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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s ok to feel like this, right ? Kids- childcare vs present parent?

33 replies

itsokisntit · 09/12/2025 21:31

I have been thinking recently about what’s best for my kids, if there is a choice of more time with us/ me or more time in a child care setting / with grand parents.

My H and I have become accustomed to a nice lifestyle. Pre kids and now post kids as well. We have careers and high ambitions and expectations from life- financially speaking. We make good money, but we have the lifestyle and costs that come with it.

to follow my career and continue making the amount of money I made pre kids, meant I’ve had to travel sometimes / late nights/ use Nanny’s etc etc / not do pick ups and drop offs- you get the gist.

same with my H. We work around it to be able to maintain our high paid jobs and careers.

is it worth it though ? I could easily take a step down ( I’m considering ) and make a bit less, but be able to spend more time with my children. Yes, we’d need to make some sacrifices - but I think it’s worth it. We’d still have a good life, but just a little bit less money and a bit more time with the children.

I think this just makes sense. I don’t want nanny’s or grandparents to care for my kids on a regular basis because I can’t pick them up. Or for them to be at granny’s house when they’re sick.

I don’t want to do this anymore and I’m fine to take the hit financially. I make less than my H btw and I’m not saying I won’t work - but I’m looking to step into a less demanding role. You only get one life and I’m missing my children’s lives. They’re only young once. These years will pass.

Some people don’t have a choice, they can’t make ends meet. We have a choice. I could work a less demanding role and we could scale back on the extras and still be able to have a good standard of living.

I feel like I’ve been just plodding along, trying to make all this money and I’m hurting inside. I hurt to see my kids tell me they miss me and why can I not pick them up. I have a choice, I just need to move into a less demanding role.

they’re 3 and 5.

I know everyone will say, why doesn’t my husband step back ? It’s not about that. It’s about me. I want to step back. I want to be with my kids. They need me. Two big jobs are hard to maintain whilst having young kids- they suffer.

Since I’ve had kids I have had periods where I was in less demanding roles/ or briefly not in work and I am so much happier and so are they during those times.

recently I was made redundant and I’m therefore looking around again and really thinking what is the right thing to do now and I think chasing just the money just isn’t it anymore. Has anyone else done this ? Thoughts ?

OP posts:
HoneyParsnipSoup · 09/12/2025 21:32

What’s stopping you though?

valhelen · 09/12/2025 21:33

Do it OP, you won’t regret it

Original poster
itsokisntit · 09/12/2025 21:33

Nothing. I just wanted to understand if others felt the same / have been in the same situation.

if it’s reasonable to think this way or if I should keep chasing the money.

OP posts:
Sohelpmegod25 · 09/12/2025 21:34

I’ve stepped back I used to have a big job but now my priorities have changed my theory is that I can always get a differnt job when they’re older but I can’t get this time back x

Shoestalk · 09/12/2025 21:36

Spend as much time as u can with your kids they grow up in the blink of an eye and you will miss and regret those years you weren't there for them when u could have been.

ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe · 09/12/2025 21:38

As a SAHM that earns nothing, but has huge amounts of time with my children I would always go for the ‘time’ option. This feels like a huge luxury I know and most people can’t just not work. We do make sacrifices, high earning partner but of course we could have ‘more’ if I worked, holidays, cars, nicer house etc. but for us, at this stage of our lives we would rather be poorer, less stressed but with more time with the children (the biggest cost here is probably the detrimental cost on my career prospects)

DriedHydrangea · 09/12/2025 21:39

If you’re just chasing money you don’t need, I don’t see why not. My work is hugely important and meaningful to me, and I wouldn’t dream of stepping back from it, before or after I had a child, but you don’t sound as if you find your work particularly important?

CypressGrove · 09/12/2025 21:39

I think as long as you aren't making yourself financially vulnerable then do it.

Thegirlsdidtheirownthing · 09/12/2025 21:40

I agree. I have an easy job with a good wage but no inclination to push any further up the chain at the moment. Current job offers WFH, flexibility and time with kids and no amount of money would make me give that up at the moment. DH has a great paying job but very little flexibility and no WFH. It is hard to manage if both parents have jobs like that, especially if like us you have no family support.

letitallopen · 09/12/2025 21:41

I think it depends exactly what you envision doing, to be honest.

I am a teacher. My colleagues will often lament the job (with good reason I might add) but I do hear these sorts of things a lot I’m not saying I won’t work - but I’m looking to step into a less demanding role

Some roles that are ‘not demanding’ actually are bloody hard work, not flexible, anti social and poorly paid. I know some of my colleagues see stacking shelves at Tesco as living the dream; it isn’t.

I personally would always recommend part time work if you can but that’s for your benefit and not just your children’s. Full time work and parenting as well is absolutely gruelling.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 09/12/2025 21:43

Personally I chose to step back and work 3 days rather than continue to progress my career. It was because wanted to be around for my kids, at least some of the time. They’re now in the final years of secondary school and I don’t regret it.

Londonrach1 · 09/12/2025 21:44

Childhood is so quick.. honestly time with children over money any time. You won't regret it. You will never regret the time spent with children especially when they young.

Downplayit · 09/12/2025 21:45

Absolutely do it. No hesitation. You get stuck in a world where you nees to earn money for the relaxing holidays and nice clothes but the reality is that when life is less shit you don't need those things. You have an opportunity to make your whole families life's better including your DH. I lost all ambition when my children were that age. Expected it to return when they were older and I'm so happy it hasn't. I'm self employed in a job I love, earn enough for a good standard of living and more importantly am not constantly stressed and rushing around.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 09/12/2025 21:45

YANBU. I’m sorry to hear you have been finding things upsetting emotionally.

I never returned to my teaching career when I had my eldest (now 7). It was the best decision I’ve ever made. I have felt truly happy and fulfilled as a SAHM to my two (youngest is 4). I love having so much time with them, being fully present for all the highs and lows. We have made so many memories, I knew that I would never tolerate missing a school event, not being there with them at home when they are ill, etc.

Society currently champions careers and personal achievement over family, but I have my own values and have always done my own thing.

If you are hurting (understandably) and craving more time with your children, go ahead and enjoy every moment- they are yours, after all 🥰

LadyVioletCrawley · 09/12/2025 21:45

I remember when DS was little telling me about someone in his class who went to Disney every year and why couldn’t we. I said if I went back to work full-time we’d be able to do that. He said no don’t do that, I want you to collect me from school. It’s those things kids remember.

Archibaldperegrine · 09/12/2025 21:45

It’s a very personal decision, OP. Only you can decide which compromises work best for you and your family.

My children are similar ages to yours. I was very career focused before they came along, but have been very happy to step sideways in my “big” (ish) job order to prioritise spending time with them. My sister had her eldest at a similar time to me, and has continued to work a very full on job with lots of paid outsourcing. She has a lot more money than me (though we are financially fine, so I recognise the privilege in my choices) but I would not want to parent in the same way as she does. I don’t think either of us is wrong or right.

Ambridgefan · 09/12/2025 21:45

Your children will only be small and needing you more than anyone else for a few short years. Before you know it they will be grown up
If you are able to, spend as much time as you can with them while they need you, you won't get that time back. Work is just work.

schoolfriend · 09/12/2025 21:46

Someone once said to me, “you wouldn’t believe how little time you get before they don’t want to hang out with you anymore, they just want to be with their mates.” Right now they are desperate to hang out with you so I’d make the most of it

Edictfromno10 · 09/12/2025 21:47

I stepped back and went part time to be with my kids, I love being able to drop off and pick up my son several times a week and spend that time with him. Obviously it's an individual choice based on your circumstances, but follow your mothering instinct/gut if you can!

Thewhywhybird · 09/12/2025 21:50

If this is what you would like to prioritise and you can afford to do it, then go for it.

TrixieFatell · 09/12/2025 21:52

I've been very lucky enough to work part time and still earn a decent wage. It has meant we havent had more money but we live comfortably and I have been able to have a great work life balance. I did work full time for a bit when I was studying (I'm a midwife) but I hated it. My children were in after school, days were rushed etc. I went part time as soon as I qualified and never regretted it. I get to attend school events easily and enjoy my days at home.

When my youngest starts secondary I may do an extra day. We shall see.I

britinnyc · 09/12/2025 21:57

It’s a hard choice, I did this when my kids were young and not sure I would make the choice again, I didn’t love the days I spent at home all day with them and when they were older and I was able to work more it wasn’t as simple as adding hours back, there was a major impact to my career. My kids are almost out of the house now and my career is good but I do still feel like I am a step behind where I should be. It has never been about money as much as what I want to achieve. Maybe I just see it differently now?

MsCactus · 09/12/2025 21:59

OP I would say go for it - but don't make the mistake of thinking jobs that pay less = less demanding. I've actually found the more senior my job, the more pay and responsibility yes, but also the more flexibility over my time - meaning I can be there for the kids when it matters.

I wonder if a sideways step would be better for your next move, rather than a "step down" which might not be any less demanding... Or part time work?

TimetodoEverything · 09/12/2025 22:14

I worked 3 or 4 days when my DC were small but very demanding clients - so I’d also work every evening (into the early hours) and whenever I could snatch time at weekends.

I took a less well paid but full time job (with a longer commute) when they were 3 and 5. A sideways step, completely different type of role. And got a nanny. Plus DH stepped up even more,

The less demanding but full time job was (still is) a million times better than the part time job. Despite not having time off in the week I feel as though I’ve been around more. Since Covid WFH some of the time makes it even easier.

So be careful what the job is as well as the hours of the job. I always found part time the worst of both worlds.

I would also add that the loss of money was more difficult than I expected. I thought it wouldn’t matter and I wouldn’t care, but when I couldn’t afford anything for myself for a couple of years until nursery was over, it was a different matter. I was still earning well but train fare and the extra childcare, and we’d recently moved house, meant I didn’t have a lot left. I also felt obliged to take the financial hit instead of DH, which was silly as I still earnt more than him.

Sonolanona · 09/12/2025 22:15

I never had a 'good career' as a Forces wife it was difficult..every time I got going, dh would get sent somewhere and so I made the decision to stay at home. We weren't well off (still aren't although ok) but I never regretted it, and would do the same again... in fact I gave up working full time (again!) to look after my grandson!
It goes by SO fast.. so incredibly fast. You blink and they are teenagers (who also need you a LOT...just don't want to hang out with you so much!). Blink again and they are adults and you wonder when that happened!

My best friend and I did the baby years at home together. She then went back to a high profile career and is probably one of the top women earners in the UK. I didn't. Her kids went to great boarding schools because she and her DH were away a lot, Mine went to state schools and didn't have many holidays and all the extras. But they had enough... and the things they remember isn't the trip to Disney we did, but camping trips, Dad burying them on the beach, us piling into the car after school on a sunny afternoon to go looking for sea shells... me being there if they were ill, or sad, or struggling with homework.

If you can go part time and keep a foot in your career for later... absolutely. But I genuinely think having one parent mentally and physically available to children really matters.