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Original poster

Anti social SIL avoids interacting when over

37 replies

Cinola · 11/12/2025 19:18

My daughter’s husband behaves quite oddly when he is visiting us. DD and SIL probably visit every several months. Maybe I am unreasonable and this is the norm. But my view when you go to stay with them the point is to interact and have a nice time TOGETHER. SIL will spend all of the day out - gym, pub watching golf, working on his laptop in a cafe. And when he does come back he runs off to the spare bedroom. It’s all very strange. My other son in law does not do this. And as a result we feel like emotionally close to him. I mean of course he is free to spend his time how he pleases but they will stay for three days and I will only see sil for a few hours in the evening. He often goes to bed very early too. He’s treated very well. I’m sort of dreading Christmas. Last year he acted the same. Makes husband and I feel like he really despises our company. We do our best to be gracious hosts and take an interest in him.

OP posts:
GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 11/12/2025 19:21

What does your DD say about his behaviour?

TheTowerAtMidnight · 11/12/2025 19:25

Fair enough I think. Spending time around family you're not actually related to can be draining.

something2say · 11/12/2025 19:25

Be aware that he may have come from a very different background to you and as such, being 'at home' means something different to him. I was abused as a kid, growing up in a nasty unpleasant atmosphere and when with the family members, I was often being ridiculed, crying, being hit etc, so to slope off upstairs when told to 'get out of my SIGHT!' became a massive relief and a way of life. Unfortunately in adult hood, that way of life has not served me because as you say, other people find it odd. So I am once again the odd one out, through no fault of my own. What worked was to gently get used to people and to stop feeling the need to flee. I wonder if something like this is going on for your son in law? If so, give him time and enjoy the solo tine with your daughter and family, while he slowly unwinds upstairs and realises that nothing bad is going to happen to him if he sits with the people for a bit.

DeedlessIndeed · 11/12/2025 19:36

From a different perspective, I would dislike to stay with my in laws at all. Not because they are bad people. But because I don't enjoy being a house guest for extended periods.

Going out for a meal or spending an afternoon with tea and good conversation are all lovely. But I would hate to stay over - I'd run out of conversation between breakfast and lunch. I'd also struggle to properly relax.

Similarly, when they come to visit us (they do stay with us a few times a year), DH's step father generally will take himself off to see a museum or activity near us. We will meet back up for lunch or dinner or something. DH's mum will sometimes just take herself off to the snug with a book. It's all good!

So, I wouldn't be too hard on him. He's probably a bit more introverted than you and your other SIL - it's not wrong, just different IMO.

It might not be long before they decide to just stay at a hotel nearby - there came a point when we decided it was best for us.

Laiste · 11/12/2025 19:42

Have you asked your DD if he's comfortable around you, or if you've offended, or if there's something you could do to make him feel more at home?

I mean - i'm sure you haven't offended and there's prob not much more you can do or say, but it would be a nice way to start the convo and see what she says out if interest.

Anywherebuthere · 11/12/2025 19:46

People come from different backgrounds and have different personalities. There are also lots of people with various undiagnosed conditions/traits.

It doesn't make this SIL worse and the other better. Being married into your family doesn't mean he will or has to be like the rest of you.

Accept him for how is as long he isn't rude and disrespectful.

Tammygirl12 · 11/12/2025 19:48

My husband is a bit like this and suspected adhd asd. It’s his t coping method. He will find any reason to leave the house to go to the supermarket. I don’t like it but I’ve come to accept it

CypressGrove · 11/12/2025 19:53

Sounds like he is visiting for your DD's sake and you get to spend the time with her. He's not your other SIL.

TheSpiritofDarkandLonelyWater · 11/12/2025 19:55

I can relate to this.
I am very introverted and am also autistic. I hate being a guest in other people's homes as you have to stay present and it is seen as rude to disappear. I have to disappear and recharge and to also try and prevent overwhelm. Being overwhelmed means I find it even harder to mask and can lead to me not being able to cope at all.
It sounds horrible but my boyfriend does not have living parents so this is not something I have to deal with anymore but I have had to in the past.
In the past I found it very hard. I even need time out when I visit my own parents.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/12/2025 19:55

My DH has social anxiety and he would struggle massively even staying with his own parents. He wouldn't cope at all with spending the best part of a few days with anyone really. Even at home there is times he needs to be alone for a while to regroup

Bambamhoohoo · 11/12/2025 20:00

I wonder if you can actually give them the choice? Start again afresh

“it’s clear that SIL Isn’t comfortable staying with us for multiple days. Would you like to stop this arrangement? Shall we just meet every so often for lunch instead rather than multiple day things?”

open up the conversation. He doesn’t seem to have been given the opportunity to say this isnt working for me and I don’t want to be here

KvotheTheBloodless · 11/12/2025 20:01

I'm a bit like this - I'm autistic and really struggle at PILs, even though I like them a lot.

StillFeelingTired · 11/12/2025 20:05

I would try and first of all see if you have accidentally caused offence. If not then I would try and make him feel comfortable by letting him be and not crowding him. He may just be shy or introverted. My FIL detested having people around him so when he would come for Christmas he would sit in the sitting room by himself and ignore us all. It wasn’t personal but it took me a while to realise it. About 5 years. I used to always go and sit with him in silence, reading or knitting. We would not talk much at all. Maybe a ‘cup of tea’ but that was it. We ended up being very close strangely and I was devastated when he died. I think he knew he was safe and did not have to stand on ceremony with me. I miss him dreadfully. Mind you, not sure we spoke more than a thousand sentences to each other in 20 years!!

CherrieTomaties · 11/12/2025 20:10

Last year he acted the same. Makes husband and I feel like he really despises our company.

Maybe he does.

I despise staying overnight in someone else’s house. I can’t relax. I can’t settle. Staying at someone else’s house for 3 consecutive nights is my idea of hell.

Penwell · 11/12/2025 20:10

My DH does this to my father and step mum. The reason is he really doesn't like them. They are strong characters, and completely not self aware at all. My BIL copes far better, and so like your your other SIL is far closer.

I gave up making excuses years ago. I told them he finds them tough work and they really didn't like it, but I was sick of being in the middle. It's not great.

Redpeach · 11/12/2025 20:16

Penwell · 11/12/2025 20:10

My DH does this to my father and step mum. The reason is he really doesn't like them. They are strong characters, and completely not self aware at all. My BIL copes far better, and so like your your other SIL is far closer.

I gave up making excuses years ago. I told them he finds them tough work and they really didn't like it, but I was sick of being in the middle. It's not great.

He should at least make an effort, no-one's perfect, including your dh

WelshRabBite · 11/12/2025 20:23

How many friends that are 20-30yrs younger do you have that come to visit for three days?

If you don’t have any, is that because you don’t share common interests? If you do, what is it that binds you to them? A shared hobby or work interest?

I, personally, have none. So if my DC bring home a friend/partner with them, I don’t expect them to hang around with me for several days. They’re with my child and as long as they’re kind and polite in my home, I’m just happy to see my DC.

Some I have more in common with than others, and those will probably spend more time with me than the ones with less shared interests. I think that’s normal 🤷‍♀️

CheeseIsMyIdol · 11/12/2025 20:35

If he accepts an invitation to visit, he is rude to not interact. It's a basic tenet of etiquette that houseguests make an effort to be pleasant, sociable and helpful.

What a clod.

Cakeandcardio · 11/12/2025 21:04

TheTowerAtMidnight · 11/12/2025 19:25

Fair enough I think. Spending time around family you're not actually related to can be draining.

But also fucking rude and it would not kill him to be a decent human being.

echt · 11/12/2025 21:07

The SIL is not ant-social, that would entail crapping in your handbag. He's unsociable. And bloody rude to boot.

TheSpiritofDarkandLonelyWater · 11/12/2025 21:15

Cakeandcardio · 11/12/2025 21:04

But also fucking rude and it would not kill him to be a decent human being.

Show quote history

Some people struggle with things like this due to being ND. That is the case for me. I am not rude. I just cant cope with prolonged and forced interactions.
I think I am a decent human being.

User74939590 · 11/12/2025 21:19

I would never stay with my in-laws nor invite them to stay. Sorry that’s so weird to me.

JoshLymanSwagger · 11/12/2025 21:21

he's not visiting you through choice.
he's visiting you through a sense of duty to his wife.
he's doing this to keep her happy.

I think he'd much rather stay at home.
it might be because he doesn't like you very much.
it might be because he's a home bird and doesn't like being away anywhere that much.
he might be introverted, and putting on a front for you, and 3 days is just too much for him.

speak to your DD and ask her.
don't be surprised if she doesn't give you a straight answer though, she'll try to protect him.

DaisyChain505 · 11/12/2025 21:26

I couldn’t think of anything worse than being forced to spend days at a time staying at anyone’s house doesn’t matter who they are.

I’m introvert, like my own time and space and my hlme comforts and routine.

maybe your daughter should be visiting alone and not putting him though this.

gannett · 11/12/2025 21:41

If I was spending three days even with people I like a lot, I'd be carving out a lot of me time via work and exercise as well.

Who knows what his reasons are though? Could be absolutely anything from introversion to social anxiety to finding you hard work. Why don't you ask your daughter? And there are other ways to get to know someone better that aren't three-night house visits...