Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Possible proposal.. am I mad to say yes?

46 replies

ohgoodiee · 12/12/2025 11:52

So this is a slightly complex one - bear with me.

I’ve been going through the divorce process with my awful, abusive ex husband (of 22 years) for the past 4 years. It has been a truly horrible, dragged out process due to many episodes of ill-health and a lot of lying, manipulation and financial lies from his side. During our relationship, he beat me black and blue many times, broke my arm, my nose, I’ve had three surgeries and countless therapy sessions due to his abuse.

we are FINALLY around a month away from the divorce being finalised and everything being completed - thank goodness.

Around 3 years ago I met my new partner. He is EVERYTHING I could have ever, ever wished for. Kind, caring, loyal, loving, and I absolutely adore him and truly do count my lucky stars every day for him having come into my life, after such an awful relationship before.

Anyway - onto the main question.

My partner and I are traveling for Christmas this year, and a couple of times over the past few weeks, my sister has been giving some hints which have lead me to believe that there is a potential proposal on the cards.

My partner knows my situation r/e the divorce, I have been absolutely honest and transparent about everything - timelines, what’s happening when etc. He knows I adore him and I do truly feel he’s my happy ending.

I would absolutely say yes to his proposal in a heartbeat, but I am worried about how it may come across to others. I’ve always been a worrier, and often think people think the worst of me and judge my situation.

I have been through so much in my life and I really
just want some happiness. I feel like perhaps I deserve that now.

Should this proposal happen (I could be getting the complete wrong end of the stick!!) do you think I’d be crazy to say yes, given TECHNICALLY I am still ‘married’?

For context, my ex husband has a partner now and they have recently had two baby twins together. He’s fully moved on, just enjoying controlling me until the last step.

Thank you all. Sorry for my ramble!

OP posts:
Aposterhasnoname · 12/12/2025 11:53

Who cares what anyone else thinks, none of their business. Say yes

Egglio · 12/12/2025 11:54

No, you're not mad, you want to get married. You don't need permission to be happy and if your DP makes you happy, then go for it.

ComfortFoodCafe · 12/12/2025 11:57

You only live once op, do what makes you happy.

Brenda34 · 12/12/2025 11:58

The only people whose opinions are really worth considering are yours, your partner's and those of any children that either of you have.

W0tnow · 12/12/2025 11:58

If you were my friend I’d be so happy for you!

SPLOOSHY · 12/12/2025 11:59

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - What do you think?

Clearly you are very happy and want to spend the rest of your life with the new partner. Do you think it would be beneficial to spend a year (or whatever length of time) officially "single"? Would there be a benefit to that? Or would there be a benefit in getting engaged quickly?

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/12/2025 11:59

Take hold of that joy and say yes. You deserve all the love.

BeMintFatball · 12/12/2025 12:00

Engagement has no legal weight anymore and hasn’t for decades. It’s just an agreement to marry at some point in the future and being gifted a nice ring (optional).

If you want to say yes then do it.

SparkleSpriteDust · 12/12/2025 12:00

How lovely, go for it, OP! Be happy!

In the words of Dr Seuss:

'Those Who Mind Don’t Matter and Those Who Matter Don’t Mind'

Tillow4ever · 12/12/2025 12:01

You aren’t mad - but if he does propose I would keep it quiet until the divorce is through. Not because there’s anything wrong (many people only get a divorce when they are ready to remarry I’m sure) but because your ex might do something to jeopardise it all if he catches wind!

I hope you get your happy ever after - you deserve it after what you put up with!

Lindy2 · 12/12/2025 12:04

No one else's business but yours.

I can't think why anyone wouldn't be happy for you though but if you prefer to keep your news private then keep it private.

It's time to put yourself first now though. Your ex and other people's opinions don't really matter.

ohgoodiee · 12/12/2025 12:06

Thank you all. Sorry I should have been clearer / clarified better. My Ex husband and I split up officially 5.5 years ago, there was a 1.5 year period where he continuously blindsided me, kept telling me he was starting the divorce, he was sick, he had cash flow issues etc etc and it meant we didn’t start the divorce until 4 years ago.

I applied for it when I realised he was not being proactive.

I met my partner 3 years ago - so I had a while on my own to really figure out who I am and what I’m looking for going forward.

I just fear people’s questions and thoughts / judgement if I am to get engaged again, especially whilst in the divorce process.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 12/12/2025 12:08

Who cares? It’s very obvious that you have both moved on - I mean your ex has had 2 babies in the interim! It’s not about how it appears to anyone else anyway. It’s about how it makes you feel. And importantly, how it would make your partner feel as a thoughtful, kind person who wants to do something nice for you. It wouldn’t be very kind to say no just because of what some random might think, when your partner’s feelings (and yours!) are the ones that really matter. You are allowed to be happy.

Starocean · 12/12/2025 12:24

If other people's judgment is your only concern, I would say absolutely do it. Who cares what other people think. You won't be "technically still married" for long. That relationship is long over anyway.

I'm actually really happy for you that after such a horrible experience you can move onto this wonderfully positive thing.

Catza · 12/12/2025 12:27

Who are these people you are worried about and why do you feel their judgement or lack thereof should dictate how you live your life? In my experience, nobody has ever died from someone else's opinion of them. Your life is for you.

We are not really ever afraid of what others think. We are afraid of what WE think others think. Therefore it's what YOU think about the proposal that bothers you and you project it onto mysterious "others". Find out why and your worries will either disappear or maybe you will discover a legitimate reason why you think this marriage is not a good idea.

awrbc81 · 12/12/2025 12:28

If you want to marry him say yes! I doubt anyone would begrudge you finding some happiness after what you went through with your ex

Owly11 · 12/12/2025 12:29

Do you really want to go through a divorce again? Why the rush? Personally i would say 'no for now'. You can do it later on when you are thoroughly settled with your new partner and the past is well and truly behind you. Your happy ever after doesn't need to include marriage - it doesn't bring anything to the relationship other than the legal bind. I would really ask yourself why you want to get married in particular.

Owly11 · 12/12/2025 12:30

And btw you might be projecting your own doubts onto others.

TutTutTutSigh · 12/12/2025 12:30

Go for it, but do not let your ex find out until everything is signed and sealed!!

MadTurkey · 12/12/2025 12:31

Owly11 · 12/12/2025 12:29

Do you really want to go through a divorce again? Why the rush? Personally i would say 'no for now'. You can do it later on when you are thoroughly settled with your new partner and the past is well and truly behind you. Your happy ever after doesn't need to include marriage - it doesn't bring anything to the relationship other than the legal bind. I would really ask yourself why you want to get married in particular.

That would be my own response, but I am a longtime marriage refusenik, but if the OP, having suffered through her divorce, is still up for remarrying, that’s her call.

ohgoodiee · 12/12/2025 12:34

I got married extremely young and at the time had no idea what my ex was going to turn into. I’d have never ever married him had I known.

I truly don’t believe that my relationship with my partner now would go the same way. I understand that you never really know. I guess I’m hoping this is my shot at happiness.

OP posts:
RunningJo · 12/12/2025 12:37

Tillow4ever · 12/12/2025 12:01

You aren’t mad - but if he does propose I would keep it quiet until the divorce is through. Not because there’s anything wrong (many people only get a divorce when they are ready to remarry I’m sure) but because your ex might do something to jeopardise it all if he catches wind!

I hope you get your happy ever after - you deserve it after what you put up with!

Exactly what I was going to suggest, you don’t want him annoyed at your happiness and jeopardise the final stages of your divorce.
Congrats OP, you deserve happiness and I’m glad you found it!.

Eyeshadow · 12/12/2025 12:40

Are you planning to have kids together?
Are you religious/ don’t believe in sex before marriage?

I am confused why you would want to get married again - why not just be in a relationship?

I am wondering if can’t live together until you’re married or something, else why would you be considering it.

I wouldn’t care what people thought about it and I’d do what I want.
But you’ve had 1 failed marriage and a very messy divorce - I thought you’d be the last person to want to ever get married again!!

What are your reasons for wanting to be married that you can’t achieve just living together?

TeenToTwenties · 12/12/2025 12:42

RunningJo · 12/12/2025 12:37

Exactly what I was going to suggest, you don’t want him annoyed at your happiness and jeopardise the final stages of your divorce.
Congrats OP, you deserve happiness and I’m glad you found it!.

I agree with this. Don't rock the boat with your ex until he really is ex.

ohgoodiee · 12/12/2025 12:43

@EyeshadowI completely understand your questions. No, nothing religious involved.

Since being a little girl I’ve always wanted to be married and have a stable, happy relationship to raise children into. I don’t have children yet but when I do, I’d like to be married. Just preference.

I didn’t want the horrible relationship I’ve had, or the divorce, to define me and put me off of having a happier, healthier marriage in the future.

My partner has never been married and it’s something he would like for his future, too.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread