Possible proposal.. am I mad to say yes?

[ohgoodiee]

So this is a slightly complex one - bear with me.

I’ve been going through the divorce process with my awful, abusive ex husband (of 22 years) for the past 4 years. It has been a truly horrible, dragged out process due to many episodes of ill-health and a lot of lying, manipulation and financial lies from his side. During our relationship, he beat me black and blue many times, broke my arm, my nose, I’ve had three surgeries and countless therapy sessions due to his abuse.

we are FINALLY around a month away from the divorce being finalised and everything being completed - thank goodness.

Around 3 years ago I met my new partner. He is EVERYTHING I could have ever, ever wished for. Kind, caring, loyal, loving, and I absolutely adore him and truly do count my lucky stars every day for him having come into my life, after such an awful relationship before.

Anyway - onto the main question.

My partner and I are traveling for Christmas this year, and a couple of times over the past few weeks, my sister has been giving some hints which have lead me to believe that there is a potential proposal on the cards.

My partner knows my situation r/e the divorce, I have been absolutely honest and transparent about everything - timelines, what’s happening when etc. He knows I adore him and I do truly feel he’s my happy ending.

I would absolutely say yes to his proposal in a heartbeat, but I am worried about how it may come across to others. I’ve always been a worrier, and often think people think the worst of me and judge my situation.

I have been through so much in my life and I really
just want some happiness. I feel like perhaps I deserve that now.

Should this proposal happen (I could be getting the complete wrong end of the stick!!) do you think I’d be crazy to say yes, given TECHNICALLY I am still ‘married’?

For context, my ex husband has a partner now and they have recently had two baby twins together. He’s fully moved on, just enjoying controlling me until the last step.

Thank you all. Sorry for my ramble!

No one can see into the future, you could have decades of happily wedded bliss in front of you.
If he proposes, accept, everyone who cares for you will be happy you have found true happiness at last.

Of course no one will judge you. You haven’t been with your ex for over 5 years. The fact that it’s taking so long to sort out the legal formalities of divorce is neither here nor there. If you postpone this or say no, that would in effect be a further way of letting your ex abuse you, but kicking up your future happiness. Don’t let that happen!

You absolutely are not being unreasonable getting engaged 4 years after the ending of your previous relationship and 3 years into your new one. The (horrific) abuse you endured is irrelevant to this proposal.

I guess the only thing I’d wonder, is whether marrying the next boyfriend without having either lots of time or other relationships between relationships is wise. But you’ve been together 3 years and hopefully that’s a good sign that he’s not abusive or controlling. Sometimes being in a controlling relationship can be an indicator that you’re susceptible to them; either your attitude towards men (settling for bad behaviour, low standards, inability to see and act on red flags for example), or them taking advantage of your vulnerability after such a hard relationship which lowers your esteem and knowledge of what a healthy relationship looks like).

Either way, from what you’ve said, you sound happy so I think you should go for it. Don’t worry about other people, unless they have genuine concerns for your safety.

I also feel so sorry for his new partner and innocent babies. They won’t be immune from the abuse, he’ll likely be doing it to her (and potentially the babies) too, if not already ☹️

If you have no children, there is no reason not to keep moving forward with your life while you work out the legal issues.

That’s fair enough.
And I think if you’re planning to start a family it’s financially sensible to get married.

I say go for it!!
And keep us updated 😁😁

If you're happy with him and want to marry him, say yes. What other people think is the most irrelevant thing of all irrelevant things.

Yes I feel so sorry for his new partner and children, too. We are on a no-contact basis so I just hear of the odd update from others.

I really hope he’s changed his ways and is looking after her, and the children how they deserve to be - but I do often find myself wondering.

Thank you all for the lovely comments. I think I struggle sometimes to allow nice and happy things to happen to me after everything that’s happened. X

Well three years together is not a short time. Do it if asked and it feels right.

I think you should do what YOU want.
You've been separated for a longish time.

Personally though, I'd wait, telling DP to wait until the divorce is signed off. But that's cos I'd want to finish one thing in my head before the next. I'd want to enjoy the clear future ahead. But that's just me being a pain in the neck.

That was my thought too. I hope her and the babies are okay.

@ohgoodiee Go for it! I hope you have a lovely happy life with your new partner (potentially fiancé/husband.).😊

Totally agree. Wait til your divorce comes through to ensure there is no reason for it not to go through.

OP you of all people deserve your happy ever after. Don't worry about what anyone thinks. You can say yes and don't have to go fully public on it until the right time if you think it could jeopardise your divorce. I wish you all the happiness.

Congratulations on being free of wanker-face, finding yourself, finding a new partner who you love and trust.
Go for it if that's what you want. But don't let your ex find out until your divorce is signed, sealed and delivered.

If its what you want then sod what others think!

It’s your life live it however the F you want. Grab happiness when you can and as long as you’re not hurting anyone do what the hell you want.

I think since there are no kids involved it's fine to get re-married whenever you want. Unless, you have got a great deal of money post divorce and your new partner is struggeling financially, in that case I would say you look after yourself first and don't get married just yet.

I imagine everyone will be absolutely thrilled for you, OP, rather than being negative or judgemental! They will be delighted to know you have such a wonderful husband to be, especially after all you’ve been through. I really can’t understand why any person would not think that way.

When he proposes, say yes. We have to grab every second of happiness and treasure it. Wishing you every happiness. X

Lots of folk on here will be aghast that you even started a relationship whilst being legally married to someone else (I did, my divorce dragged on for nearly 4 years and 3 court appearances). They will be the sort to judge op.

Anyone that loves and supports you will know how shitty you've had it and will be thrilled with your news. Anyone who isn't can go clutch their pearls in a corner somewhere and you know who not to invite to the wedding.

Allow yourself to be loved xxx

I can’t imagine people who like you will think badly of accepting the proposal. People who care about you are likely to be happy for you. That only leaves people who don’t matter.

Good luck for the final leg of your divorce and best wishes for the future

Fuck anyone who thinks badly of you.

You deserve happiness.

It's a shame your ex isn't behind bars, what a scumbag.