Proposal at the wrong time

[ThisTaupeFinch]

I'm pretty sure my partner of 6 years is going to propose this Christmas and although this is something that I do what, the timing is way off for me.

I'm not the type who has ever dreamt of getting married, but similarly I know it is something I want, to be a happy family unit. The problem is we are not happy right now.

Relationships are peaks and troughs, and right now we are in a trough. We have a 2.5 year old who hasn't slept well in months, and a 1.5 year old who is a rocket and just plain hard work. They are much loved but my god has it taken a toll on our relationship. My partner works brutal shifts, I work full time condensed hours. We don't have time to ourselves, and we don't have any couple time. Bickering, exhaustion, and poor communication because we are so tired is common. Throw in a full house renovation to the mix and it's just a very stressy time all round.

We aren't unusual here, this is the reality of family life. It is also the reality of relationships that this is a hard phase and in my view it is completely normal to not be at your best right now. Although we are In a low patch it will get better and I know we will continue to choose eachother.

I'm at fault here too. I had told him that I wanted to get married before I was 40. That puts the pressure on, but since we have been in this rough patch I literally haven't mentioned anything about it in months.

AIBU for not wanting to get engaged when we are in such a low right now? I want it to be a happy moment, and not something that is done out of a time frame obligation. How do I approach it subtly so not to take the wind from his sails?

You're in a hard spot right now, probably feeling low and tired. That's not a reason to not get engaged and married.

The time for a dream Instagram engagement and beautiful wedding is gone. Gone. You have 2 small kids. Another year won't make a difference, life will be tough with a 4 and a 3 year old too. Maybe if you wait another decade, kids are teens etc.

And if you want to leave the relationship, there is plenty of time. Engaged means nothing.

I think YABU. You're waiting for 'ideal conditions'. When you do this, it's because you feel as though you'll be less likely to fail and not achieving the outcome that you have specified in your head. Ideal conditions don't actually exist, and the time will pass whether you do this now or not. This fear, or reluctance, is something your subconscious is using to keep you safe from something it doesn't know yet, but that doesn't mean you – and he together – are not capable.

A proposal is just the small step towards the actual thing – the marriage. Instead of putting pressure on yourself for it to be exactly perfect, so you can justify the time and energy you could spend on it, you can instead devote yourself to the process of it, and trust that as you take each small step the path will continue to unfold. You putting it off is just stopping yourself from accessing parts of yourself and your relationship that you want to grow into.

You don't need to assign the outcome now as a win or a loss, because you don't even know what the full outcome is yet. You deserve to give yourself the opportunity to engage with all the potential of what you want in life – now – rather than clamping down on it through fear of failure.

Your point makes sense to me. I can stew over things way too much so I wouldn’t want getting engaged to feel like a chore or something i wasn’t really excited about - because that would have me questioning things.

Don’t really see a good solution though. Other than saying you aren’t wanting to get married right now.

Good enough to have children and raise together but not good enough to marry. How bizarre.

If you wanted to, you would.

You’re using “the wrong timing” as an excuse to avoid a difficult conversation over whether your relationship has a future.

This is absolute batshittery at its finest.

Either you see a future together and want to be married, or you don’t. A proposal is absolute twaddle. You do not need to be in any particular “place” to have one. You have kids, you’ve discussed it. The whole fairytale proposal nonsense is not applicable.

Genuinely @ThisTaupeFinch have a word with yourself. No-one is suggesting you have to have the wedding next month.

It sounds like you’re having second thoughts about getting married.

It's just an engagement.

The idea "it's not the right time" is nonsense.

Nothing is set in stone when you get engaged. It sounds like you're not sure you want to be married?

Thanks for all your responses, both the unhinged and the reasonable!

I dont think I said anywhere in my OP I wanted a perfect or even grand proposal. That is not me, never has been. I don't even wear rings normally so the big diamond holds no appeal. However, i think at the very least warm and fuzzy feelings shouldn't be a big ask and to boil it down to pure practicalities and transactions surely takes some of the joy out of life a bit? I need a bit of joy, I'm hoping for a bit of joy and it's not unreasonable to want to be in a better headspace.

I really appreciated the comments about reframing it in my head. He's choosing this and me in such a difficult time, maybe he does like me after all! I think this is what I'm going to do.

To the responses that went straight to divorce and effectively getting my ducks in a row... maybe you need a bit of joy in your life too....

I’m with the posters saying it actually seems like a great time to make a commitment. You’re weathering all sorts of storms - it’s reinforcing that you still choose each other, it’s a conscious act and not just that you’re drifting along. Kind of romantic IMO. It’s like a moment to anchor you together in the midst of a bit of life that’s a hard slog for lots of us.

It’s one thing getting engaged when you’re young and idealistic and life is a bed of roses, but to do it in the middle of a hurricane, that’s special.

Thanks for updating OP. I get what you mean that it be a joyful event but life seems not very joyful at the moment. But you might find it gives you both a bit of lift and positivity.

A bit like when you've been married years (like i have!) and life is often mundane and tiring, it feels incongruous to celebrate an anniversary or valentines day. But then you do and it is a good prompt to remind yourselves why your love is worth celebrating. I hope that makes sense.

It really is as simple as do you want to marry him or not.
You don’t need to get married straight away or have a massive fuss when you do get married

I think the difficulty is OP that you've both let it get to the stage where you have to choose between marrying before you're 40 as per your long term wish, and headspace.

If you don't get formally engaged now, every day will just get you closer to 40 anyway. You aren't going to be able to erase any impact of your previously stated goal, so I agree, embrace the situation.

Yeah, it is/will be a proposal at a time when you have no energy and that might've happened later if you'd not put a deadline on it (or earlier if you'd pulled your fingers out of your arses). So what? That's your story as a couple, it's who you are. No reason not to move forward!

Given that you already have DC, if you’re the lower earner and love him and he is a decent partner and relationship is salveageable then marriage on a low budget asap would be sensible (not a proposal but a long engagement)

Also, having legal and financial stability can certainly underpin all manner of positive things, including joy! Practical and financials are romantic IMO!

Not that it matters...but the assumption that I am the lower earner is not accurate. This doesn't play into any of my decision making at this point. To also clarify, I deleted social media for my own mental health during maternity leave so the "show" is also not for me.

The practicals and the financial will come later. As before, I want the warm and fuzziness that this can bring to add to our story (thanks @DonicaLewinsky I liked that take). Just because we have kids does not mean that all this has to be "gone...GONE"

Who knows? Im just going to try and roll with it. I'll have a chat with him tonight about making an effort to be kinder to eachother and try and lead by example...again...!

My DH proposed when we were going through the worst period we've ever gone through.

One of my children was diagnosed with a serious health condition. I was having daily panic attacks after being assaulted while walking home. I was having a horrendous time dealing with viewings for my house (due to the assault) but was desperate to move (again because of that) so did viewings when the agents couldn't. My ex was shit stirring. His FIL was dying of a very cruel and brutal cancer.

It was a miserable time but the feeling of love, support and being wanted when he proposed was so so nice. To me it basically said "life is shit right now, but life being shit with you is better than any kind of life without you" and that is so lovely.

If he does propose, that might bring a bit of warm and fuzzy info the equation - you might be surprised how it actually feels, and it could kick-start things for you both.

@ThisTaupeFinch "The practicals and the financial will come later. As before, I want the warm and fuzziness that this can bring to add to our story"

The practicals and financials haven't come soon enough. You've got two kids and a house. Without a marriage certificate (contract) you could potentially be screwed. You need to think of your kids and whatever the future holds not warm and fuzzy feelings OP. Trust me, life can change on a dime and nothing in this world is certain.

That's a big assumption. I got fucked over financially by my ex DH because I was the higher earner.

I have a new partner and a child and as the higher earner again, I have zero financial incentive to ever marry. No way would I risk a man taking half my assets again after I put myself through pregnancy and birth too.

I just think there is more that needs examining here as it seems you are not wistful for a ‘proposal’ but more a moment in time when things were romantic and carefree?

if so, I’m not trying to cast doubt on your relationship as a whole- but this really doesn’t have to stop with young kids. It shouldn’t be ‘gone gone’.

What’s making you feel like it’s ‘gone gone’, as you’ve said?

I can’t relate. I don’t mean that in a terribly smug way- but I just mean that we have had babysitters to rely on for a date every month, make sure we have a special dinner with candles once a week, good sex life, solo parenting so the other can exercise/do a hobby.

If your relationship hasn’t been valued and you are going through a rough patch, you really can get the warm and fuzzy back if you want to.

It really isn’t my intention to sound like a prick here and sorry if I am way off- this proposal should really be happy news and feelings like the environment/situation isn’t right should mean that that needs sorting, not the proposal delaying.

Just by way of update for anyone who is interested, he proposed, it was very cute. Obviously I said yes :) Thank you to those who advised to reframe it. I'm so glad I took this on board.

Congratulations ☺️

Thank god you came to your senses OP and congratulations 🥳