Dh and I have got used to being misers - difficult spending even though we have more money now

[Kassadee]

Dh and I have spent every spare penny towards his training to be a pilot. It meant we scrimped and saved for many years. He had a decent starting salary of £50k about 4 years ago. But so much of his salary went to repaying loans. So even when he was on okay money we were cash poor. We lived off beans and lentils. Camping holidays etc.

Dh has had a couple of promotions since and is on a very decent salary now. I also work and we are comfortable. The thing is we just have become massive misers. We don’t like spending money at all. Ordinarily for Christmas we’d get some nice food and wine in and call it a day. Gifts to families were homemade cookies and my world famous jam.

We said this will be the first year where we push the boat out. No expense spared. But we genuinely cannot bring ourselves to spend money. I went in to Next with my mum to buy decorations for the house and I just could not bear to spend so much on a Christmas cushion for example. Even the things in The Range seem extremely expensive for what it is. I remember getting stuff for my bedroom when I was much younger. I genuinely think I am just not used to inflated prices associated with the COL these days. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve properly shopped.

Just wondering if anyone else has ever had this experience. I really want to be able to buy stuff without feeling guilty. We need to retrain our brains. Or something.

I wanted to buy my dad a nice jumper, quarter zip thing and a gift for his cat. £45 + £8! ASOS and not posh brands at all! It’s still sat in my basket.

Went Christmas shopping with a friend to a famous outlet and genuinely did not buy a single thing.

OP I grew up like this and couldn't spend money for many years because of the guilt. You are trying to make too big of a leap and you get so uncomfortable that you end up not doing it.

Start smaller. Do your usual Christmas gift plus a small extra which you wouldn't normally do. I'm afraid it is going to be uncomfortable until you get used to it. After Christmas you try and do this for yourself every now and then and slowly increase. What is a nice treat for yourself you would never have bought previously? For me it's salmon. I just didn't think that I am someone who would regularly buy salmon. It felt like a different world. I buy it a lot now but it's still a treat and I can't believe how lucky I am.

Over time you figure out what is worth it to you. You will probably always like a good deal and want your money's worth. There is nothing wrong with it. Nice things are also on offer sometimes. I bought Christmas mugs this year for £20 each on offer. So something nice but I still got a deal.

Try to gradually frame it as looking after yourself and nurturing yourself. Because that's what it is. You can't live off love. Life costs money. A nicer life costs more money.

In my experience having to live frugally, going round the shops with a calculator and putting stuff back frugal, I enjoy the small treats the most. I can pick up a bottle of wine if I fancy it. I can invite my friend round and cook something nice or order us both a takeaway. I can't get into spending money on stuff for the house I don't need.

Most of my Xmas decs are homemade or second hand. I did do a Jysk shop one year when we were starting to do better and bought about £50 worth of stuff. I would never by a Xmas cushion from Next. Or anywhere really. Why don't you put money to one side and get some decs in the sales.

I would absolutely buy the jumper for your dad if you think he will like it and will wear it.

I think not buying stuff is a good thing. People just buy tat & clutter their houses. However, I’d spend on experiences that you’ll enjoy. Theatre, meals, holidays etc. Otherwise what’s the point of earning the money?

Op you need to divide your money up

So once everything you are happy with being in savings and investment and other expenses, set aside money for fun!
Then you wont feel guilty spending it because it's set aside to be spent.

I was brought up in a way that I considered to be totally normal - be careful with money

So things like buying a coffee for the office passed me by. Taking a packed lunch in was completely normal.

I find that I still can't spend money on stuff. Also, something like decorating for Christmas, we would just take out the same stuff and use it every year. I'm 49 and I think that's pretty normal in generational terms.

For an actual gift, yes, I could spend that money, but I think it depends whether you would buy them a random gift for no reason. If you feel obliged to do so for Christmas, then it is a bit different.

My parents also stopped me buying Christmas gifts for them absolutely ages ago - the pointless exchange of money, etc.

if you actually want the Christmas cushion, buy it. If you don't, then don't.

I don't actually think this is something to worry about. It's not like you're saying you won't put the heating on if you're cold and wearing three layers?

In that regard, one of Mum's friends got pneumonia last year and paramedics were called when he collapsed. They were shocked at how cold the house was and they talked to his daughter about it. She doesn't live there and she cannot persuade him to put the heating on.

Honestly, he can afford to heat the house several times. So that's definitely got into problematic territory!

I wouldn't buy a Christmas cushion either and I'm a bit of a spender 🤣 I think it's important to work out what you value, for example I love food and wine, so I am spending quite a bit on meals out and I got 8 bottles from the indie wine merchant. I also spend a lot on my family and holidays, but I don't really care for clothes so buy a lot second hand or just don't buy many. I spend virtually nothing on homeware as I'm just not interested. I think start treating yourself on things you really enjoy, not what you think everyone else is buying!

Would it help if you set aside a monthly budget for fun stuff once needs and savings are covered? It doesn't have to be large.

Also, could you think in terms of value for money rather than price? For example, there are certain things that might be worth paying more for e.g. coats, shoes and knitwear.

What about allocating a total budget. Then increase it by 10% and try that this year. And going to shops in the morning when it’s quiet and actually touching the items is a better experience than online I find

I don't think it's such a bad thing and you will feel different over time.
I was brought up in a family with very little money in the 60s, as was DH. We have been fairly comfortable since our 20s but always remained careful on spending. Never borrowed money, bought a house well below what we could have afforded, never bought the latest gadgets or phones.
When I went part time after having DC I was a bit too cautious about spending money but gradually got used to it.
We did however spend money on some things such as good quality food and holidays and the DC.
Our DC have grown up now but have very similar attitudes to money, savers not spenders. When DS2 got a large promotion and pay rise at 24 he said "there'll be no lifestyle inflation" and he's largely stuck to it.

OP, let yourself relax into it slowly. Spend on some things and keep your frugal habits on others. It will stand you in good stead long term.

You need to push though the initial discomfort. You're in a great position because you know you can afford it, so the only thing stopping you is the anxiety and discomfort of spending.
Remind yourself of your goals - having a nicely decorated house, surprising your nieces.and nephews, treating your dad and his cat etc
Nothing bad is going to happen now if you spend money. Push yourself to just do it.