Family Secret Santa my mum makes no effort because she drew me?

[Rainbowwarriorprincess]

I organise a Secret Santa every year for my Family; me and my brother are grown adults and his partner (mine never joined) plus our mid seventies mum. She recently visited London where we both live to visit my brothers first and new baby, I had my daughter four years ago at the end of covid when people were vaccinated but she didn’t visit, waited 2 months till Christmas and still took no interest. With the recent visit she didn’t check if we were around for the visit and we were away so she didn’t see my daughter or me (only sees us once a year when we visit) I spoke to her about this and said I was upset and she should have checked and she apologised so I thought maybe we were getting somewhere. But she drew me for secret Santa this year and I just received a very low effort gift (a couple years ago people started writing in the platform what they want so I started doing that too and put down a candle) just received it and I know it’s from my mum as I organise plus the paperwork but she’s literally bought the £25 candle (we have a £40 budget not that you have to fill it) she had it sent to my house, no gift note no wrapping no care. I opened it and was confused till I read the paperwork, I don’t know if I’m being a spoiled baby but I feel like telling her that all this behaviour makes me so sad that I wonder whether I want a relationship with her at all, I’m so tired of it but feel like I can’t say anything as it just looks spoiled. AIBU?

Before I had my DD I did an experiment to see what would happen if I didn't call my mum, we didn't speak for at least 4 months and regularly go for chunks without talking until I call to check in. But I honestly didn't realise how bad our relationship is until I had my DD and I found her lack of interest / care deafening in it's absence.

No. I wouldn’t but I wouldn’t indulge in secret Santa either especially one that’s not very secret

I’ve just read a version of this that is actually fun!

Do what I described, but as each person pulls a gift they can swap it one that’s already been drawn. It’s called ‘White Elephant’ apparently.

You could choose whether to do the swaps while still wrapped, or to open as you go so you know what you’re swapping for!

Start matching her energy.
Either knock secret Santa on the head next year, or make sure you get her name and gift according...I would suggest she'd love an unwrapped £25 candle ☺️

TBH £25.00 for a Candle seems mad to me! I think as we get older though ,presents for Adults are a bit of a bind .

I completely feel your heartache. If my parents ever did something for me, I would be punished after as they thought I wasn’t grateful enough or I don’t know but I wouldn’t be contacted for months after. For example, my 21st birthday. It was a joint one and apparently the other girls parents didn’t give much money towards it and that was my fault. My last big birthday I didn’t get a phone call or a text and when I said I was upset I didn’t hear from them, I got told I ruin everything and that she had sent me a gif on Facebook. My youngest was in hospital and diagnosed with a chronic condition which can be life threatening, never heard from anyone. I had text my mum and she replied but her messages after that were all about my uncle who had cut his leg. Never heard from her again. They are the sort of people who would be first on the phone to ask if Jimmy down the roads kids were ok and if they could do anything. It’s been nearly a year and that was the straw that broke the camels back for me.

How is that secret santa when you know who it is?
I think it depends whether this is just the sort of person she is or whether she would have made more effort with your brother.

We do family secret santa and we make a wishlist. I'd never be shocked/upset to recieve what's on the wishlist. Not sure I'm understanding that part.

Honestly it sounds like you cant win with her.

I think lower / remove expectations from her (it will make it easier if you expect her to be rubbish/ disappoint you). Then just quietly detach from it all and grey rock / medium chill. If challenged deny all knowledge and say everything is fine <bland smile>

Bland platitudes and direct your energy towards your own family.

Organise nice things and invite people who bring energy and happiness. Do not invote her. See her when it suits and doesnt require much energy / input from you.

The last Christmas gift I was given from my brother was a bottle of an obscure spirit in a duty free plastic bag. It’s that lack of effort & thought that really does it for me.
I’d rather just not exchange gifts when the gift is so deliberately effortless & he clearly couldn’t give the tiniest of shits.

this 💯%

i am trying to think of excuses for her that could explain things. Could she have sent the gift direct via amazon or some other retailer that delivers and that’s why it’s not wrapped? And shes included the postage in the total amount? And sending your card separately?
nope didnt think so. oh well i tried but there is no excuse for her. sorry op.

That's my mother too. I feel for you.

Sorry OP, but you put what you wanted and then she bought you it. While it would be nice for her to have gift wrapped etc this is clearly just upsetting you because of the wider concept which is that you feel she doesn’t love you.

Reminds me a bit of members of my family who are always having big reactions to small things because they can’t recognise that they’re yearning for something that they’re making even less likely to happen (emotional intimacy). It just ends up with everyone more upset and no additional love expressed.

You said you wanted a candle and she got you a really expensive one - so you can’t miss about that?

I don’t think you’re doing it right.
You can’t say a £40 limit but that people don’t have to fill it - someone is going to end up spending £5 and someone £40 - I am surprised this hasn’t caused issues before.

Set a £10 limit and don’t write a list.
If you want a candle, then you likely have one in mind and so buy things like this yourself.

I think YABU with the secret Santa gift as she’s given you exactly what you wanted but YANBU to feel sad about her lack of care and effort towards you.

This is such good advice op.

Someone has to draw the names if done remotely. So that person was the OP.

I feel very bad for you and have had similar pain with one of my parents.
You‘re understandably looking for validation about this behaviour from her and your brother. With love, you won’t find that recognition from them. You have it here on MN - and most importantly, you have it in yourself.
You are not unloved: you have a child, friends and other people in your life who love you. A quick trawl through Mumsnet will help you shatter the illusion that everyone else has perfect, loving families. It’s actually really rare. You are not a failure and you haven’t done anything wrong.
Drop the rope. Stop calling, stop visiting. Def stop talking to them and trying to get them to see. You’ll feel so much better when you do. If it’s flipped back to you, shrug and ask when they last visited/ called, etc.
I read an amazing quote this morning which was a 💡for me: exclusionary behaviour leads to exclusionary behaviour.
much love to you - have a wonderful Christmas. Look to those who make you feel good about yourself. ❤️

I really feel for you, but I do think this is a case of "you can't change other people's behaviour and you get the mum you get in the lottery of life". No, she's clearly not a warm, thoughtful, caring person and that absolutely sucks. I'm sure you're lovely and you do deserve a brilliant, caring mother who hunts out beautiful gifts, sends thoughtful things for your daughter and is there for you when you need her. Sadly, though, I don't think your mum is really doing anything wrong as such, it's clearly just who she is and what she does. It's not abusive to put limited effort into secret santa, or to badly plan a visit/not prioritise seeing you and her granddaughter. It's a bit thoughtless and you'd of course hope for better but I'm not sure you'll get it. My FiL is like this, I believe he's on the autism spectrum (as a relevant aside), and he just follows the logic a bit like your mum, so every year, everyone he knows gets given an amazon voucher. It's thoughtless but in his head, he's gone "must get gift, let's make it easy, this will be fine". He gets invited to things including by us and says, basically and bluntly, that he doesn't really fancy that activity/doesn't see the point in seeing us. DH and I have long since got past the point of seeing it as hurtful, people reap what they sow and your mother won't have a lovely relationship with you or her gd, she won't have regular visitors to care for her when she's old, and she'll miss the joy of a close bond. I think if you raise it with her, you won't be able to change her behaviour. If just saying it all aloud makes you feel better, go for it, but I expect you'll either get A) defensive outrage and the view you're ungrateful because you got the candle you asked for etc or B) tears and a very minor and short term change in behaviour followed by her going back to how she's always behaved, because that is who she is! It's sad that it's who she is and how she interacts with you, but I sincerely doubt you'll change it. You can only change your own behaviour, choose not to be hurt, get your support elsewhere, come to terms with having a bit of a rubbish mum, but she's a fully formed human who makes her own choices and it's not your job to make her be better. Manage the boundary, expect little of her and think how beautiful your relationship with your daughter will be in comparison.

She visits me zero times a year so I’m making more effort

25 quid for a candle and you're miffed? Did you want her to spend 40 on the same candle or something? You said you're a grown adult, but I'm finding that hard to believe.

A secret Santa between four people where you all say what you want sounds like the most joyless way of doing Christmas possible. Not to mention it’s two weeks until Christmas, and apparently it wasn’t even secret. And, frankly, I would struggle to spend £25 on a candle, let alone more than that!

In future, I would rethink the whole thing.

Bloody hell! That's your take away from OP's post? Smh

There's plenty of apps/websites that'll do it for you. Elfster is the one we use. Everyone signs up, it assigns everyone a person and then you make a wishlist.

One of my friends has a mother similar to yours. She has been mean with her time and money for years to both my friend and another daughter of hers.

Over the past few years there mother's behaviour has gotten worse. She shows very little interest in this daughter kid's unlike other grandkids. She has given her very little help over the years with her kid's.
Meanwhile my friend has had to listen to her mother complain about the cost of things for year's. Her mother has a good pension and savings.

A number of years ago they decided to have a secret Santa and agreed on x amount to be spent. This amount went up over the years. This year my friend decided she was not doing secret Santa.
Financially it did not suit her or her sister. Along with this she had enough of poor gifts, recycled stuff and no thought put into what her or her sibling would like. She decided that the rest of her family could still do this if they wanted.

My friend knows that her mother is not happy over this because having the secret Santa saved her money and ment she only had to buy for one person.
My friend has decided to step back from her mother as she has had enough of the poor behaviour and lack of interest. She is making plans for next year and I know if these happen her mother won't be happy.

In your situation I would stop the secret Santa for next year. Doing this means you can buy and spend what you like for each person. If you see something in the sales or a charity shop you can buy it and keep it aside for Xmas.

In regards to your mother I would just step back. If she is not willing to make some effort with you and your family now she can't expect that in the future you will be available for extra help or care to keep her in her own home.

Well yeah, it's what most of the post seemed to be about, including the title.

She doesn’t care about you

so mirror her energy and drop her, particularly if it’s always been that way. If she favours your brother then tell her she’s behaving disgracefully.

if she’s got any money, she’s leaving it to him anyway. But before that YOU are the one who will be expected to do the running around.

She’s a fucking arsehole, drop her