To be a bit upset about how school have handled Xmas play

[Sprogonthetyne]

DS is in year 4, he's also autistic and struggling a lot with anxiety right now. He has an EHCP and is in an additional suport base at a mainstream school. He spends about 50% of the day in the base and 50% in MS class, but has not settled into this year well, despite been fine at this school for 4 years previously. Because he is unsettled the MS teacher made the decision to leave him out of the Christmas play. He does struggle more in high sensory environments, so this could have been done for his benefit, but he has been in it every other year and every other kid in the school (including other base children in same class) are included in Christmas plays.

This decision was not discussed with me or DS and it took him a few weeks to realise he was not in it (he spends time away from class anyway, so didn't notice straight away that he was been taken out for rehearsals). When he did find out he was really upset about been the only one left out, so I raised it with the school and they begrudgingly agree to give him a part and told me two songs his class would be singing, which we practiced at home, but he had already missed three weeks of rehearsals, which puts him at even more of a disadvantage on top of the SEN.

Friday was the first full profomance rehearsals and first time he rehearsed in school, he went on stage expecting to just sing, and everyone starts doing a little dance (hand actions) they had learnt in the rehearsals he wasn't at. He has never seen the dance before and has no idea how it goes, but was expected to do it with the rest of the year. He panicked at this, and walked out (not his best moment) which the school are taking as evidence that he isn't coping and should be pulled out again. I disagree and think his panic was understandable (though overboard), and could have been avoided by telling him in advance what he needed to do.

Since then I have been asking for them to either send me the notes for what the dance is so i can teach him or find time to show it to DS before putting him on stage to preform it in front of everyone, but they are reluctant and viewing his inability to do a dance they haven't shown him as a refusal to participate, and evidence he doesn't want to be in the play (he really does, he has rejection sensitivity and been different/left out is a major anxiety trigger for him).

After a lot of back and forth his 1:1 agreed to show him the dance and send me a video home to practice, but in doing so casually mentioned that they 'only' did two songs because he seemed to get disregulated when they started on the third. I'm not surprised, this is the first time either me or him have heard of there been more then two songs, so another unexpected change to him.

I know they are probably trying and it's a difficult time of year, but considering it was their choice to exclude him from rehearsals i think they should be trying to cover the stuff he's missed or at least giving me the information I need to catch him up. Putting him on stage without any idea what he's meant to do feels like they're settling him up for failure.

Sorry, just realised how much of a wall of text that is. I'm usually terrible at missing stuff and inadvertently drip feeding, so tried to get everything in

So the school keeps moving the goalposts? Not good.

I think at this late stage he already is, as you say, set up to fail. What’s your preferred solution / compromise?

They have not handled it well but are probably trying to do the best for all the children, especially your son.

What does he actually want to do? I think the road of least stress, is always the option I pick.

I don't know, it feels like they have painted us into a corner

If he's not in it, it will reinforced his anxiety about being different, and he'll convinced himself everyone hated him and doesn't want him around

If he's in it, he's terrified that it will change again and hell do it wrong, and is convinced that if he gets it wrong everyone will hate him.

Whatever we do at this stage is damaging his mental health, and causing stress that could have been so easily avoided it they'd had a brief conversation before excluding him. They'd have known from the start he wanted to be in it and could have let him go to rehearsal, then he'd at least be as prepared as tbe other kids (though still finding it harder due to sen)

Sorry but as a teacher I think that's absolutely shocking behaviour from the school. As a parent, I'd be kicking up a massive fuss! It's discrimination and they are setting him up to fail. Awful, I'm so sorry

This is sad, the communication is terrible. If they didn't think he could manage it, they should have discussed that with you

Teacher here, I absolutely would have asked you if you wanted him to be included. Very upsetting for you both sorry. I think this is disability discrimination tbh. He was set up to fail.

Thats the annoying part, im sure they thought they were doing the right thing but if they had just talked to me, we could have worked something out weeks ago. Even if we decided he should participate in a different way, we could have started with bigging up a different job for him instead of the starting point being him feeling excluded and desperate to be like everyone else.

The plays are always a struggle for him, but would be much less of a struggle if he'd been allowed to practice for as long as everyone else.

At my dc’s primary they would have special helpers doing lights, sound , moving set etc, got to wear all black (because they were tech team) but in reality they were autistic or other reasons why they struggled to do the play. My dd is autistic and the opposite, she had to be the star, though in later years they instead had her be chief accompanist as she played piano to a very high level

That sounds so much better. The way they are doing it is that his year is narrating. Every child in the year stands in a line and says one line, and then passes the mic on. Everyone is on stage for the full thing and all do the song/actions together. Because the other 59 kids are all doing exactly the same thing (which I'm sure they think is very fair and inclusive), it would be very obvious to him if he was the only one doing anything different.

I am very shocked about this. I’d ask for a meeting asap -not for this situation but to review how to avoid such situations in future. I honestly think at this point you should chalk this one up to a bad situation and sort out how to avoid a repeat. Can you just keep him home that day and do something super fun together?

Poor sweetheart. What a fucking shame. The arts can be absolutely transformative and a lifeline for so many SEN kids. The therapeutic effect that singing and dancing can have on some children is incredible, what a shame that the poppet is so keen and has been set up to fail like this.

It sounds like something that is likely to be best resolved through an actual in person conversation with the teacher primarily involved in the play plans for the class.

And working out together Whats going to be the best way forward. Keeping in mind that time travel isn’t possible.

That might be being in the back row so it’s singing only. It might be doing two out of three songs. It might be being the prompter.

Oh what a mess. I'm so sorry.

I think this is a case where it's helpful to do your absolute best to split this into two distinct problems to address and use that framing internally, with your DS, and when dealing with the school.

Problem 1, priority 1: What's done is done, this is the situation that exists. What is the least bad option available to help your DS through this xmas play? Ask for an in-person or phone meeting with the MS lead and whoever is in charge of the play to figure out a plan from here just in terms of the play (whether that's skipping it entirely, doing part of it, playing an off-stage role, etc). There's not going to be a perfect or even great option but everyone can work together to minimize the hurt.

Problem 2, priority 2: After the play (possibly at the start of next term) ask for a meeting to do a brief post-mortum on the communication failures and how anything similar will be handled moving forward. Don't discuss this at all until after the play.

Think flock of squirrels makes a great point, about focusing on getting through the play first before asking about how things would be done going forward

considering your son has a one to one, the teacher could have expended a small amount of effort in ensuring your son knew the details of the full play possibly the one to one could have taken him through the play and his part in it ages ago - it would be really unfair to expect anyone to be given part of a play to learn without even sharing the details of the full performane. The teacher sounds lazy unkind and image conscious.

Any suggestions on what you think would be the least bad option? I keep trying to think but every option we have left is horrible

He's already put lots of time and effort into practicing his line and the words for the songs we were told about, so he'll be frustrated at the waste of time if he doesn't get to be in it (explaining the sunk cost fallacy to an autistic 8yo will be challenging), as well as the rejection of been kicked out of the peer group, not once but twice!

He could just do the songs we were told about and learnt, it would be a rush to learn the actions, but we have the video now and could manage two songs in time. The issue with this is there's not really a back stage so he will have to just sit there while all the other children are singing/dancing, which he will find embarrassing. He's also had his confidence massively knocked by not knowing what to do when the dance started in rehearsal, so will struggle even more with feeling inadequate next to the other kids.

I could push the school to tell me everything he needs to know to participate, and try to help him learn it in the next few days, but this would be really stressful for him and possibly leave him overloaded and disregulated. Plus I don't think either myself or DS would be able to trust that they have actually told us everything.

@Sprogonthetyne I think you and the teacher (and maybe his aide?) will need to talk through possible solutions and make a call based on your DS. I know it feels counterintuitive to an extent but I do find it helpful in these situations to just say "This is where we are, and every option in front of us is not good. What's the least bad one?" It sounds like the biggest decisions will be whether he's going to be least distressed by being singled out to do something different on stage, by being left out/not participate in part or all, or muddling through while feeling behind.

Perhaps ask about a way to choreograph an exit for him so he could do one song and then walk off as part of the performance? Or could he and 1-2 other students hold props instead of doing the hand movements? Or it might just be best for him to push through learning and doing all of it as best he can and you all the adults can focus on praising how hard he's worked on it all and help him weather the feelings... you're the expert on your child and will make the best choice for him.

Agree with FlockofSquirrels, talk to main teacher in charge of play, to work out best way to manage it, and also check no more surprises. There must be some imaginative ways round him only doing, eg, 2 songs, if that's what's decided. And agree with PP that afterwards you need to speak to school as to how this poor situation came about/can be avoided in future.
I feel for you and your son. Best of luck in sorting something out.

I think you've found out why he is having a hard time in general this year. Has the school leadership changed?

Starting to worry you may be right. They're framing it as a him problem but refusing to acknowledge the reason he's straggling so much is because they've chosen to put him in a situation that's harder then everyone else.

(Preforming a play you've been taught vs having to improvise entire play because you were excluded and no one will tell you what you missed)

I really am starting to wonder how many of his over struggled could be because they are putting him into impossible/harder situations then the other kids, under the pretence of suporting disabilities. No changes in management but new class teacher this year, who is also the one sorting the play

Oh this is awful. I agree with the approach of solve the immediate problem first and the long term problem later.

Immediate problem - ask for a meeting with the classroom teacher and TA and insist you jointly agree a way tour DS can do the songs he's learned and either catch up the rest or gracefully depart the stage for the buts he can't catch up.

I love the suggestion of holding something so he doesn't have to do the actions. They could also do somethinglike give him a non singing role in the last song - could he with help throw buckets of torn up paper to look like it's snowing for example? Could a few children wave a torch or dress in hats and gloves or feed the pantomime horse/pretend to wash the windows/fold blankets for the baby Jesus/unwrap parcels whatever might fit with the theme?

Long term I would ask to have an informal chat with the governor responsible for SEN about your experiences and see what transpires from that.

How cruel that they've essentially set him up to fail! DD2 has ASD, ADHD and speech difficulties and I remember the years where the class teacher shoved the SEN kids at the back cos she didn't want to bother having to include them more than the bare essential, versus the wonderful teacher who paired the kids up to deliver their lines, so all could be included, even those with less clear speech as she'd pair them up with a good talker.

No solutions for you but it's an absolutely fucking awful way they've handled it and they've not even given him the chance to prove what he can do - or what he wants to do - and I'm cross as hell for you (and him)

School performances are chaotic. They won't be able to pre-warn about everything. If he's not great with change, I'd sit this one out or not push to sing the songs and dance the dance.

I think you’re an absolute hero mum OP, advocating for and supporting your son who imo has been absolutely let down by the school here 🙁

Damage control and trying to figure out what he would be most happy with is the only option really.

Have a chat with DS when he is calm/ happy (maybe a bit distracted doing something he enjoys?) and just casually see if you can find out what his preferred option is. If it’s doing the play then getting confirmed exactly what the school are doing to make up for the mess and ensure he is included