or had someone to talk about it to, nobody comes to our house anymore, even friends just can’t listen to it.
I do put the children first but our mental health is at breaking point and we just push through and it’s exhausting. I am a very calm person by nature but I’m very sensitive to noise and can’t think through the sound.
As soon as she goes to bed I go to bed because I’m emotionally done in.

I work with families with autism across several counties in England, and diagnosis does not open any extra doors for support by the local authority or by school in any of the counties I work in, so is possibly/probably the same for you. I appreciate that you have latched on to the idea of diagnosis as the light at the end of the tunnel in a desperate situation, but it in all likelihood it won’t make any difference. Shout as loud as you can now at your GP, your children’s school(s), any local authority support, ask for social care assessment etc. They should be able to offer the same support to you and your family now as they will once she is diagnosed. It sounds so, so difficult for you all but there definitely should be support there now if you ask for it.

Theres a child a whole street away who while having a meltdown we can hear in our house have no idea how the neighbours cope id of moved tbh and I feel for your other kids they must be absolutely miserable dont be surprised if they leg it out the door and never look back the second they're able . Can you contact social services for respite a couple of times a month ?
I really feel for you all it would drive me absolutely nuts i can't handle loud noises or screaming at all without my brain feeling like its melting .

As above you can still access services when without a diagnosis. Contact children's services for an OT and possibly social assessment. I wondered if a room could be soundproofed, the OT may be able to get a DFG grant for this or other adaptations at home if they feel it would help.

On the social work side, they may be able to support with respite breaks. They may also be able to help with someone coming into the home to support your daughter at certain times of day, I wonder if someone coming each morning to fully support morning routine and possibly seperate school run might reduce your load but also offer your DD some reassurance 121. If it doesn't stop or reduce vocal skimming having someone in the home a few evenings a week who can safely support dd could enable you to spend quiet time out of the house with your other children, dinner with other family just enjoying a low key activity.

The only thing is with assessments, it often is trial and error, until the solution is found, so good to get the ball rolling now.

Definitely in the meantime ear defenders for your other children.

Are the only quiet times in the house during school hours and when sleeping? Is there anything else you can think of that has a calming effect for brief periods, from choices, to fabrics / clothes / comforters to activities?

There’s a lot of sensory redirection options which you could try if it’s the “release” sensation she gets from the screaming. I don’t have a screamer but my friend does and has had some success with weighted stuff - so her DD comes in from school and goes for a rest under a weighted blanket. She can do this either with some (gentle) TV - this is important as obviously cartoons and anything bright, fast cuts, is just going to stimulate further. Nature documentaries are great. Or sometimes her DD chooses to go in her den which is a tent in her room, dark with some nice twinkly lights. Basically she needs time after school to calm down.

Other things to try could be wall pushes, trampoline outside (don’t worry about weather if she’s not bothered), stretchy wrap. How’s her level of understanding, does she know she’s doing it and have any insight into how it makes her feel? I don’t know if you can get any time for yourself but I highly recommend some yoga nidra or sound bath to help your nervous system regulate and make it a bit easier to cope.

I think there’s a middle ground between ‘she’s masking, can’t help it’ and ‘come down on her like a ton of bricks’. This is a 9 year old who attends a mainstream school. I genuinely believe that she can feed herself/ get dressed/ put her rubbish away without screaming. If she has been offered an alternative to screaming and continues to scream, then you do need to think about boundaries/ consequences for the choice she is making to scream.

Also is she wearing the ear defenders when she screams? There are some recommendations that ear defenders are only used as part of a desensitisation programme.

At my school there is a class where 8 of them have a diagnosis of autism or ADHD or both. It really is very common now. We make individual adaptations for them, but we still have high expectations of their behaviour.

You don’t need to live with the screaming.