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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be miffed DD is going to German market?

32 replies

CandyColouredEggshells · 10/12/2025 18:16

I don’t even really know what to say here, DD (10) is going to Germany to visit the German market and, I dunno, do festive things with ExHB (her DF), his GF of about 18 months and her DS.

Not only am I still beating myself up because is he actually a nice guy now and was I the problem (I left what I’d describe as an abusive, toxic marriage)? She’s having 2 days off school and he’d NEVER have been ok with that when we were married. Is he really a new man and I was the reason he was so angry when we were together? But surely I don’t WANT him to be horrible and abusive to new GF to justify my divorce?

DD’s been understandably buzzing with excitement and telling me it might snow etc. and I just feel so weird about it all.

I don’t miss ExHB, I DEFINITELY don’t want to go to Germany with him or regret leaving him. But I feel sad that I won’t ever be able to do things like that with DD. A weekend in December would mean no abroad holiday in the summer (which I did super cheap as it was) and next year is looking doubtful. And taking a child abroad on your own as a single parent is no small task. I was knackered, and lonely all at the same time.

It’s a weird feeling of missing her and feeling like they’re a family and I’m a mess and she has more fun when she’s not with me.

OP posts:
ThisLittlePony · 10/12/2025 18:18

What’s the biggest fear? He’ll be abusive or she’ll have fun?

cestlavielife · 10/12/2025 18:19

Just be happy for her.
You will do somethi g with her next year

Original poster
CandyColouredEggshells · 10/12/2025 18:19

ThisLittlePony · 10/12/2025 18:18

What’s the biggest fear? He’ll be abusive or she’ll have fun?

It’s not a fear, I’m just really struggling with the emotions tbh, have sat and cried for about an hour.

OP posts:
ThisLittlePony · 10/12/2025 18:20

What’s driving these emotions? Is she with you now to see these tears?

Original poster
CandyColouredEggshells · 10/12/2025 18:21

cestlavielife · 10/12/2025 18:19

Just be happy for her.
You will do somethi g with her next year

I think I’m just being sensitive, and I just wanted to get it out (I don’t really have any friends since the divorce)

OP posts:
ThisLittlePony · 10/12/2025 18:22

But is she aware of the level of upset?

Original poster
CandyColouredEggshells · 10/12/2025 18:22

ThisLittlePony · 10/12/2025 18:20

What’s driving these emotions? Is she with you now to see these tears?

No, she’s with her dad ready for the off. Think I’m just sat home on my own on the run up to Christmas feeling sorry for myself 😂

OP posts:
LamonicBibber1 · 10/12/2025 18:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

toomuchfaff · 10/12/2025 18:23

Whatever is going on with your exHB and his new relationship, kindly you need to stop spiralling.

YABU.

You've left a toxic marriage where suddenly the toxic abuser seems to be living his best life - so what? You've said you dont want him back, so stop going over old ground, stop analysing what hes doing, who hes doing it with and stop guilting yourself it was all your fault. You're not in it anymore, what if you were toxic? Possibly, but youre looking back and wondering of it was your fault so you're definitely not the narcissist.

Be happy for your child. Until the situation means you are not.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/12/2025 18:25

Your reaction is very strange. It's like you're jealous that he's financially able to take her on a trip.
Whilst she's away get the rest of your Christmas sorted.

Createausername1970 · 10/12/2025 18:29

Ah, I am sorry.

You may not have been "the problem" you were quite likely mismatched and neither of you were happy.

Perhaps a different partner has brought different attributes to the table - different, not better - and he is able to act more rationally.

If this is the case, then don't beat yourself up about it, it's not your fault. If you can, view it as a positive that DD is going to have a better relationship with both of you separately than she might have done had you stayed together.

Sometimes a cry helps to let pent up emotions out. Hopefully you will feel more positive about it all by the time DD comes back and tells you all about it.

Elektra1 · 10/12/2025 18:34

I understand where you’re at. My ex-W left me for OW and now has what appears to be a nice blended family with plenty of money between them (both high earners). Two or three expensive holidays a year with the kids, lots of treats regularly. She also now does all the things which she would never do when we were married: school pick ups, kid sick days, cooking, etc. It does make me sad. But then I think: it’s nice for DD that she has this better version. It doesn’t take away from how much I love her or she loves me. Children are very able to appreciate that different people can afford different things. Quality time together, being really present with them, is I think genuinely what they remember - more than expensive experiences. Hopefully your DD gets that in both households. And you can have a little time to yourself while she’s away.

CamillaMcCauley · 10/12/2025 18:38

I totally understand. It’s rough when you’ve survived years in a relationship that’s abusive and/or toxic and struggled with feeling like your ex didn’t want to be a family. To then see him playing happy families with a new partner can make you feel like there was something wrong with you that you got treated like shit when the next woman is getting treated better.

The truth is that you’re only seeing the surface of things and to others, your relationship probably looked lovely (and maybe was in the first couple of years). Abusers very rarely change but it can take a long time for abuse to become obvious, both inside and outside the relationship.

It’s totally okay to feel sad and unsettled, but please trust in your daughter’s love for you, and that it’s not driven by the occasional overseas holiday. Take this time to focus on yourself and if it makes you feel better, to prepare some small extra ways to make your daughter’s Christmas feel special once she is back.

pointythings · 10/12/2025 18:40

Don't beat yourself up. This is all part of life after divorce. Sometimes we handle it well, other times we handle it badly. You're allowed a wobble. Use the time you have to relax, enjoy something that's for you even if it's just a highly child unfriendly film on a streaming service, and keep on keeping on. This too shall pass.

Hairylegs202S · 10/12/2025 18:42

It is hard, I've had this when my DS's dad was playing happy families with the new girlfriend. He wasn't abusive, but was a generally uninterested father, but could provide trips and treats that I couldn't.

I used to tell myself that at least my DS was safe with him, he's not an alcoholic or junkie - amazing how low the bar can be!

Summer holidays could be a bit lonely at night when DS was asleep - there are single parent holiday groups, where you can stay in a hostel or camp, I didn't do any, but wish I had! If you don't want to do the group thing, I'd suggest 5 days away max, easier than a week if you're on your own.

PandoraSocks · 10/12/2025 18:44

You're not a mess. Elektra1 is right. Your DD loves you regardless of what ever material things you can or can't give her.

Can you do something nice for yourself while she's away? Even if it's just a really indulgent but simple evening such as binge watching something and having a couple of nice things to eat or drink.

ChasingTheDuck · 10/12/2025 18:59

I sort of gets part of this. Mt ex would never go to the cinema or certain types of holidays and he now does those with his new wife. But he's still a nasty prick at times, I just don't have to deal with it.

In terms of holidays, in a single parent with a now 12 YO DD. We've done tons of solo holidays, aim for a couple of nights in a city break, rather than a weeks beach holiday, get her organising and looking at maps etc. my DD is now great at getting around (and has a better sense of direction). If you like theme parks have a look at Phastasia land in Germany. It's a great park, with tons of great stuff to do and easy to do with public transport.
Butlins has also been some of our best fun weekends too. Get a last minute deal room only, and take a toaster with you for basic breakfast stuff.

I get how lonely this time of year can be, be happy she's gone there and having a great time and then plan your own adventures for next year.

JLou08 · 10/12/2025 19:07

It sounds like you could be grieving the family life you wanted and it hurts to see your DD enjoying that with someone else? I think it's understandable, you do need to work on moving past that though. Do not wonder if you were the problem. Ex may still be abusive, it's not like people go shouting openly about being abused or even realise their in an abusive relationship. Maybe they do get on great, sometimes 2 people bring out the worst in each other, sometimes people learn and grow from the mistakes they made in a previous relationship. Him having a better relationship with someone else doesn't invalidate your experience of being in a relationship with him.

mummysmagicmedicine · 10/12/2025 19:09

Not at all being unreasonable and it’s natural for you to feel like that. Do something nice for yourself and understand it’s okay to feel like that but not act upon those emotions xx

Thoseslippers · 10/12/2025 19:16

Aww it's totally valid to feel as you do but obviously it is unreasonable to express it as you need to let your daughter go and have a fun time.
But I understand. My ex was a piece of shit who was violent to me and never took me anywhere. I saw him on Facebook a couple of months after we had broken up, on holiday in Milan with a new woman all happy and smiling. I couldn't get him to leave the country with me. And he wouldn't ever pose for photos with me. It hurts.
But really you are well rid. You know that.
It's nice for your daughter if he's genuinely chilled out. If it IS genuine. And you know it won't be about you if he has, or about his new girlfriend. Unfortunately some men just grow up a bit too late. And unluckily you have been in a relationship with them when they were awful. There's nothing you could have done or been.. they just hadn't sorted themselves out yet. Try not to dwell on it and focus on your own life. You may not have been able to do a Christmas market with your daughter but there's loads of other memories you'll have together over the years.

legoanddogtoys · 10/12/2025 19:25

You were not the problem. No one made him be abusive- even if you weren't right for each other it does not justify abuse. As pp said, it sounds like you are not missing him, but grieving for the version of family life that you would have liked and it appears he now has.

I think there are 2 possibilities for what's happening with him:

  1. He has realised he treated you badly, has learned from his mistakes and is trying to be a better partner to his new GF and create a better environment for DD when she's with him.
  2. He is trying to impress his new GF with what a lovely, fun, family man he is. Toxic, narcissistic men will do this. I bet he seemed wonderful to you when you first met.
Either way, you should congratulate yourself for getting out of an abusive relationship. Do something nice for yourself whilst DD is away, and maybe plan some new things for the 2 of you to do (doesn't have to be expensive) in the run up to Xmas that can become new mum and daughter traditions.
CagneyNYPD1 · 10/12/2025 19:32

I get it @CandyColouredEggshells

It’s not the same but my FIL made my lovely MIL very unhappy for many years. Financial and emotional abuse. She died in her early 70s after putting up with him for many, many years. They were both very unhappy together to be fair.

2 years later he met his now partner. And morphed into the best partner possible. She has brought out the best in him and they have a good life together full of fun trips and holidays.
There is an unspoken air of “Now he’s finally found happiness” and it sticks in my throat.

I have had to work very hard on not feeling anger towards him… if only he treated my lovely MIL as well as he treats his new partner. Why couldn’t he do that? He is clearly able to but chose not to. So I do get it. It’s important to acknowledge how you feel @CandyColouredEggshellsbut not wallow in those feelings.

BeaRightThere · 10/12/2025 19:33

Sometimes two people just bring out the worst in each other and it is possible that is what happened with you and your ex.

Of course it hurts to see him seemingly go on to create the lovely family life you wanted with him, but remember that you ended it for a reason and those reasons are no doubt valid.

If he has indeed become a better partner then that can only be a good thing for your daughter. I'm sure she loves her dad and it's great that she is excited for this trip. It's fine to feel sad that she's enjoying something without you, but don't let her know how you feel.

Your daughter loves you. You're her mother and I'm sure no matter how much fun she has, she will miss you and be eager to get back and tell you all about the fun she's had.

Maybe give yourself a night to feel sorry for yourself and then make some nice plans for the next couple of days. Treat yourself, even to something small. You deserve it.

JacknDiane · 10/12/2025 19:35

I feel for you @CandyColouredEggshellsFlowers

Endofyear · 10/12/2025 19:38

It's ok to feel sad about it and have a good cry as long as your DD doesn't see it and you plastered on a big smile and told her to have a wonderful time. What you've been through is hard! What you need to do is remember that you are her mum and you love her more than anything - you are her safe place and her security. However much fun and good times she has with her dad won't take away from that.

Plan for the future - you can still have fun days out, holidays and great times with your DD. It's not about money, it's about having the right attitude. Don't think of it as sad/tiring/lonely - think of it as your little gang of two having an adventure together! Invite her friends over and have pizza, cake and movie parties, invite their mums too and get to know them over a glass of wine while the kids play. Make your life what you want it to be and turn your thoughts away from the ex and his 'new life' which is probably not as rosy and perfect as you're imagining it to be. You've bravely left an abusive relationship and that shows you're strong and resilient. You're doing a great job so be proud of yourself 💐

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