AIBU to be miffed DD is going to German market?

[CandyColouredEggshells]

I don’t even really know what to say here, DD (10) is going to Germany to visit the German market and, I dunno, do festive things with ExHB (her DF), his GF of about 18 months and her DS.

Not only am I still beating myself up because is he actually a nice guy now and was I the problem (I left what I’d describe as an abusive, toxic marriage)? She’s having 2 days off school and he’d NEVER have been ok with that when we were married. Is he really a new man and I was the reason he was so angry when we were together? But surely I don’t WANT him to be horrible and abusive to new GF to justify my divorce?

DD’s been understandably buzzing with excitement and telling me it might snow etc. and I just feel so weird about it all.

I don’t miss ExHB, I DEFINITELY don’t want to go to Germany with him or regret leaving him. But I feel sad that I won’t ever be able to do things like that with DD. A weekend in December would mean no abroad holiday in the summer (which I did super cheap as it was) and next year is looking doubtful. And taking a child abroad on your own as a single parent is no small task. I was knackered, and lonely all at the same time.

It’s a weird feeling of missing her and feeling like they’re a family and I’m a mess and she has more fun when she’s not with me.

Kindly, this is a dangerous situation. You don’t want to end up dependent on her, that way features pain for both of you.

Remind yourself as much as you need to that it’s good that he’s sorted himself out and your DD is getting to have good experiences with him, as she does with you, and make it a priority to find some friends locally and start rebuilding your circle.

My ex took his new girlfriend on holiday to Turkey and in a balloon trip.

When we were together he couldn't even manage a card on my birthday.

Fuck him. It'll be cold and expensive, and the food won't be as good as you'd hope. Get fish and chips and take a walk/drive around to see the Christmas lights, or find a high spot for new years. Fancy trips are no more memorable than cheap fun anyway.

I get it’s hard to see if he didn’t arrange things like this when you were together, but you need to be happy for your dd that she is getting to have good experiences with her dad. It’s so beneficial for her to have opportunities like this, experiencing other countries and cultures, and bonding with her dad.

arop doubting yourself. It’s not all happily families op. Itll probably be over before you know it! Important thing is DD has fun and you get some time back. Really treat yourself! This is your new life now and it will be good.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I think I probably am being a tad unreasonable. I don’t not want her to go and have a good time, I think what PP’s have said is true and I don’t miss or regret leaving him, I miss the life I thought I’d got planned out, only he was horrid. Made me flinch, yelled at me until I cried sort of horrid (you wouldn’t think it from today but it takes a lot to make me upset lol!) and I find it hard to not feel like WTH when he’s playing happy families with his new GF. I don’t want him to yell at her either… it just does make you question whether you were the problem.

Me and DD do fun stuff together, but (think the post has been withdrawn) when PP was talking about going abroad, I did it because I wanted to, it was a 2 star with no lift and I thought I was going to pass out when I’d carried 2 suitcases to the room, that week apart from a waiter and whatnot I only conversed with my DD the whole time I was away, partly because I don’t like speaking to people because I’m convinced they’ll think I’m desperate/laugh at me after I leave because of what ExHB used to tell me. And I felt incredibly guilty for feeling lonely and fed up while we were away.

Anyway, I shall take advice from here and do something nice for me, and do some sodding wrapping! I do have a wonderful BF who has been so understanding and honestly has made me believe in good men again, but again it’s difficult because I don’t want to talk to him about it, I don’t want him to think I’m pining for my old life and so it all gets a bit confusing.

The majority of Adults who talk about tough childhoods 90 percent of the time talk about the lack of love not the materialistic things. Your daughter will probably enjoy the market, she'll rave about a present or two she might get in the future, but grown up dd will always remember the mother who loved her and protected her. The things you are worried about will fade and come and go. You are her mother, keep being there for her. That is what carries into adult hood. You are afraid you are losing her. You aren't.

She has given zero indication that she’s crying in front of her daughter.