I think a mom needs time to rest to recover from the flu

[the2ndmom]

Firstly, I want to make this clear because people on the internet can get confused about this. I am a woman. My spouse is another woman. We're both wives. It's two women.

Anyway, my wife has a 7 year old biological daughter. I'm to be seen like another mother to that little angel. It's my wife, our daughter, and me in the house. We all caught the flu.

Even with the fever, muscle aches, sneezing, coughing, runny nose, and even the occasional diarrhea/vomiting, my partner is up and about around the house. So is our daughter. I'm either laying in bed, on the toilet, or in the bath. I feel beaten down.

My wife make a remark, accusing me of being a big baby and saying the flu shouldn't stop a mom. I think I am entitled to a little rest to recover. Am I being unreasonable ?

That's the total opposite of the stereotype. I literally never heard a mom say that.

Different people experience the same illness to different extents. No-one knows exactly how ill another person feels. However even if you feel like absolute death, and can barely move, if your child needs something and it's a genuine need then you just do it, you find it in you somehow to do that thing, it's just what a mum does. If she's cleaning and tidying and doing stuff that's not actually necessary and isn't fulfilling an immediate need then either she feels well enough to do so or she doesn't have sufficient self-respect to take care of her own needs. If there's stuff that she's doing that actually needs doing then as an equal mum you should be doing half that work no matter how shit you feel, unless she says she feels well enough to do it without your help.

My dp (m) and i both had flu, i was completely floored and could do nothing, however my dp is part machine and done everything.
Some people just get it worse than others, so I would not be too harsh on the one who is most ill

But if she didn't then who would? She maybe feels like she can't do it either but there is a child who needs caring for so she does it.

I appreciate you telling me. Makes me feel less guilty.

I think especially as a woman, there is a pressure to be super mom 100 % of the time.

Oh ok, well that's daft then.

She wants the 3 of us to have fun together.

Fun??? With fatigue, fever, cough, streaming nose and upset stomachs? What is she on about? I don't think she can feel terribly ill despite her outward symptoms.

"Pushing through as a mum" when you are ill is a thing, but to me it was getting the child some easy food (then laying down again), running them a bath (and sitting on the bathroom while they had it) and tucking them into bed (then getting back into mine). Doing the basics for their care and survival. I don't remember "fun" coming into it.

When I'm feeling better, I'm all up for fun but not before.

I promise you she's sick. I've seen her temperature on the thermometer. She feels very warm. She's constantly coughing, sneezing, and sniffling. I've heard and smelled bathroom stuff from her, sorry if TMI. She definitely feels ill.

Hold on, OP, you’ve only been in this child’s life for a year? I’d originally thought you meant only that your wife carried and gave birth to her, but that she was also your child from birth. If you’re a fairly recent stepmother to a seven year old, that’s a completely different situation, and if your wife has been a solo parent to her daughter before you two got together, she’s presumably had to push on through illnesses, regardless of how bad she felt.

I met DD when she was 2. I married her biological mom and legally adopted her when she was 6.

Well she’s not wrong is she. If you both took to your beds who would look after your child. She’s pushing through because she has to because you’re not. If you are both ill, and there’s no one who can come in and help then you should be taking turns to rest. One gets a few hours sleep then the other takes over.

I guess the question is, as parents, is the standing and walking stuff they need to do? If not, then ignore them. They can do whatever they feel like and if you don't feel like doing as much don't. If they are pointing out that they are probably as ill as you, but they are doing essential things like feeding your kid and you are not, then maybe you should be helping them!

Kid is 7, not a baby. You should model what you should do ie REST! Pushing through is admirable but unhealthy if done uneceesariliy. Encourage them to rest and eat healthy too.

OK, but she’s in your life because of her mother, who was presumably, a single parent for some time before you two got together and your adopted your DD — it’s hardly surprising that she had to learn to parent through illnesses because there was no one else to step in if she was incapacitated? And that this hasn’t been something you’ve had to learn because your daughter has always had her other parent in her life to step in if you couldn’t?