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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Secret Santa my mum makes no effort because she drew me?

51 replies

Rainbowwarriorprincess · 11/12/2025 08:47

I organise a Secret Santa every year for my Family; me and my brother are grown adults and his partner (mine never joined) plus our mid seventies mum. She recently visited London where we both live to visit my brothers first and new baby, I had my daughter four years ago at the end of covid when people were vaccinated but she didn’t visit, waited 2 months till Christmas and still took no interest. With the recent visit she didn’t check if we were around for the visit and we were away so she didn’t see my daughter or me (only sees us once a year when we visit) I spoke to her about this and said I was upset and she should have checked and she apologised so I thought maybe we were getting somewhere. But she drew me for secret Santa this year and I just received a very low effort gift (a couple years ago people started writing in the platform what they want so I started doing that too and put down a candle) just received it and I know it’s from my mum as I organise plus the paperwork but she’s literally bought the £25 candle (we have a £40 budget not that you have to fill it) she had it sent to my house, no gift note no wrapping no care. I opened it and was confused till I read the paperwork, I don’t know if I’m being a spoiled baby but I feel like telling her that all this behaviour makes me so sad that I wonder whether I want a relationship with her at all, I’m so tired of it but feel like I can’t say anything as it just looks spoiled. AIBU?

OP posts:
Highlandgal · 11/12/2025 08:53

You asked for a candle and got one.

fruitypancake · 11/12/2025 08:54

Hi OP, I can see why this makes you feel sad. It feels to you that the effort , time and interest is just not there . I think I would feel the same and it sounds really hurtful . Sometimes it is hard when others behave in a way that we wouldn’t ( values don’t quite match up) . I think if it was my mum I would try and talk to her

SingaporeSlinky · 11/12/2025 08:55

Sorry no comment on the family dynamics but just to say I would end the Secret Santa. It seems a little pointless when it’s basically between a mum, a daughter and a couple. You’re only saving buying one gift, so why not just buy a small gift for your mum and a present for the couple? It’s not much of a ‘secret’ if you’re organising it and therefore know who is buying for who, and have wishlists set up.

glendabrownlow · 11/12/2025 08:58

what you have to understand is that it doesn't matter what you say or do to her, your mum will never change her attitude and behaviour. I suggest you stop expecting much from her. My parents were similar (worse).

paradisecircus · 11/12/2025 09:02

Sounds like there's a bit more going on than the candle. I agree though, end the Secret Santa.

Mayflower282 · 11/12/2025 09:08

Oof she sounds like a really shit mum. I’m sorry, you deserve better.

Brefugee · 11/12/2025 09:10

knock secret santa on the head.

Match her energy with visits and stuff and eventually you will probably be NC. If she ever asks, either be truthful (if you think you can handle it) or just dissemble.

Sorry, it does sound a bit rubbish to send a gift that isn't even wrapped.

lazyarse123 · 11/12/2025 09:13

That's really sad. Ignore the pp who said you got what you asked for. That's not really the point.
I too would end the secret santa and just put as much effort into your mum as she does for you. Unfortunately at this point she isn't going to bother so you need to make your peace with that.

NaranjaDreams · 11/12/2025 09:16

She’s never going to be any different. You can accept the level she puts in and be okay with it; or decide it’s not enough and walk away, but those are your only choices. You can’t make her put more effort in.

Can off the secret Santa though. Secret Santa for four people doesn’t work.

Alwaystired23 · 11/12/2025 09:18

Yes, I think that's a bit rubbish. I sent some family members who live in Canada gifts from amazon, but paid to get them gift wrapped. I guess there has been similar behaviour over the years, where she hasn't made much effort for you. I agree with other posters, stop the secret santa and match her energy. As sad as that is, concentrate on your daughter/ family, and brother if your relationship is good with him.

Ballondor · 11/12/2025 09:29

On the immediate issue, you asked for a candle and got a candle. Would it have been OK if it was a £40 candle? Of course not, because the issue is far wider than secret Santa and far wider than a candle.

Original poster
Rainbowwarriorprincess · 11/12/2025 09:45

Yeah it’s really not about the candle and it’s obviously not secret it’s more to reduce stress / stuff in the world and meant to be buy one nice thing rather than several bits of tat but I think I should stop it. I’m tempted to write on the family group that this isn’t what secret santa should be (unwrapped present no card) because my brother never acknowledges the disparity; my mum is shit to me whilst lavishing him and he doesn’t see it or doesn’t want to. So Im tempted to be petty about it, I’m just so fed up with the dynamics but everyone is right nothing I do is going to change them… it’s hard to accept

OP posts:
Wobblylegs1 · 11/12/2025 09:45

What’s her gift-giving history like for other people?
Maybe your mum doesn’t value giving and receiving gifts the same way that you do? I believe the term is ‘it’s not her love language’. Maybe she only makes an effort when children are involved?
But, she’s your mum, so I imagine you probably know whether gift giving is just a low-priority activity for her, or an indication of a lack of love and care for you. Does she show you care in other ways?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/12/2025 10:15

Hi OP

As others have said its clearly not about the secret santa, its about the million ways that your mum makes it clear she has a favourite. I suspect this has been going on your whole life? And you've always tried extra hard to get some approval? But now it's been extended to your daughter you've seen it for what it is - unfair and cruel.

You do need to try and accept that you won't change her, and try and emotionally distance yourself from her so it doesn't hurt you any more. Accept she will never be the mother you want or deserve.

So I wouldn't say anything about the candle. It isn't going to be a sudden revelation for her that she has treated you unfairly your whole life. She might apologise but maybe won't mean it and it won't be different next time. What's more likely is that she will think she has bought you what you asked for and that you're ungrateful, your sibling is never ungrateful and it won't make any difference

Use this as a turning point to put in the same effort for her as she puts in for you

174ghxt · 11/12/2025 10:15

I can see why you're hurt, OP, over the lack of effort with your daughter when she was born, not making the most of being in London recently by trying to see you as well, the candle etc.
On the other hand, you say you only visit her once a year, which also doesn't sound good, or conducive to the sort of relationship you seem to want.
So, just wondering why so few visits from you, whether she's always been so low energy with you, and whether she would say she felt loved?

sesquipedalian · 11/12/2025 10:25

OP, I can see this from both sides. I feel your pain over the unwrapped candle, but having ordered things in order to wrap them and re-post them, there are times when I feel that I am single-handedly keeping the post office in business! I’d mind more about the stinginess - if I were your DM, I’d have sent you two candles (£50) rather than be so far under. You also have every right to feel disappointed about your DM and your DC - as a grandparent, I’d walk over hot coals to see a new DGC. I know it’s still a source of irritation to my DDIL that my ex didn’t see his first grandson until he was over six months old. I wouldn’t give up a relationship with your DM, irritating though she clearly is, but I would opt out of the secret Santa next year.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 11/12/2025 10:36

You don’t need to blow this up- it won’t help you at all, they won’t suddenly realise they are awful and make more effort.

What you can do, is save your effort for yourself and people who make an effort too. So get her a generic basic gift.

You can also suggest doing secret Santa differently- instead of drawing the names, do a gift lucky dip. Everyone buys and wraps a gift. You then number the gifts and draw a number, and that’s the gift you get. No more favouritism.

I feel your pain. We did secret Santa and mum got me several sets of enormous white pants. Really enormous. So we don’t do that anymore. We’re putting small gifts in stockings instead.

TorroFerney · 11/12/2025 10:51

paradisecircus · 11/12/2025 09:02

Sounds like there's a bit more going on than the candle. I agree though, end the Secret Santa.

Agree, but it’s like the secret Santa is kind of a physical manifestation of the lack of effort generally . My mum is the same (well she wouldn’t even make the effort to go online to be honest). My mum gave my fil four cans in a carrier bag at a birthday meal like some kind of student party!

but yes why are you doing this? Stop torturing yourself and do normal presents.

TorroFerney · 11/12/2025 10:54

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/12/2025 10:15

Hi OP

As others have said its clearly not about the secret santa, its about the million ways that your mum makes it clear she has a favourite. I suspect this has been going on your whole life? And you've always tried extra hard to get some approval? But now it's been extended to your daughter you've seen it for what it is - unfair and cruel.

You do need to try and accept that you won't change her, and try and emotionally distance yourself from her so it doesn't hurt you any more. Accept she will never be the mother you want or deserve.

So I wouldn't say anything about the candle. It isn't going to be a sudden revelation for her that she has treated you unfairly your whole life. She might apologise but maybe won't mean it and it won't be different next time. What's more likely is that she will think she has bought you what you asked for and that you're ungrateful, your sibling is never ungrateful and it won't make any difference

Use this as a turning point to put in the same effort for her as she puts in for you

Completely agree, she will just frame it as you whinging and being awkward op. Dont mention doing it next time and see what happens. I have a tendency to be really thoughtful with my mums presents to kind of model to her what nice gift giving looks like but it just makes me more resentful and I’m just picking at a scab to feel some pain and justify to myself that she’s shit!

MorrisZapp · 11/12/2025 11:23

glendabrownlow · 11/12/2025 08:58

what you have to understand is that it doesn't matter what you say or do to her, your mum will never change her attitude and behaviour. I suggest you stop expecting much from her. My parents were similar (worse).

I agree with this. In contrast to all common advice, I think low level poor behaviour from the older generation should be completely ignored. They won't change, so there's nothing to gain by challenging it if all it will get you is sad face, tears and total incomprehension.

Sartre · 11/12/2025 11:26

I’m a little confused as to why you bother with a ‘secret’ Santa at all when it’s obvious who sent the gift. Just give one another gifts like regular people. Also, she got you what you asked for. £25 isn’t a cheap candle, it isn’t as if she sent you a £3 home bargains one.

LoveWine123 · 11/12/2025 11:30

Highlandgal · 11/12/2025 08:53

You asked for a candle and got one.

Is this how you give presents? You send an unwrapped item to the person without a card or a note?

OP, I would end the secret Santa. Is there a backstory to your relationship?

Original poster
Rainbowwarriorprincess · 11/12/2025 11:34

This is such a good idea and wow your mum I can’t believe she did that and I’m sorry! Definitely cut from the same cloth

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowwarriorprincess · 11/12/2025 11:39

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/12/2025 10:15

Hi OP

As others have said its clearly not about the secret santa, its about the million ways that your mum makes it clear she has a favourite. I suspect this has been going on your whole life? And you've always tried extra hard to get some approval? But now it's been extended to your daughter you've seen it for what it is - unfair and cruel.

You do need to try and accept that you won't change her, and try and emotionally distance yourself from her so it doesn't hurt you any more. Accept she will never be the mother you want or deserve.

So I wouldn't say anything about the candle. It isn't going to be a sudden revelation for her that she has treated you unfairly your whole life. She might apologise but maybe won't mean it and it won't be different next time. What's more likely is that she will think she has bought you what you asked for and that you're ungrateful, your sibling is never ungrateful and it won't make any difference

Use this as a turning point to put in the same effort for her as she puts in for you

yes wow exactly this thank you for understanding

if I speak up I’m the ungrateful/ bad kid yet again and my mum feels justified in carrying on treating us exactly the same as she always had it’s just exhausting I want her to fuckjbg give a shit for once but she’s not going to change

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowwarriorprincess · 11/12/2025 11:42

Yes I think I do this too, waiting for her be quietly shit yet again, it’s hard when all the other kids have doting grandparents. We have two self involved grandparents who make zero effort

OP posts: