Golden child going low contact

[Darkvaddr]

My BIL was always the golden child of MIL. He’s the youngest and the only one she took to live with her in the divorce. The rest including my DH stayed with FIL.

She has never hid the fact he is golden child, would constantly ring us telling us about how amazing he is and never ask about us and our children. Her relationship with the rest of her children has suffered as a side effect and SIL is almost no contact with her. I’ve never had a great relationship with her either.

She became ill a few years ago and became very dependant on BIL. They became almost emeshed. She would not visit us (2 hours drive) at all, we would only visit her. The whole time she would tell us how amazing BIL who lived with her was. I could feel a lot of resentment from DH.

BIL has recently gotten married and is almost no contact with her now. MIL constantly rings us crying about how he won’t see her, won’t answer the phone, ignores her etc. Their wedding was awkward with his wife almost ignoring her. He has actually moved near us and we get on with them really well. His wife is lovely and she hasn’t gone into detail but she has not had an easy time from MIL.

MIL now visits us all of the time I think hoping to see BIL. She drops gifts for him off at the house yet nothing for us or our children. BIL will not come and see her when she is here always making excuses he is busy. He and us have told her not to leave gifts but she still does.

The more he ignores the more she tries to put on us. Inviting herself for Xmas I think trying to find a way to see BIL. She gets incredibly jealous if she finds we have done anything with FIL and BIL is there.

I am at my wits end now because I know she only comes to see us and kids now BIL is near by. AIBU to say enough is enough and also BIL needs to take some responsibility here?

I agree that the BIL is holding boundaries (my brother is staunchly NC with my mother and was the golden child - life was just as difficult for him, just in a different way)

Now you need to hold boundaries too.

My mother was relentless and did try to get info/updates/contact through us right when things kicked off, and we learned pretty fast that we say NOTHING - it's as if he vanished from the earth. We know nothing, we don't know an address or number or relationship status NOTHING - no point in us taking in gifts, or passing along messages because we don't see them (we do), it's easier now as the rest of the family is now NC and has been for several years - so I have a lot of practice.

We, like you, had an upswing in contact, drama and attention for a few years until she realised we really were a closed route to him. She tested the boundaries with fake illnesses, dramatic life events and so on. She dropped us like a hot rock when she finally saw it was just not going to happen.(I was secretly pleased, as at first, with the sudden flattery, niceness, positive contact and the charm offensive - I thought she was trying to promote me to golden child!)

Very well said!

I agree

You and your DH probably need to rethink BIL as the Golden Child. What dhe actually did was isolate one of her children from his father and siblings so she could groom him into being her support human. She probably saw him as her weakest, most controllable child. All her talk of him was to ensure your DH wouldn't wqnt to reconnect with him

His strength of character to escape that is admirable. That he chose to move closer to his family us a strong signal he wants, needs their love, understanding, acceptance. He wasn't responsible for what their mother chose to do to him.

YOU need to stop any communication with her. You say your DH says no and she then reaches out to you. She is using you. Anything you say or do will undermine your DH. Tell her no and mean it.

She sounds very lonely and needy now she has been left alone. DH and his sister need to work out for themselves if they want to let her into their lives and if so how far.

But your BIL has already made himself clear. He doesn't want to let her back in. You all should appreciate why. She has damaged him enough