Golden child going low contact

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My BIL was always the golden child of MIL. He’s the youngest and the only one she took to live with her in the divorce. The rest including my DH stayed with FIL.

She has never hid the fact he is golden child, would constantly ring us telling us about how amazing he is and never ask about us and our children. Her relationship with the rest of her children has suffered as a side effect and SIL is almost no contact with her. I’ve never had a great relationship with her either.

She became ill a few years ago and became very dependant on BIL. They became almost emeshed. She would not visit us (2 hours drive) at all, we would only visit her. The whole time she would tell us how amazing BIL who lived with her was. I could feel a lot of resentment from DH.

BIL has recently gotten married and is almost no contact with her now. MIL constantly rings us crying about how he won’t see her, won’t answer the phone, ignores her etc. Their wedding was awkward with his wife almost ignoring her. He has actually moved near us and we get on with them really well. His wife is lovely and she hasn’t gone into detail but she has not had an easy time from MIL.

MIL now visits us all of the time I think hoping to see BIL. She drops gifts for him off at the house yet nothing for us or our children. BIL will not come and see her when she is here always making excuses he is busy. He and us have told her not to leave gifts but she still does.

The more he ignores the more she tries to put on us. Inviting herself for Xmas I think trying to find a way to see BIL. She gets incredibly jealous if she finds we have done anything with FIL and BIL is there.

I am at my wits end now because I know she only comes to see us and kids now BIL is near by. AIBU to say enough is enough and also BIL needs to take some responsibility here?

Take responsibility for having an overbearing mother? I don't think that's his responsibility. He has drawn his lines. You need to draw yours.

What does DH say about his mothers behaviour?

He tells he no a lot of the time but then she goes over her and to me sending me messages. I think DH is just happy she’s making an effort to see us and the kids after years but I know it’s because of BIL and it’s upsetting me.

He keeps telling BIL to be nicer to her but BIL says he isn’t doing anything and he’s just busy- because he’s actually not doing or saying anything he’s just avoiding her.

This^. You’ve never needed boundaries because she ignored you. You need to take some responsibility for asserting your boundaries the way your BIL has. How on earth do you think your children feel having a GP with no interest in them whatsoever, and parents that allow that disdain to creep into their own home.

I don't think BIL needs to take any responsibility for his ridiculous parent.

You need to stop being "flying monkeys" and accepting the gifts on behalf of him from your MIL. Tell her no, you will not be forwarding any items on, and if necessary help her put them back in her car.

I suggest you take a leaf out of his book, and be a little bit more "busy" when she tries to invite herself.

I suspect your relationship with your BIL and his wife will improve 10 fold.

I definitely wouldn’t place myself in between MIL and BIL as any kind of communications conduit or enforcement. I wouldn’t even mention MIL to BIL and vice versa.

BIL doesn't owe her anything, and his LC with her since he got married is actually a healthy sign.
You also need to set some strict boundaries with her too and refuse her attempt to colonise your family to get access to her son. She doesn't care about your husband, or your children, which is sad, but her loss entirely. Don't get involved in any kind of mediation between her and BIL.

Why do you want this woman in your life? What value does she actually add? It's certainly not emotional, is it?

Quite frankly, your DH deserves better than a mother who constantly made him feeling like he wasn't good enough and I would be asking him what HE thinks of his mother suddenly wanting to be in his life only to see his brother. Follow his lead, but make it clear to him, and to her, if he does want her around that your kids will never play second fiddle to BIL kids - if she can't be bothered to show them the same sort of love, she doesn't get to see them. Children deserve better, as your DH does, than a grandparent or parent who can't be arsed with them.

You all need to get a grip.

AIBU to say enough is enough and also BIL needs to take some responsibility here?

Responsibility for what? His mother separated him from his siblings after her divorce and then leaned on him very heavily for many years. She sounds very overbearing and manipulative and I'm guessing that BIL's wife has pointed out to him that they were unhealthily enmeshed and that he needed to take a step back. I'm not surprised he's reduced contact - she's probably been suffocatingly clingy and emotionally manipulative towards him all his life.

He's allowed to make that choice. Your DH could also make that choice, if he wanted to. He isn't responsible for his mother or his brother.

I agree.

I would have also questioned the gifts and asked if there were only gifts for some grandchildren and not your kids. I absolutely wouldn’t have accepted passing the gifts on, especially if my own kids never received a thing. You need to be firm, it’s not your battle to fight so step right back and get yourself out of it for your own sanity

DH is just happy she’s making an effort to see us and the kids after years but I know it’s because of BIL and it’s upsetting me.

How does DH react when you spell out to him why she's seeing him and his family now?

I refuse to pass any messages on to them we just tell her we don’t see them. It was rocky when they first moved here because we would invite them to things and they would be too busy. Once we established they were avoiding MIL we stopped mentioning anything and they came to visit us knowing she wasn’t here.

DH just sees it as she’s a lonely woman and he thinks BIL is being mean to her. Him and BIL have a much better relationship now but DH definitely still carries some resentment towards how he has always felt about their relationship. I think he sees it as he always had to hear about him and how he’s dealing with the fall out. He just wants BIL to see her a bit more to get her off our back but BIL refuses to engage in convo about it.

The golden child was abused as well.

They don’t have children. She will literally leave wrapped up gifts here under the guise of a moving in present or say it’s some stuff BIL has left at her house when he used to live there, although he moved out a few years ago now.

But it clearly isn’t because it’ll be wrapped up in a gift bag and when we tell BIL he doesn’t come to pick it up and says bin it because it’ll just be done tat she’s bought. She says she would mail them but she doesn’t have his address.

The latest update is that she has tried to invite herself over for Christmas and we have said no we’re busy. My other SIL has said she can go to her house and she is happy for her to stay for the week.

MIL has sent DH a text about how upset she is that BIL and his wife won’t have her for Xmas day and she’ll be alone on Xmas day. We know this isn’t the case as she will go to SIL. I daren’t tell SIL about this as she’ll think her invite isn’t good enough.

You need to assert some boundaries too. Don't let her leave the presents. Push back on the visits.

But, no, I don't think BIL needs to take responsibility for someone who is manipulative and damaging.

When you're a flying monkey it can seem easier to get the person they are trying to access to deal with it, but really everyone needs to put in their own boundaries like your bil is doing. It sounds like it's much needed for him to put up boundaries. She sounds obsessed with him. She sounds like a very inadequate person.

Absolutely. My brother was the golden child and he really paid for it. Sounds like your BIL is finally setting up healthy boundaries, Op.

Maybe his wife opened his eyes to what was going on. I see it as a good thing rarely do these narcissists get their just desserts.

I can sort of see your DH's perspective. I imagine that he sees it that BIL was MIL's favourite and enjoyed lots of praise/gifts etc but now is ditching her because he's moved out and doesn't need her any more. He probably also in some ways feels like he needs to try to please his mother. It sounds like she's made life difficult for both of them in different ways.
I think your DH and BIL need to speak about it and show a united front to MIL. How would MIL react if your DH challenged her directly eg. 'Why have you suddenly started visiting us? Why do you bring gifts for us to pass on to BIL when you have never brought a gift for your grandchildren?'. Or perhaps 'I think BIL has made it clear that he doesn't want to spend time with you or receive your gifts so please stop using us as a way to try to get to him. If you would like to visit us because you want to spend time with us you are welcome, but you will have to understand that we will not be discussing BIL or passing anything on to him.'

What actually happened between your BiL and MiL?

I have no idea, he hasn’t gone into detail other than she’s hard work. SIL said she’s made their life really difficult hence why they’ve moved and that’s it.

I dont understand why on earth you are blaming the BIL here and saying he needs to "take responsibility"- for what? being manipulated by his own mother who is clearly vile to his wife and smothers and obsesses over him like an infant?

Why are you placing blame on everyone else instead of the person whose entire faulty this is- your MIL. She is the toxic one, she is the one manipulating everyone and playing favourites, she is the one treating your DH like shit and hating on your BIL's wife and ignoring your own children. This is all coming from her- she is the root of all this nastiness and the cause of this fractured family.

Your MIL is a tumour and she has negatively affected everyone around her. If you choose not to put in boundaries to protect your family thats on you, not your BIL or your SIL.

On one level you seem to understand that the problem is your MIL but on another level you seem to want your BIL to fix her. How is he supposed to do that. Only she can do that and she shows absolutely no signs of engaging in that process. Stop blaming your brother in law and put in some boundaries with your MIL and allow him to handle his relationship with her the best way he can. She has been absolutely appalling towards him. His boundaries are entirely appropriate.

Your BIL isn’t responsible for getting her off your back. It’s you and your husband that will have to do that. Your DH may be resentful because his brother got all the attention, but equally your BIL has had enough of his mother because he got all of the attention.

Your husband is idealizing something because he never had it, not realizing that being the subject of such intense and suffocating focus isn’t exactly enjoyable. She hasn’t been a good mother to either of them.