To think that doing something nice stops being nice when you post about it

[Augustandeverythingafter1]

When a person does something nice for a stranger, that's lovely and more people should.

But AIBU in thinking that if you make a big deal telling people about it, then it cancels out the "nice" and just becomes about the person doing it wanting everyone to tell them how wonderful they are?

Recent instances:

• someone left a Christmas card and £10 on an ambulance for the paramedics to have a coffee. Took a photo, then went running to the paper telling everyone how wonderful they were.
• someone on FB paid for a bag of carrots for the lady in front of them in the queue. Then went on to post about how wonderful they were.
• gofundme at work. Most of the doners are anonymous but a couple of people have put their names and a message about how much live to help people and how they donate to x every year and do y all the time.

Just do something nice and quietly like the happy glory feeling you get.

Yessss I had a friend who only did nice things to and fb messaged the world about it, every-single- time.. it was more about creating her narrative of giver vs genuine altruistic; sadly it’s not enough to disguise her narcissism.

I once asked someone quite high up in a charity that is the sort of one that gets mentioned as one people are donating to, if they had seen a noticeable increase since people had started saying this.
She said that they'd always had a bit of a boost around Christmas, but it's actually less now. Apparently the people that used to give a bit extra to them at Christmas they found were thinking they didn't need to because of people giving instead of Christmas cards, but there wasn't the flow of money that was perceived to be.

I suspect a lot of people announce it the first year and give peanuts and then don't donate again.

I wonder if the people who donate in lieu of Christmas cards are the same as those who donate instead of having wedding favours at their wedding.

Wedding favours are usually shite though. A pack of Love Heart sweets in an organza bag with some bell shaped sequins being one example at a wedding I went to.

Agreed. I don’t mind if I get a wedding favour or not. It just seemed similar in a way to the Christmas card thing - telling people how good you are while donating the funds you would have used to buy something for that person. Possibly I’m an unreasonable misery though!

I apologise as I haven’t RTFT but posts like this are exactly why we need the laughing emoji back!

Agree, you’re talking about 2 opposite personality types here though, those who act out (generally assholes) and those who act in, (generally not assholes)

I'm sorry she did that. I hope you are in a better place now.

I disagree that you only ever do something nice to get something from it.

Sure, sometimes doing something nice will make you feel good but other times it's so natural and just the right thing to do that it doesnt even register.

Often doing something "nice" is instantaneous and not pre-planned. You just instinctively respond to the situation.

But even if you do, do it for the dopamine hit, to make yourself think "I did a good thing today", does it matter that much?

The little private glow-y feeling is a world away from telling people how brilliant you are for doing this nice thing and wanting praise for it.

I'd quite like a little pack of love hearts. 🤣 The bag and sequins are a bit "what do I do with these now?" but edible stuff is good.

I agree op.
There was a fb post from a man saying how he had helped a man sat outside a pub by going into the pub and asking them to give the man outside a coffee. He was all smug and condescending to others saying that nobody else had given him a hot drink.
The responses were all the same saying that he hadn’t given him anything. He had pressurised the young employee behind the bar to give the man a coffee. This in itself was a spiteful thing to do as the employee might get into trouble now.
They also skated him for not buying the coffee and quite frankly encouraging begging.
Where I live there aren’t genuinely homeless people. They are all given free housing but some if them choose to sit outside and beg rather than find jobs it do voluntary work.
The ‘good Samaritan’ was slated for encouraging begging too when it is a blight on the town.
All in all he was a total dickhead.

So it wasnt even him doing the good thing?!

But you did on Mumsnet.

I think the joke went over your head 😂

I think this was a joke...
The joke being the they helped put the stuff back, not pay for it.
A bit like the ones that say "my wife told me it's football or her. Pity. I'll miss her".

The ones that wind me up are where they "just happen to be filming for no reason" when suddenly a stray dog with puppies comes begging for help/their child spontaneously gives their McDs to a homeless person/they see someone in need of help.
You can pick up within the first second because they are so badly acting for the camera. "Oh I am just on a very ordinary walk, and filming with no thought of sharing and nothing is going to happen... honest."

If I happened to be filming myself or family, which tbf is very unlikely, and came across someone/animal needing help my first response would be to put the phone down as I'd be more useful with my concentration on them rather than whether I'm going to drop my camera.

I hate the videos of "acts of kindness". Its voyeuristic. People struggling need respect not plastering over social media.

I do understand the urge to want to know if the person you helped recovered. Not for thanks.. its a need to know you did the right thing. Obviously no one is owed someone else's medical information though.

I had to read @didntlikeanyofthesuggestions post twice before I got it.

As they say, she who laughs last doesn't get the joke.

Oh yes, the virtuousness! A Dbro and SiL started saying this some years ago - I do know they could perfectly well afford to do both, they just CBA. Which is fine, but wouldn’t it be nice if such people just admitted it?

But then you're remembering her by how she died and not by the person she was. Do you post a beautiful pic of her every time it's her birthday? Surely this is the most appropriate way of remembering her and reminding your friends of her existence rather than the continued donation you decided to give to a charity each year.- which imo could be donated to privately at any time of the year.

I'm not saying it's unreasonable but people can't put a Facebook post on their mantelpiece at Christmas can they? Christmas is about the birth of Jesus Christ, not his death. Nor is it a remembrance of your mother's way of passing. Christmas is a time for everyone to celebrate at the same time. A time for unity perhaps. Therefore whilst it's sad that our loved ones can't be there to celebrate this special time with us, forcing every single one of your friends and family to remember how your loved one passed away, and sacrificing your friends' token of thoughts and joy from you by way of a card, in lieu of this charitably donation is a rather narrow minded and selfish way of forcing everyone to continue to mourne with you. They may not even agree with the charity you choose to donate to. They may have already donated to said charity themselves anonymously.
Make your donation. But don't make everyone you know pay for it too. Don't sacrifice their time of joy for something so clinical and morbid.

Yes I’m remembering what she died of. And I’m giving them money.

My profile picture is a picture of her. I don’t post a beautiful picture of her on her birthday because my profile picture is a picture of her every day.

I’m not a Christian so I don’t believe that Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. It’s a midwinter festival the Christian’s nicked. And it’s cultural not religious for me.

I’m not forcing anyone to do anything - if they don’t like my post they are free to unfollow me.

I can’t afford to do both and I dislike the waste of Christmas cards.

Quite. And it's possible to do both if you buy charity cards.

Fair enough.

This will be my festive message this year. No virtue signalling from me 🎅🎄