It’s ok to feel like this, right ? Kids- childcare vs present parent?

[itsokisntit]

I have been thinking recently about what’s best for my kids, if there is a choice of more time with us/ me or more time in a child care setting / with grand parents.

My H and I have become accustomed to a nice lifestyle. Pre kids and now post kids as well. We have careers and high ambitions and expectations from life- financially speaking. We make good money, but we have the lifestyle and costs that come with it.

to follow my career and continue making the amount of money I made pre kids, meant I’ve had to travel sometimes / late nights/ use Nanny’s etc etc / not do pick ups and drop offs- you get the gist.

same with my H. We work around it to be able to maintain our high paid jobs and careers.

is it worth it though ? I could easily take a step down ( I’m considering ) and make a bit less, but be able to spend more time with my children. Yes, we’d need to make some sacrifices - but I think it’s worth it. We’d still have a good life, but just a little bit less money and a bit more time with the children.

I think this just makes sense. I don’t want nanny’s or grandparents to care for my kids on a regular basis because I can’t pick them up. Or for them to be at granny’s house when they’re sick.

I don’t want to do this anymore and I’m fine to take the hit financially. I make less than my H btw and I’m not saying I won’t work - but I’m looking to step into a less demanding role. You only get one life and I’m missing my children’s lives. They’re only young once. These years will pass.

Some people don’t have a choice, they can’t make ends meet. We have a choice. I could work a less demanding role and we could scale back on the extras and still be able to have a good standard of living.

I feel like I’ve been just plodding along, trying to make all this money and I’m hurting inside. I hurt to see my kids tell me they miss me and why can I not pick them up. I have a choice, I just need to move into a less demanding role.

they’re 3 and 5.

I know everyone will say, why doesn’t my husband step back ? It’s not about that. It’s about me. I want to step back. I want to be with my kids. They need me. Two big jobs are hard to maintain whilst having young kids- they suffer.

Since I’ve had kids I have had periods where I was in less demanding roles/ or briefly not in work and I am so much happier and so are they during those times.

recently I was made redundant and I’m therefore looking around again and really thinking what is the right thing to do now and I think chasing just the money just isn’t it anymore. Has anyone else done this ? Thoughts ?

I was really really ft for a bit and into covid. I neglected my dc terribly during the first couple of lockdowns and felt absolutely torn in 2. When we went back to going out to work and some of our wrap around and childcare options weren't available, plus the dc and I had all lost the stamina we previously had for being out of the house at 7am, I realised things needed to change.

I now work nearly ft but flexibly and mostly from home. I am available for my dc in a way that I wasn't before. They know they can stay home if they're poorly and that I will be at school events and parents eves and that I will facilitate playdates and sports clubs. They need me more not less as teens and I am so glad that I am much more present and have more headspace for them.

I think a lot depends on the financials. I haven't caused us any issues really, just more carefully planned holidays (and no Center Parcs weekends). It would be different if debt or mortgage issues were involved.

What does your husband want to do? Do you feel the same? We both have demanding jobs, we still work them and just shuffled our time a bit. Wouldn’t change it for the world. We can afford to have proper quality time (for us, as in we think it’s more quality).

We have wonderful holidays and weekends are completely free for just family stuff. To us that’s more important than snatching an hour or so for breakfast or the bit after school. We know we can afford to put them through uni or whatever they want to do, and for them to feel their parents are equal in terms of time and love.

But, it’s very personal, I wouldn’t give up my job for a bit in the morning or after school, I prefer more quality time and attention.

My mum gave up her job and I don’t remember any of it, even though she did so much. I feel quite sad she had to do that as I would have loved a strong role model for me, especially when you read about all the women on here that have been taken advantage of.

I took a step back and don’t regret it at all.

I used to hate the fact my children were in wrap around around care from 7.30-5.30 five days a week. We’d only get two manic two hours together as a family before they went to bed….and it wasn’t quality time either. Just a complete rush of cooking, eating, bath time and bed. I just hated it and so did they.

I still work but only during school hours now and although our lifestyle has had to change dramatically due to the drop in my income we are all so much happier for it.

If you spend time with your children you can build a relationship for life rather than some stranger in childcare inputting to your child. Bit like using screens, internet..random influences. Children are like sponges... just saying prestige and money can be chased again later

Your kids need you more than you realise. They prob don’t care about luxury and trappings / they need parental live and security which won’t be the same from anyone else. Possibly grandparents a good alternative, but if you’re striving up career ladder the kids will suffer. I gave up work when eldest was 2, took a 6m break and went back part time. Best decision ever for me n him. Was a shock to my finances but I would change a thing. DC are adults now snd im full time again.

There was some research showing (in USA) that 2 income families are MORE likely to go bankrupt than 1 income ones. "The two income trap" by Elizabeth Warren. It shows that the extra income is not as much as you think esp when you factor in added taxes and childcare and other costs.

I for one have seen how much more stressed 2 income families are, not just the parents, but the kids who are forced to go to endless clubs and never allowed down time or time to be bored. Not being allowed down time is what they do in CULTS. For me, kids mental health, having proper home made meals with the family everyday, time together during holidays are priceless.

However, you do need to think about future job prospects so i think realistically part time is best.

I am doing it. I am not going back into a full time role for now. Part time it is. I’m starting my own thing, on my own terms. A weight has been lifted.

Absolutely this!
Do it!
Do it now!
It's not just a cliche- in the blink of an eye they'll be grown ups!
My kids are 22 and 27. How did that happen?I feel like they should still be 5 and 10!
Luckily I worked as a childminder while they were growing up so I was there but, my God, those years have gone so very quickly!