How do I cope with my daughter’s constant screaming?

[fallensnowman]

Dd 9 self regulates by screaming at the top of her voice, sometimes it’s short bursts like a seagull sound but it’s so incredibly loud it hurts all our ears, other times during melt down it will be a more constant scream like someone blowing a whistle at a volume you couldn’t imagine.
Goodness knows what the neighbours think.
I have 2 other children who cry when she screams as it hurts their ears and it’s so frequent.
The short screams are every 5-10 minutes and the big meltdown screams are several times every day.
I also have sensory processing issues and the noise is just driving me crazy.
I am so miserable and it’s relentless, It gives me headaches every single day and I am finding it intolerable, our ears actually hurt and my watch keeps warning me of the high decibels.
I don’t know how to live with it.

I think seeking out a good OT might help, they may be able to help redirect the stimming behaviour, also they won’t have the same mental overwhelm that you’ve got going on. Plus it’s a safe space for your daughter that isn’t home. We accessed one before we ever had a diagnosis and they were great for figuring out coping mechanisms. If you're in Sussex I can recommend one.

This sounds so difficult, sending much love ❤️
I'd say to begin with, do whatever you need to survive- I'd probably start with eardefenders/loops for the rest of the family while you're trying to get to the bottom of it.
Maybe try a little pillow for her to scream into? Might be tricky with it sounding like it's an impulsive action, but potentially could work 🤞
It's amazing that you're looking at triggers, try to look at little deeper- the example you used about PJs, what about putting her PJs on is it that's triggering? Is it the PJs themselves, maybe doesn't like the fabric or seams? Is it the getting changed and feeling cold while being unclothed? Is it she's struggling with the transition of stopping the current task and moving on to new task of getting changed? Is it executive dysfunction and the "doing" part feels impossible to her? All four examples there have very different solutions
It's so Important to identify the "why" of a trigger, otherwise trying alternatives can be such hard work.
I'm far from an expert, but I am a parent in a household that's full of Autistic and ADHD people 😂 so might have some experience that could help, if you wanted to ask any questions ❤️

Can't do these things or won't?

She needs to see an OT and/or a play therapist who could provide her with options of other ways to self regulate, this is not sustainable and damaging to family life. Or limits need to be set on it if possible, eg have five mins to scream in your room but then that’s it and get on with whatever, and only in one room not the rooms others are in etc. I say this as someone with a screamer. So far OT and play therapy haven’t really helped ours except for discovering that kicking a football back and forth to someone acts as an even better regulator for our dc, between that and the limits on screaming/doing it in a part of the house that isn’t in our faces have helped a good bit. There is no way we could live with dc constantly screaming.

Can you be sure this is self regulating behaviour? My daughter also screams like this in phases and for her it's a verbal tic. I really feel for you because I know how hard it is to live like this. From what you've described, I would put money on your DD having autism with PDA traits. Again, first hand experience here! I really hope you get the support you need ❤️

Hi OP, I have 2 autistic girls so I totally get where you are coming from. I'd echo alot of the suggestions made already (not the ignorant ones obvs!), and I'd make another suggestion based on the experience of my family... finding the sensory function of a stim which is challenging and introducing an activity which meets that sensory need has helps us. Insisting they cease the difficult behaviour has never worked and has only made matters worse for us, but making sure their sensory needs are met makes for a happier child and a reduction in the difficult to live with stim. Trying out different sensory aids and activities which feed their system (yoga ball, trampolines, sensory tray, dancing, yoga, swing chair, running) has also been helpful. I would have liked to get an OT involved but couldn't get my girls to engage so we've just had to wing it by trying different things and it's helped massively. Singing lessons (very rare one offs with an amazing but very expensive teacher) helped my eldest by engaging in a specialist interest so she could connect with the breathing exercises she needed for anxiety reduction, and this also reduced her vocal stims. Good luck x

I learned to scream into a pillow when I was a child rather than hurt myself and I taught my daughter to release her tension in the same way (as she started hitting herself).

Is it an option? If she’s young, maybe a baby blanket with holes.so she can breathe but may still help mute the sound a little.

I am sensitive to noise, even being in a pub or someone talking to me too loudly. I have tried a few different ear plugs and loop and flare audio are designed to take the edge off while still hearing what's going on around you. I find flare more comfortable to wear, and loop has settings to maximise effectiveness.

Hi OP, this sounds awfully tough on you all. Could you try something like a vocal muffler for her stims? (I recognise this will most probably not be an option during a meltdown). Like others have said, might be worth finding what sensory need is being met by the screaming and see if you can encourage her to replace it with something else?

I feel for you and can relate a lot! I have two kids with tourette's and both of them had/have screeching tics. The volume and pitch is incredibly difficult to deal with. These were the things that helped at least somewhat for us

• sucking/chewing ice cubes/ice poles during screech attacks (this refocusses the brain to a different sensation and can interrupt an attack)
• generally eating a crunchy snack (we found cereal hoops or very small cut carrots useful for this).
• recording the shrieking and then listening to it through headphones sometimes reduced the need to create this sound (part of the need for this tic was the sensation in the ears and that could be satisfied this way)
• Melatonin for the evening. Without it my son would get into tic attacks as he wasn't falling asleep quickly enough to prevent anxiety building. With Melatonin he is asleep within 15min. Something to think about once a paediatrician is involved.

I know a tic is somewhat different to a stim, but maybe some of these are still helpful for your daughter!

I’d say it’s the actual act of doing it rather than anything about it, so the demand of having to put her school uniform on becomes too much so she screams until I do it or eating a meal is too demanding so she won’t eat it unless she’s fed.
She says she’s too tired after school to get changed and eat dinner when she just wants to relax in the bath and have a lay on the sofa.
She won’t do any reading or homework because she will cry and say she’s too tired.
She asks to go to bed when it’s about 6:30-7 because she knows she’s tired out so I take her up and she’s asleep in seconds until I wake her for school.
She will absolutely refuse any task from picking her clothes off the floor to closing the car door behind her, she just finds it all too demanding and gets wound up.
She is hyper active all day though.
It’s also not just a case of not doing it for her because she will literally not get dressed unless I come up and help her so we’ll never get to school and if I don’t help her eat she will just get down and say she doesn’t want it, she really would rather go without than eat it herself.
She brings most of her lunch home again because it’s too much for her to manage by that I don’t mean too much food but too much to do it herself.
She really isn’t lazy, she charges around all day but she just can’t cope with the demands of tasks.

I always assumed because she doesn’t do it school then it was self regulation, she admits she does it because it feels good but I haven’t had a professional opinion yet so I can only go by what I’ve read.
She also opens her mouth every few minutes really wide which she feels a compulsion to do.

Sounds a lot like she's at autistic burnout tbh! This will probably sound like the worst parenting advice (if you go by the "normal" methods, and there will be a few "experts" reading this, rolling their eyes) but, for the time being at least, you'd be best lowering as many demands as possible. That looks like absolutely anything that gives her something less to think about- time to get changed? Don't ask her to do, just help her straight off. Meal times? Cut her food up and help her eat. Packed lunch? Can you pack a sandwich that's cut into bite sized pieces? (If it being cut wouldn't upset her, or get her teased). Too tired for homework? Don't even ask her to do it, have a conversation with her teacher (followed up on email/school app so you've got evidence) telling them that at the moment, she's in a state of constant overwhelm and exhaustion, and you will not be adding to it by pressuring her to do homework.
It could honestly take months before you see any change, but all these small things will make a huge difference in the long run. Once she starts to recover, you can start introducing more independence as and when she can handle things.
It'll also benefit you, because there will be less blow ups. Yes, doing everything for your child is exhausting, but the battles to try and get her to do something that is currently not within her capacity, is even more draining.
When she gets home from school, she might need an hour to decompress and recover some energy. Masking all day takes a huge toll, on mental and physical energy, so she'll need something she enjoys to help herself regulate.
I'm currently here with my 6yo son, and get a lot of raised eyebrows when I refuse to do things the "normal" way. Believe me I tried, and it nearly put me in an early grave from the amount of stress I was under

Have you spoken to GP about how tired she is? Also wondering if she's had any blood tests to see if there's anything going on there?
It could just be how she is, but there could also be something else

My DS was like this when he was younger. Like hell was I putting up with that shit.
The more he screamed, the less I did. He soon bloody learned. I’m a stubborn cow though and would never ever ever give in to screaming.

I used to carry my son upstairs kicking and screaming and put him in his bedroom and make him stay there until he calmed down.

He still gets a bit like it when he’s nervous about something. He started kicking off before his first comprehensive school Xmas concert last week, he refused to go. Not a chance was he letting the rest of the kids down. I told him he either gets in the car or I’ll carry him to the car myself and a few other threats of consequences. He soon shifted, got there and thoroughly enjoyed himself.

When he was in year 2, we were in discussions with the school about going down the route to look into ASD diagnosis. We decided not to bother as it wasn’t an issue at school, just at home. We just clamped down big time, consequences every single time. It’s very rare now to be fair and he’s 12.

Please don’t answer threads like this if you have no understanding of the SEN being discussed. She’s been masking - so it’s needs to be let out.

This is so right and @Poddy86 's advice is spot on. Take as much pressure of DD as you can.

Op i hear ya. That screaming. I swear its heart stopping. I now cant relax as im waiting for the sudden scream. Its like being in a horror film where you are waiting for the bogey man to jump out.
A diagnosis won't change what she does, id recommend the loop ear plugs for you. Good luck

@Looloolullabelledon’t you understand that you are potentially damaging your son??

I would recommend getting a sensory OT to assess her and provide support on the best way to meet her needs. They will be able to look at why she needs to scream and what alternatives there are that she can do instead.