Proposal at the wrong time

[ThisTaupeFinch]

I'm pretty sure my partner of 6 years is going to propose this Christmas and although this is something that I do what, the timing is way off for me.

I'm not the type who has ever dreamt of getting married, but similarly I know it is something I want, to be a happy family unit. The problem is we are not happy right now.

Relationships are peaks and troughs, and right now we are in a trough. We have a 2.5 year old who hasn't slept well in months, and a 1.5 year old who is a rocket and just plain hard work. They are much loved but my god has it taken a toll on our relationship. My partner works brutal shifts, I work full time condensed hours. We don't have time to ourselves, and we don't have any couple time. Bickering, exhaustion, and poor communication because we are so tired is common. Throw in a full house renovation to the mix and it's just a very stressy time all round.

We aren't unusual here, this is the reality of family life. It is also the reality of relationships that this is a hard phase and in my view it is completely normal to not be at your best right now. Although we are In a low patch it will get better and I know we will continue to choose eachother.

I'm at fault here too. I had told him that I wanted to get married before I was 40. That puts the pressure on, but since we have been in this rough patch I literally haven't mentioned anything about it in months.

AIBU for not wanting to get engaged when we are in such a low right now? I want it to be a happy moment, and not something that is done out of a time frame obligation. How do I approach it subtly so not to take the wind from his sails?

You're making far too much of it. If you know you want to get married and despite your relationship not being great you are sure it is going to work out then it doesn't matter when that proposal comes.

If you do have doubts about your relationship then yes getting married wouldn't be a good move. But that's a bigger question about the whole relationship. Fixating on the actual proposal allows you to deflect from asking the harder questions about where you are.

I don't understand - you have children together, you've talked about marriage and yet the ball is entirely in his court?

Marriage, especially in your circumstances, should be a discussion and an agreement, not some bizarre, male-led performance. Talk to him - now.

Oh, OP. How about you let go of the idea that proposal, engagement or a wedding day are massively important events in themselves? You wanted to get married, you are certain that the relationship will survive and thrive after this rough patch. Does it really really matter if the proposal is messy, if it comes at a wrong time? Time will never be perfect. It's the relationship that matters not the detail.
I know many many couples where the proposal looked like "shall we get married" whispered while watching Netflix in PJs whose marriage is solid years down the line. And many more couples who had fancy holiday proposals with bells and whistles who went on to either never get to the wedding day or divorcing shortly after.
A proposal is a formality, a wedding is just an expensive party. It's the relationship that counts.

You've been together 6 years, have a house and kids together, and both agree you want to marry each other. Surely that means you're already engaged, just without the faff of a "moment".

However, he's trying to propose on a timeframe of you're choosing, so you created the obligation, and now you don't want him to because of normal family stresses?

You need to make up your mind, do you want a relationship and marriage, or do you want the perfect moment and a proposal. Or maybe he thinks a proposal will improve things.

If he proposes at Christmas, you could look at it that even with two small children, no sleep and a house renovation he (and you) are still sure you will weather the storm.

You’ve got two kids together, a house together that you’re renovating, just talk to him of it isn’t the right time. It also does not need to be some elaborate event at this stage.

What's the point?

You already have children, a house, how would getting married change anything now?

And no, it isn't "the reality of family life", you planned it that way. So, blaming the dynamics of the life you chose to have, is a pretty low bar for excusing bad behaviour. You both need to do better.

He may propose, however, by telling him that you wanted to get married by the time you turn 40, you have actually proposed to him. So there's no point in getting all worked up about something which has already happened.

I would just relax and concentrate on improving your relationship, forget about the second proposal.

Good post from @DappledThings — do you still want to marry this man, despite recent rockiness? Do you still see a future with him? If so, then accept the proposal. @Catza is right — a proposal is unimportant in itself. I think it would be self-defeating to say you don’t want to agree to marry him now, IF you do.

Think about whether this is still a relationship you see as viable.

Why don’t you try and reframe it in your head a bit. I’m never for anyone getting engaged when it’s not right but considering you’ve said your relationship has peaks and troughs then maybe a proposal is what you need to get out of the trough? Maybe it’s not the wrong time but actually the right time 😊

Engaged is not the same as married. It's a commitment if you like, an intention.
I'd say now is actually the perfect time. To show that intention when things are hard and you're in the trenches with little kids. That counts more than romance and rings.
DH and I were engaged a long time! During the many years of our engagement things were often very hard. We were on the brink of splitting more than once but we stayed together.
We've been together now for 23 years and our relationship is happy and strong. Probably much more so than when we got engaged.

And yes, you’re already engaged and committed to one another. A formal proposal thst might have made sense at a different life stage is only the most trifling of technicalities now. Unless you want out, obviously.

Oh my goodness talk about getting in your own way. If you want to marry him, accept the proposal joyfully and worry about the rest later. If you try to subtly put him off you'll taint the whole enterprise forever.

Being married gives you a lot more rights if you split, it makes things more complicated, but you should be better looked after. I'd never have chosen kids outside marriage, you are to all intents and purposes in a long-term relationship, so say yes. Drag the engagement out a bit if you need, but I'd get it done quickly TBH.

Are you happy to walk away with 2 young children, can you afford to support them on your own and pay all housing costs solo? Are you 100% self-reliant financially?
Are you a high earner and do you earn more than him (these are important questions) ?
The time for romantic stuff, proposals and weddings has long gone after having 2 young kids and buying a house together. Get your practical head on OP, just accept his proposal and get married quietly without a song & dance. You love this man, he loves you and you have small children, this is normal life with kids that young, need to apply some common sense here.

Perhaps a bit of reframing is in order? The fact that you can get engaged during the hardest time of life shows that you’re in the trenches TOGETHER

Mention it in terms of acknowledgement that this has been a tough year and just as well a wedding wasn't in the mix as you haven't the head space.
Sounds like he might be trying to do something nice, so take it in that spirit while letting him know gently.

Yes to this.

As it sounds like you don't have any doubts that the relationship will continue, I would consider whether the low is really as low as you think.
Not enthusiastically accepting the proposal you have asked for in the past may severely damage your relationship too.
I'd suggest a heart to heart now to work together to cut out the bickering from now in the run up to Christmas, in order to have a happier time at Christmas. Perhaps you can aim for upping the positive interactions rather than cutting out the stresses. If the balance is 5:1 positive:negative interactions that's supposed to be enough for a good relationship. Also try some code words to break or pause the spirals of conflict.

Although we are In a low patch it will get better and I know we will continue to choose eachother

Re-read that bit of your posts! Sounds like an excellent reason/time to get engaged and then married. You have 2 kids and you agree you want to stay together.

What exactly is putting you off? Hollywood film type engagements where the couple are carefree and brimming over with happiness? That's not real life. Marriage is for better, for worse. It could be a positive sign that he's going to propose now, he wants to marry you despite the ups and downs. That's a good thing!

Either you want to marry him or you don't.

If you both decide in a challenging period that you want to be together no matter what, thats a pretty positive foundation for a marriage.

If the challenging period is making you doubt whether you want to be with him, then marriage probably isn't such a good idea.

The big proposal thing is just a side show and isn't really important. You don't need to wait for him to "pop the question" - you are an equal partner and you have agency in all this too. Just talk to your DP about how you see your futures unfolding and take it from there.

The whole point of marriage is to stick together in the lows as well as the highs. I think it’s a good time to get engaged if you’re in a trough, it shows commitment to your lives as a whole, not just in the nice bits.

Maybe he wants to propose to show you that despite all your stresses of normal (and it is normal) life, he wants to make you happy and spend the rest of his life with you even in the chaos. Maybe take a moment to manifest your happiness years down the line and to not look back on the proposal and wish you had appreciated it more. Try and enjoy and even take some time off work and arrange for a family member to look after the children for you to escape for a night and remind yourselves what attracted you to each other. If not, then sit down and talk about it?

You've both made a set of life decisions that mean the non time pressured proposal route has been and gone. He already knows you'd like to be married before 40. That knowledge can't be unknown. And it's been left so late that there now isn't a way for him to propose that isn't going to raise the question of whether he's just doing it now because of the deadline. Both of you have let it get to this point.

That said, does it really matter? You're at the stage of life where getting married and agreeing to get married are both more practical choices. It's not like being in the earlier stages more footloose and fancy free when you have the luxury of headspace for these things. That's just a consequence of the choices you've both made. It is what it is. I don't see that as a reason not to do something you would otherwise want.

If the bad patch was making you think twice about marriage, that would be a good reason not to want a proposal now. But it evidently isn't.

i honestly would get over it being a perfect proposal at this point

time has passed for that. the right time was probably about 5 years ago if you wanted everything to be stress free and romantic!

accept, and marry. It’s a technicality at this point.

my marriage was also a ‘technicality’ so I get how things not happening like movies can take the wind out of your own sails

i would have probably got a ten grand sparkler and a proposal on a private beach but i had an accidental pregnancy 18 months into our relationship, was hospitalised for most of it and then we felt pushed into buying a house due to prices in our area. Life happens at different speeds.

fwiw my husband staged the proposal I never got on an anniversary one year 🤪

As everyone else has said, you are way, way past the moment for a grand romantic gesture, the purpose of which is to make a commitment and plan a future life together. The commitment is already made, you have kids and a home - you’re living the life.

SM has a lot to answer for when it comes to expectations of perfection - right time, right age, right life stage, right ring, right location, right moment - it’s all just a ridiculous load of performative set dressing. All you need for a lovely proposal is the two of you in a room making a promise to each other - it really doesn’t need to be more complicated than that.

Put your energy into thinking about how you might celebrate your marriage when things have calmed down a bit, and try to stop being pre-emptively disappointed about something that hasn’t even happened yet. You’re mentally setting him up to fail at something he’s only doing right now because you asked him to.

If you know you love each other, are going to be together forever etc then why does your relationship have to be in a great place for a proposal?

From a purely pragmatic viewpoint anyway, no matter how you feel about it, saying no or telling him not to propose because you think your relationship isn't in a good place, is likely to backfire.