Anti social SIL avoids interacting when over

[Cinola]

My daughter’s husband behaves quite oddly when he is visiting us. DD and SIL probably visit every several months. Maybe I am unreasonable and this is the norm. But my view when you go to stay with them the point is to interact and have a nice time TOGETHER. SIL will spend all of the day out - gym, pub watching golf, working on his laptop in a cafe. And when he does come back he runs off to the spare bedroom. It’s all very strange. My other son in law does not do this. And as a result we feel like emotionally close to him. I mean of course he is free to spend his time how he pleases but they will stay for three days and I will only see sil for a few hours in the evening. He often goes to bed very early too. He’s treated very well. I’m sort of dreading Christmas. Last year he acted the same. Makes husband and I feel like he really despises our company. We do our best to be gracious hosts and take an interest in him.

I mean... on the one hand, I personally think it's rude and unacceptable. That said, I have met dozens of men over my life who are like that. My dad's like that at his OWN parents' house at times! My mum always used to joke and moan that her brothers-in-law never came to any family events... My DH's uncle barely talks to anyone at family events and then will just go and have a nap for an hour... I think quite a significant minority of men are just naturally really unsociable (hashtag male loneliness crisis🙄).

I dont have problems interacting with people but I would hate to stay at peoples houses for this long. Even one night I would struggle. I like my own home and my own space. Cant stand that I wouldnt be able to fart and pick my nose slumped on the sofa (nice image)

And for some reason I read this as sister in law and was getting all muddled, not the point of the thread obviously

I bet if you just arranged to meet up for an afternoon, go bowling, crazy golf, a bike ride, something fun or active he would be different. And so would your sister in law.

Well he's not likely to be accepting the invitation because he wants to visit- but because his wife wants to. And then he gets out of everyone's way so his wife can spend quality time with her family.
He can refuse and maybe his wife will visit on her own, or she may not go at all which wouldn't benefit the OP.

Yes and then there would be a thread moaning that he wont go with me to see my parents, hes not supportive, then posters would tell OP that 'this is what he thinks of you, he has no respect, LTB, I couldnt get over that'

blah blah blah

Just accept him for who he is, don't take it as an insult - enjoy the time with your DD!
He's doing what he needs to to get through the visit for his wife's sake.

I have no useful input OP but I did want to send a virtual hug to @something2say 🌸

Dh behaves like that.
He doesn't despise anyone but he is socially clueless. He thinks he's doing the right thing by giving space but it comes across as rude.

I struggle like that in other peoples homes. So will go for walks and try to stay out of their way.

Even sharing a holiday is hard work. Again I take myself off for walks to have space and not feel trapped.

Unless his actually rude as in saying your foods rubbish or you smell or something I’d take it as he just doesn’t feel comfortable.

Respectfully.. some people have been brought up in families where the men just never really socialised with their partners. If this set up was modelled to him, he may well be completely oblivious as to how it comes across to you. On the other hand (and, unfortunately, I suspect this might be more likely), he just might not like you very much.

How does he get on with your DH? Do they get along and have much to talk about?

I don't understand the point of comparing him to your other SIL either.. they're completely different people.

Have a think about how welcoming you've been and how easily he "fits" into your family dynamic. But honestly I think you just need to accept that this is just how he is.

Honestly op, have you never heard of people finding it tiring to stay at other people’s houses or do everything TOGETHER?

If I were staying at someone for 3 nights (it doesn’t matter who) I’d also look at things to do on my own to get some me time and recharge.

I am fairly antisocial and wouldn’t be able to spend that long with my own family never mind my in laws, some people just need their own space

Thats the way it is. Dont try and change things or force things. If you do you might find you dont see your daughter and sil at all and that would be much worse.