I think a mom needs time to rest to recover from the flu

[the2ndmom]

Firstly, I want to make this clear because people on the internet can get confused about this. I am a woman. My spouse is another woman. We're both wives. It's two women.

Anyway, my wife has a 7 year old biological daughter. I'm to be seen like another mother to that little angel. It's my wife, our daughter, and me in the house. We all caught the flu.

Even with the fever, muscle aches, sneezing, coughing, runny nose, and even the occasional diarrhea/vomiting, my partner is up and about around the house. So is our daughter. I'm either laying in bed, on the toilet, or in the bath. I feel beaten down.

My wife make a remark, accusing me of being a big baby and saying the flu shouldn't stop a mom. I think I am entitled to a little rest to recover. Am I being unreasonable ?

The question is are you more ill than your wife, who isn't getting any rest to recover?

I'm not sure if it's fair for me to say who's more sick. But if I had to answer, I'm probably sicker. I don't know how my wife managed to do so much walking and standing with this terrible flu.

You can’t take the same time out you would pre kids as you would as a parent (mum or dad or mum/mum) that’s is unreasonable. You can take a short recovery time but you realistically can’t take days in bed leaving your kids feral or your partner to do absolutely everyone. You gotta adapt a bit. It sucks but it goes with being a parent

I'm not sure I'm understanding. If your wife is doing all the essential parenting work while you rest then that seems unfair. If on the other hand she is expecting you to do non-urgent stuff rather than rest, that would seem unfair.

Back in 2019 I was off work for 6 weeks because of flu...don't (allow other people to) underestimate it.

When My DH and I have both been ill (very rare), we tag team with the dc. Even if it is just for an hour so the other one can rest. Luckily, even with Covid, we never had a situation where both of us were completely bed ridden at the same time. If need be, can you sit on the sofa under a duvet so that your wife can get a little rest?

This isn't anything urgent to do. My wife and our daughter are doing a lot of fun stuff together. No work nor school until we're better. Meals are prepared. Clothes are clean. Our daughter hasn't asked our help for anything.

Sometimes people can seem to have the same illness, but one is really sick and the other not so bad. Regardless of gender, if one of you really feels more sick, it's fair for the other to do more. Another time you might be the one who is less ill. Only an issue if one partner always does more IMO.

Right, so your wife thinks you should be up and about even though there is nothing to do? That sounds ridiculous

I could watch our daughter if my wife needs rest. But that not what she's asking. She wants the 3 of us to have fun together.

Bugger. That. Does she not believe you are unwell?

You should be able to say firmly you're not well enough for having fun just yet. You're glad they are but they should go and do whatever together as you need to stay in bed.

Flu or even a bad cold can make people feel dreadful for a couple of weeks or more.

Hope you feel better soon x

Your wife sounds unsympathetic; people will suffer an illness differently for very obvious reasons. If you are sicker than her then you need more rest.

You are indeed SUPPOSED to rest and recover, that’s why you’re off school and work. On the other hand once you start feeling better sometimes moving and getting fresh air helps.

By the way does it make a difference that your dd is biologically hers?

It's more, she thinks that a mom must be able to push through the flu. I can understand that to some extent, if there is something pressing. But nothing is pressing.

Pushing through when you need to is one thing. Pushing through for no reason at all, and in doing so putting stress on your health and risking being ill for longer, is just a martyr's game. Don't let her convince you to be a martyr

It doesn't make a difference for my love for our daughter. But it does makes a difference in my self-confidence and experience. I've only been her mom since she was 6. I can't say that I'm an experienced mom.

On the face of it dw seems unreasonable, but my dh takes to bed because he knows I will manage, because I've always had to. He doesn't dose himself up and carry on because he knows I will dose myself up and carry on. So no, technically, he doesn't need to be there, but he could be if he took slightly better care of himself, in the way that I do to ensure things carry on in some semblence of normality. If you've taken to bed because you're not used to being up and about then yabu, but if you are genuinely more ill, then yanbu!

And my wife is legitimately sick. Her nose is red and sore. She's flushed and sweating like crazy. Her coughing seems painful. I've heard some of her bathroom actions. She's a real trooper for being able to move around.

I do feel guilty that I'm not more like her.

There are no medals for martyrs. Give her a lempsip, and toast to her with your own.

I think to be honest she need to be more like you - she needs to rest when ill not push herself just because! This is the sort of time all three of you should be on the sofa watching TV all day and eating snacks - just as fun, but also getting much needed rest!

I could do that but they want to play video games. Not the most relaxing way to have fun.

The flu affects people differently, as do all viruses, you could be genuinely iller than her. But also some people are less resilient let’s say and make more of a meal of self limiting illness (the kinds you get better from given time, I’m not talking about serious illnesses requiring medical intervention). Only you know whether you fall into this secondary category, as mums we have to carry on even feeling grotty.

If the mom gets to recover and you’re both mums then who takes over the household?

Also your recovery will be longer if you don’t rest

Some people can handle it better than others. I know if my husband and I had flu at the same time, he would carry on with the kids and I would be in bed lol.