To be a bit upset about how school have handled Xmas play

[Sprogonthetyne]

DS is in year 4, he's also autistic and struggling a lot with anxiety right now. He has an EHCP and is in an additional suport base at a mainstream school. He spends about 50% of the day in the base and 50% in MS class, but has not settled into this year well, despite been fine at this school for 4 years previously. Because he is unsettled the MS teacher made the decision to leave him out of the Christmas play. He does struggle more in high sensory environments, so this could have been done for his benefit, but he has been in it every other year and every other kid in the school (including other base children in same class) are included in Christmas plays.

This decision was not discussed with me or DS and it took him a few weeks to realise he was not in it (he spends time away from class anyway, so didn't notice straight away that he was been taken out for rehearsals). When he did find out he was really upset about been the only one left out, so I raised it with the school and they begrudgingly agree to give him a part and told me two songs his class would be singing, which we practiced at home, but he had already missed three weeks of rehearsals, which puts him at even more of a disadvantage on top of the SEN.

Friday was the first full profomance rehearsals and first time he rehearsed in school, he went on stage expecting to just sing, and everyone starts doing a little dance (hand actions) they had learnt in the rehearsals he wasn't at. He has never seen the dance before and has no idea how it goes, but was expected to do it with the rest of the year. He panicked at this, and walked out (not his best moment) which the school are taking as evidence that he isn't coping and should be pulled out again. I disagree and think his panic was understandable (though overboard), and could have been avoided by telling him in advance what he needed to do.

Since then I have been asking for them to either send me the notes for what the dance is so i can teach him or find time to show it to DS before putting him on stage to preform it in front of everyone, but they are reluctant and viewing his inability to do a dance they haven't shown him as a refusal to participate, and evidence he doesn't want to be in the play (he really does, he has rejection sensitivity and been different/left out is a major anxiety trigger for him).

After a lot of back and forth his 1:1 agreed to show him the dance and send me a video home to practice, but in doing so casually mentioned that they 'only' did two songs because he seemed to get disregulated when they started on the third. I'm not surprised, this is the first time either me or him have heard of there been more then two songs, so another unexpected change to him.

I know they are probably trying and it's a difficult time of year, but considering it was their choice to exclude him from rehearsals i think they should be trying to cover the stuff he's missed or at least giving me the information I need to catch him up. Putting him on stage without any idea what he's meant to do feels like they're settling him up for failure.

I would assume how they’re handling this is representative of how they’re handling your son in general.

They manage to tell every other child what songs they will be singing and what dances they will be doing. It would literally have taken an extra 5 seconds to type the names of all the songs on the email. Maybe an extra 10 seconds to attach the actions PowerPoint they showed to the other children in rehearsals.

It's not a chaotic thing that has changed unexpectedly. It's information they knew the whole time and chose to withhold.

Another Teacher here. I don't work in primary anymore but this is absolutely shocking behaviour from the school and no, they are not doing their best by him. Poor thing, no wonder he feels so disregulated. I'd be complaining to the Head and then to the Governors if no joy from the HT

I think it is awful the school.didnt communicate their concerns for your DS. This has now escalated and is shouldn't have.

I'd be requesting a meeting with school to address his unsettled Y4 situation, that in future they discuss with events like this.

What do you think is best for your DS regarding the show?

Least bad sounds like:

Do two songs. With or without actions. Plan to be in second row so not obvious. Potentially learn third song so can do the same.

Help him understand that because he does a bit of mainstream and some not, he’s not done all the rehearsals and it wouldnt be sensible for someone who hasn’t been at all the rehearsals to try and do everything. The singing is the main bit, and actions only really needed for front row.

(some of which you may not agree with, or reasonably think are only applicable because of daft decisions by staff previously, but on a least bad way forward it’s got a lot going for it. Said aA someone who’s done a lot of rescue jobs on beaver and cub shows).

They didn’t even discuss this? I am appalled and sad for you and your son.

Never properly. He had already missed three weeks of rehearsals before I found out from crying DS that he was the only one not in it. I got in touch the next day but it took phone calls and emails to several people before they reluctantly agreed to include him.

I actually suggest three possible options at this stage,

• we make a video at home to play through the projector at the end(our preference)
• the include him with everyone else
• the let him stay off that day

Of the three the only one they would agree to was to put him in it, and even that was very reluctant (i had to go over teachers head) when I got the email with the two songs and the line, I thought it was sorted, we practiced that for a week and everything seemed OK. Then we found out about the dances and other songs.

I emailed the class teacher asking for the actions, which was ignored. I ask if I can come in to help with rehearsal (I often help with trips etc. so not to far out), but the teacher claims there won't be any more rehearsals (i don't believe this). Finally I got to talk to one of his lovely 1:1, who finally agreed to teach him the routine, and has arranged for me to pop along to rehearsals (suprise, suprise, there are more) just before a meeting I happen to be in tomorrow.

Annoyingly was in the school multiple over the time he was being kept out of rehearsals and had dozens of conversations with different staff members, not of whom mentioned it.

im sorry this is happening to you and your son. Only if it is possible maybe see if you can keep communications in writing for your own records.

What on earth is rejection sensitivity - asking quite seriously as I'm pretty sure I've had it my entire life, just never knew it was a thing. I just always thought that everyone didn't like being rejected......
Hope it all works out for your lad, it's really harsh for a small person to feel this way - & especially around Christmas....

No body likes being rejected. Rejection sensitivity dismorphia is a (usually) neurdivergent presentation where the person perceived and is afraid of rejection to a level that impacts dayly function, even when it is not there/ not intended. According to what I've read, perceived rejection feels like physical pain, though I've not experienced it and DS struggles to articulate it.

So for examp DS can struggle to start a piece of work, or panics if he doesn't instantly know an answer, because he might get it wrong, and then in his head everyone will judge/hate/rejecte him (especially written work, he often can tell you the answer, but doesn't like to writeit down, because then there would be permanent proof if he was wrong). He's been doing CBT to help him control the panic but we have battled through school refusal and regular panic attacks.

Son used to have the role of sound and lighting engineer in the Christmas concert. He loathed it generally too loud, too busy, too many people but he had a director's chair at the back of the audience with his title on and he would turn the lights on and off at start and end of performance and periodically someone would check in whether he could hear the cast and he'd thumbs up or thumbs down. He always got a mention in the programme credits and a thank you at the end. He was included in a way that worked for him which is what inclusion really is not leaving him out because it's difficult or putting him centre stage when he is uncomfortable to make it appear like inclusion.

The more you say about this OP, the more I think you've got one of those really shit years where the teacher just does not want the hassle of actually having to include a child with SEN. We've had a couple of those years with DD2 - once we raised a huge complaint through the SENCO and Head Teacher and the class teacher in question got completely reined in - but did hate me for the entire year (and I later found out slagged me off to colleagues and parents alike).

The second time it was just such a train wreck, with a SENCO who decided they just didn't believe in DD2's diagnoses, that we ended up leaving the school and having to work to undo a year of trauma (for both DD and us).

If it offers any hope though - secondary (and the subsequent choice of primary school) have been so much better, to the point that DD chose to join the school musical afterschool club as a teeny tiny Y7 and performed in that - when not many Y7s would do, fully mic-ed and costumed up and she's absolutely smashing it there now.

To the person who queried rejection - it's called rejection sensitive dysphoria (I will have butchered the spelling) and (as I understand it) it's a combination of how autistic people struggle to navigate social situations at the best of times, combined with previous trauma from all of this, and basically we (I'm autistic myself) experience rejection turned up beyond max at the slightest thing. To give an example - I work with two colleagues and I get on really well with both of them, however there are times when I work on projects with one and not the other, and times when the pair of them work together without me - yet I will still get absolutely panic stricken if we have a meeting and then it's like "OK, if Mary just stays on the call we can talk about what we're doing today" and I immediately assume they hate me, they're excluding me intentionally, no one is ever going to tolerate me as part of the team unless I'm of use to them etc etc. Because I know what it is, and why it happens, I can usually administer a mild mental arse-kicking to try to move on from it - but someone with less insight, or less emotional maturity or resilience or whatever - they can get really really sent into a spiral of mental health or challenging behaviour as a result of it - and even knowing full well what it is - it still is bloody painful and irritating to deal with as part of life. Hopefully that makes sense - some of my colleagues know how this manifests in me (they're all very clued in with autism because of the work we do) but I always present it as a "this is very much a ME problem - just tell me if I'm being ridiculous" rather than expecting them to change anything.

To add- this fear of being rejected or "failing" also means that I tend to work about twice as hard to be sure I'm NOT screwing something up - placing me at a much higher risk of burnout, running at a higher level of anxiety (again burning me out) and then the cognitive load of trying to navigate a social world where I have to explicitly think through social interactions other people navigate naturally alongside all of this.... you get the idea.

It can make for quite a fun can of worms once you start unpicking it all - and since I'm also trained in ASD diagnosis - I've done a LOT of unpicking! (I'm at the point where I have to have a sense of humour about it in my own situation or I'd go nuts).

I'm fucking brilliant at niche knowledge though - you want Pokemon, restoring vintage sewing machines, 3D printing, photography... I'm your woman.

Just an update. The play was today and he did great. Sat and joined in through 90% of it. Once he did his line (which was right at the end) he walked off stage insted of going back to his seat, so wasn't there for the last song & encore, but he didn't know either so would have just been sitting through it anyway and the way he left wasn't disruptive, so we'll call it a win.

The school tried very hard to keep him out of the final dress rehearsal by claiming we needed him to attend the meeting with me instead. This would have effectively made it impossible for him to be included in the final play, which I suspect was intentional. I had to be quite forceful in insisting we arrange the meeting to allow him to attend (he came in for 10 minutes at the beginning instead of 10 minutes at the end).

So glad it's over. So glad he got to be included. But so so disappointed that I had to fight them for his inclusion from beginning to end, and at how much additional stress that put on a child who is already struggling.

So pleased about your son, had been Wondering what happened. It’s great he’s got you fighting his corner. And more importantly things worked out well from his point of view.

i really hope the school thinks more carefully how they manage all the children in the SEN unit. I would suspect you’re not the only SEN family having difficulties at the school

Thanks for your update OP, so great to hear it went well. Your son did so well, what a star! That’s a real victory given the battle you had on your hands, you must be relieved.

Enjoy your Christmas and the break from school. I hope things run smoother for you and your son after Christmas break when everyone’s had a chance to decompress x

Sorry - posted before I saw the play is now over.
I'm very glad he got to have his moment.

I'm so glad to hear the play itself went well for your DS; you must be so proud of him, and I hope he's able to take some pride in his accomplishment too.

The way the school has handled this has continued to be so deeply upsetting. I don't know what's gone wrong on their end that they've been so obstructive and willing to damage the school-home relationship in order to avoid admitting they made a mistake, but I hope someone comes to their senses and works to rebuild trust.

I’m so pleased your son was able to take part. I would be having a serious conversation with the school about the breakdown of trust that they have instigated because of their approach to this situation. They’ve behaved shockingly and should be falling over themselves to apologise to you, and your son.