Dh and I have got used to being misers - difficult spending even though we have more money now

[Kassadee]

Dh and I have spent every spare penny towards his training to be a pilot. It meant we scrimped and saved for many years. He had a decent starting salary of £50k about 4 years ago. But so much of his salary went to repaying loans. So even when he was on okay money we were cash poor. We lived off beans and lentils. Camping holidays etc.

Dh has had a couple of promotions since and is on a very decent salary now. I also work and we are comfortable. The thing is we just have become massive misers. We don’t like spending money at all. Ordinarily for Christmas we’d get some nice food and wine in and call it a day. Gifts to families were homemade cookies and my world famous jam.

We said this will be the first year where we push the boat out. No expense spared. But we genuinely cannot bring ourselves to spend money. I went in to Next with my mum to buy decorations for the house and I just could not bear to spend so much on a Christmas cushion for example. Even the things in The Range seem extremely expensive for what it is. I remember getting stuff for my bedroom when I was much younger. I genuinely think I am just not used to inflated prices associated with the COL these days. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve properly shopped.

Just wondering if anyone else has ever had this experience. I really want to be able to buy stuff without feeling guilty. We need to retrain our brains. Or something.

I wanted to buy my dad a nice jumper, quarter zip thing and a gift for his cat. £45 + £8! ASOS and not posh brands at all! It’s still sat in my basket.

Went Christmas shopping with a friend to a famous outlet and genuinely did not buy a single thing.

I hate being like this. My house still has no decorations cause I just find buying stuff hard. I would love a nicely decorated home.

I would love to turn up to my sister’s house with a box full of toys for my nieces and nephews but actually buying the stuff makes me feel so guilty.

I was never like this before 😩

My experience OP is that I was brought up in a home where money was always in short supply - my father had a good job but he was supporting a family of 5 on his income and my mother was absolutely rubbish at budgeting . We got by with short term loans at the end of the month from my gran and there were never ending arguments about money.

So throughout my adult life I have always been very economical. Looking for the bargains and feeling guilty about spending money on myself. It's how my upbringing conditioned me to be.

I'm not wealthy now but I have savings and money to spare. But as you are finding I find it difficult to spend it.
So I empathise with your experience.

£45 is not that expensive for a jumper. I think you need to adjust your expectations.

If i struggle with a price i think how much will i wear or use it .Those decorations may seem expensive now but you will use them for years if your dad wears jumpers like that he will gets lots of use out of it . If you still cannot bring yourself to spend it try charity shops or the sales after christmas just to get use to buying things.

Buy the jumper! Start there. Will be nice to buy someone you love a gift, no? I think the only way to change your ways will be to actually start buying things. You don't have to be excessive, or buy things for the sake of it... but not buying proper presents for your loved ones seems incredibly tight if you can now afford it.

You are totally out of sync of the reality of what things cost now.

You need to just immerse yourself in shops and then the prices will seem more normal.

Another way to do it is to allocate £x.to a spending pot and that way you now it's capped.

We are very comfortable financially but I don’t like waste or buying too much new stuff all the time. So I buy a lot second hand from Vinted and Depop. A lot of stuff is nearly new or even brand new with tags. Facebook marketplace is also good. Might make you feel better buying second hand, even just to start off with

I'm the same OP. It's taken me a long time to get out of the habit of thinking about every penny.

I will never be a frivolous spender, but I now think about the value of what I'm buying.

I wouldn't buy a Christmas cushion from Next for example, because we have a collection of homemade decorations I treasure more.
But if I could afford £45 on a jumper and I knew my Dad would love it, then I would buy it. I wouldn't buy it "just because".

I think the secret is to buy one thing at a time. the next thing is easier :)

Okay lets break this down into parts!
So decorations: you can make some wonderful decorations yourself, there's loads of fabulous craft ideas out there at the moment, think of it as a halfway house! You can buy a cheap pack of coloured paper and make paper chains and put them up and start there. Its a toe dip!

Presents:
Agree with the poster above, try to think of it like you are buying the person something they will need and re-use repeatedly, its just that you are spending a bit extra so that its new and 'special' to them. So yes, £45 on a jumper. But he might have that jumper for 10 years and wear it 50 times a year! And he will love that you picked it out for him. Same with the cat toy - you are making an animal happy! Try and focus more on the outcome than on the outlay. But be gentle with yourself - if it feels too much, shop around, have a look on Vinted etc. Then sit and have a think about it.

Would it help for you to figure out an overall 'budget' for christmas and then work out how you are going to fit things into that budget - so in the past you might have had £50 extra for food and jam ingredients, so you planned what you were going to buy where accordingly, except now you can spend £400 or whatever. So its familiar territory, but with one step in the right direction sort of thing.

Meet yourself halfway, is the point im making - its not silly to need to ease yourself into it!

Oh, this is familiar!

We decided a year ago that we were going to start spending some of our savings. We’re retired, we are lucky enough to have reasonable and index-linked pensions, and my husband has a life-limiting illness so won’t have high care costs.

We went on two expensive holidays, and I’ve fretted myself into conniption fits about the cost ever since. I’ve booked something nice for my 70th birthday next year, and am already scrimping to pay for it, even though I have more than enough money in the bank.

I'm a bit like this. After becoming a bit more financially comfortable a few years ago, I decided to go to the garden centre and buy some nice plant pots. I even mentioned to my husband I was not going to worry about the price before we went. Incidentally he is the same with (not) spending money as me. We get to the garden centre see some lovely pots, see the price, look over at my husband and I say "well I'm not buying them the price is ridiculously expensive!" We did eventually buy some after giving ourselves a good talking too.
We do however continue to resist buying material things though we have a much more relaxed attitude to spending on holidays and eating out. I expect it's habit and doubt we will ever change!

I actually dont see this as being such a bad thing, though obviously it is making you feel uncomfortable, so that needs addressing. Just because you are earning more money, it doesn't mean you should go out and spend lots of money on lots of stuff that isn't really needed or valued. There's no harm in saving the extra money for now, and giving yourself time to work out what you really want to do with it, whether that is improving the house, travelling, retiring earlier, or treating your family.

We earn plenty of money but I would personally see a christmas cushion as a waste (if you really love it, then fine, go for it, but dont fell like you have to buy that stuff!). Same with armfuls of gifts for children - I only buy one gift for neices and nephews, there's only so much stuff they will appreciate at once. I would buy the nice jumper for your dad though. £45 isn't that much if you really like it and think he will enjoy it. So don't be "mean" to dont feel bad about not spending money all the time either. I still do stuff like buying the cheapest brand of canned beans. I don't know why. But I dont think there is any harm in it! If I think that something really makes a difference then I will pay for it.

Oh I've definitely had this experience!

I was broke for a lot of my 20s. Nothing more complicated than just working in the arts but there was a lot of scrimping, saving, scraping pennies together for rent, that sort of thing. (While at the same time getting a fair few luxury experiences, trips and items for free.) Definitely learned to be frugal, save money absolutely wherever I could... and I learned what I needed, what I truly wanted, and what cost money but that I neither needed nor wanted.

I'm comfortable now but those frugal habits have never left me. DP is frugal by nature too - he knows what things are worth and has a keen sense of value for money.

I don't really see it as a problem. I don't think being frugal is bad. I couldn't bear to spend any money on a Christmas cushion either - I don't want it, I don't need it so why would I spend money on it?

I do spend money, and sometimes even splurge, on things I know I'll really, really love. Fancy restaurants are the luxury I'm most happy to indulge in. Honestly being broke forces you to have real taste, because you can't afford to waste money on something you don't really enjoy - you should pat yourself on the back that you don't care for Christmas cushion tat at generic retail outlets.

Check that basket of gifts for your dad and his cat out though. I'm not a big gift person but when I started having money it was the nicest thing being able to treat my loved ones properly.

I am a bit like this although not to the same extent. We are comfortable financially but I don't enjoy spending money on "stuff". However in my case I do spend on "experiences" such a as a meal out or trip to the theatre, so I think it's maybe because I was brought up in a very minimalist home.

I think the answer is not to force it. There's no point in buying a Christmas cushion if you won't enjoy it. Over time, you will probably get used to spending a bit more. Let it happen gradually.

I think it is the poor value for money that is the issue now, especially with clothing where something pretty low quality can easily cost £50+.

I deal with it by buying higher quality items 2nd hand instead, it is much better for the environment too.

I get this. I find going into shops like The Range overwhelming as there is just so much stuff, a lot of it plastic tat which will end up in landfill. Plus it’s expensive for what it is.

I made a rule that something has to be both beautiful and functional or I buy secondhand from Vinted or charity shops apart from shoes (I try to buy the best I can as they last longer). I’ve picked up some really nice unique things like plant pots and original artworks from charity shops.

Your husband could lose his medical tomorrow and be out of a job. Put the sweater back on the shelf and keep the money in the bank. Your first instincts are the best.

We are a bit like this, so I set a new budget category for ‘absolute frippery’. I have to spend it and have slowly increased it to enough to buy nice things we don’t need.
I have all the other budget categories sorted, gas, electricity, food, petrol, holidays, insurance and all the other necessary things.
You now need to learn to spend the money you have earned and enjoy it without guilt. It needs practice

I think it might help to draw up a household budget.

I use the YNAB app but I'm sure there is other good budgeting software or a spreadsheet would do. You then "give every £ a job" putting this money into YNAB "categories" - an electronic version of the cash into envelopes approach.

The following figures are just for illustration so your own figures could be half as much or many times as much of course.

So together you and your partner might decide to put 5% of your income into long term savings.
You put all your bills/mortgage into the budget.
You might save £300 into "cars" for MOTs/insurance and car replacement.
You might put £100 each month into "my needs" or break this down further into clothes/hair/beauty or whatever.

You might save £100 each month for Xmas.
You might have £300 a month for eating out and leisure.

The new year would be a good time to start your budgeting. By the summer comes round and you want a haircut and some summer clothes (and would feel guilty about buying what you need) you would have £600 waiting in your "my needs" pot for exactly that purpose. When Christmas 2026 rolls around you would have a dedicated pot of £1200. You might not need all of that for presents but you could buy your Xmas food with it too, visit a Christmas attraction, buy yourself some winter boots.

The idea of budgeting is that your budget reflects your priorities - so if you don't value expensive clothes but would love a posh holiday you put only a little each month towards clothes and a lot towards your holiday.

With buying gifts for relatives I think you need to match their energy. If you buy expensive stuff for people most would feel obliged to buy you expensive stuff in return. If your wider family are happy with modest gifts best not to escalate too much. Equally if they spend a lot you will appear tight if you do give them a box of cookies while they are buying cashmere sweaters for you (now your household is earning well).

My mum has shed loads saved in the bank. She has cognitive impairment and has little by way of fun these days. She wouldn’t even realise she needed to buy something. All her money is being spent on full time care as she’s not safe to be left alone. She hates it. She could have spent so much more doing fun things whilst she was able and still have something left in the bank. Don’t put yourself in financial difficulty but don’t be like my mum.

I understand what you mean OP.
I grew up in a single-parent household which everybody assumed was privileged but wasn’t, every penny was monitored. Then due to ill health my earnings have been checkered. DH earns well but I can’t help but try and prepare for ‘if something happens’, as it can.
Added to this our society seems to worship commercialism now, and I just can’t buy into it. I’d love to receive homemade cookies and jam far more than shop bought stuff. Your handmade effort if far more valuable than money.
How about if you want to buy stuff try online charity shops instead. Lots do excellent brand new ranges.
Have a happy Christmas with or without spending.

I sympathise, OP. I’m similar. Grew up very poor, now comfortably off but still struggle to spend money, particularly on non-essentials. To be honest, I wouldn’t buy a ‘Christmas cushion’ either because I don’t waste money on pointless tat. I don’t regularly buy cups of coffee, either.

But I do spend money on things which I enjoy & which actually benefit me. Nice wine & holidays, for example. There must be things which you actually want, or would like to do, or places you would like to go? Choose something, whether it’s a pair of shoes or a spa day or a weekend in Barcelona. Whatever you are actually going to enjoy. Then just buy it, then enjoy it, then you will see the benefits of spending on things you enjoy & it will get easier.

You aren't the only one OP. I'm just emerging from the years of being a single mum with a mortgage. For the last 16 years, I've only bought necessities. Nothing for me. Certainly not Christmas cushions etc.

Being comfortable will take some getting used to.

Oh, another good rule for spending money I've found is to think about where the money is going and who it's supporting.

I'm very happy to spend money on music, theatre, books, art galleries - especially independent ones. I'll throw restaurants in there too. I want to live in a society where the arts and the hospitality industry can thrive and given the choice I'll spend my money on those rather than tat sold by corporate chains.