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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH arranges to eat with me, then eats by himself?

51 replies

tempname50 · 09/12/2025 14:33

DH has a habit of asking if I want to have lunch together, then eats his standing up in the kitchen whilst making mine, brings my lunch in but announces he has to get back to work/do some chore so I end up eating alone, pissed off and wondering what was the point of asking me to have lunch with him if he has no intention of stopping for lunch?

I wouldn’t have problem if he just said he hasn’t got time, but HE asks me before we start work if I’m free for lunch, then HE asks me again when he comes in if now is a good time for me to stop for lunch. (Never agrees a time in advance btw, or asks when would suit me, just announces he’s stopping for lunch now and I have to either go along with it or not). Then proceeds to wolf down his food before he has got mine ready.

He usually makes lunch as I do the school pick up – I have to fit my workload into a shorter day so I continue working while he gets lunch together. Often I can’t stop, but I make it clear when that is the case. But it’s literally a quick reheat or sandwich job he’s doing, nothing time consuming.

Today he specifically asked if we could chat xmas presents over lunch which I agree to, then he comes in at midday and asks if now was a good time for me to stop, and waves some leftover soup at me asking if I want it, I say yes and start wrapping up the work I was doing so I can stop. He brings me in barely two inches of reheated soup in a mug, doesn’t ask me if I want any bread or anything to go with it. He then goes back to the kitchen. I go into the kitchen to make some buttered toast, it takes 2-3 minutes max. By the time I’m done and bring my toast in to go with my soup he makes it clear he has already eaten and is showing no intention of sitting down, saying he has to pop out.

AIBU to be really pissed off about it? I’ve made it clear to him that I find it pretty rude, he apologises but then keeps doing it.

OP posts:
Anewgame · 09/12/2025 14:49

This reply has been deleted

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ThatWildMintSloth · 09/12/2025 14:57

Is it just poor planning on his part? He's overestimating how much time he has maybe?

After about the third time then I'd have just said thanks but no thanks as I'm always left to eat alone!

Original poster
tempname50 · 09/12/2025 15:04

If it was poor planning surely he'd wouldn't have eaten his lunch either? He goes ahead and eats his without saying a word to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
tempname50 · 09/12/2025 15:12

Also he's a high earning manager of a team, so effective time planning of his lunch break shouldn't be beyond him. If when he came in for lunch he said "sorry love work has run over so I have to eat and run", or "I only have 20mins today" I wouldn't mind a bit, but he comes in and confirms that I am still able to have lunch, then does everything but have lunch with me.

OP posts:
FastTurtle · 09/12/2025 15:14

Just say no when he next asks.

Sparkletastic · 09/12/2025 15:16

It’s a no to lunching together from now on unless he calls you to the table. Is he trying to make some kind of point albeit very badly?

Original poster
tempname50 · 09/12/2025 15:18

He keeps apologising and promising not to do it and then does it. So I get caught off-guard as he's convinced me it won't happen again.

OP posts:
glendabrownlow · 09/12/2025 15:20

Next time, don't believe him. Make a lovely lunch for yourself every lunchtime.

Tontostitis · 09/12/2025 15:23

Say no thankyou and stick to it

NuffSaidSam · 09/12/2025 15:25

It sounds absolutely infuriating, but also one of those weird quirks in someone's personality that you might just have to accept. One of those things that's so odd you just can't work out WHY. Why does he do it?!?! There is no sense to it, but alas he does it anyway.

I think a lot of people have these (maybe you have one?). About half the threads moaning about friends/colleagues/in laws/parents are about these.

If he's otherwise a good bloke, who you enjoy having around, I'd just accept this quirk of his character and say "No, I can't stop for lunch today". Solve the problem from your end. If this in one in a long line of irritating issues then obviously LTB.

ginasevern · 09/12/2025 16:59

This is really weird OP. Is it possible that he feels he ought to spend time with you and discuss a household chore (or whatever) but when the time comes he basically bottles it/can't be bothered?

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/12/2025 17:14

tempname50 · 09/12/2025 15:18

He keeps apologising and promising not to do it and then does it. So I get caught off-guard as he's convinced me it won't happen again.

You know fine well his promise not to do it again is worthless, so for the love of God stop falling for it!

Every time he asks - say no. He apologises and promises - it's still no. He specifically asks for a particular conversation - no, we can talk this evening.

There's a saying - 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. Your 'do' is to agree to have lunch together. Your 'get' is that it doesn't happen. So stop doing what you've always done, stop agreeing and just say no. Work to your own schedule, not his. Don't wrap up to suit him, do it to suit you and you only.

And if he has a problem with that, it's on him, him and his broken promises and insincere apologies.

Mrsgus · 09/12/2025 20:47

If he has time to make and eat all of his lunch before you finish up whatever you are doing, perhaps he is put out that hes having to wait for you every time. I can't fathom why he isn't making yours at the same time as his either?

Perhaps you could have something prepared you will both eat that requires no prepping/heating etc so you do have time to sit down together.

whatisforteamum · 09/12/2025 20:57

Maybe he has a hyperactive mind like mine and races onto the next thing,or anxiety around food.
Is he generally an avoidant man.?

Original poster
tempname50 · 09/12/2025 21:02

He's not waiting for me? I'm just wrapping up whatever I'm working on while I'm waiting for lunch to be ready. He's asking me to have lunch with him, he's making his first, then wolfing it down while he's making mine, then leaving me to eat mine on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
tempname50 · 09/12/2025 21:23

whatisforteamum · 09/12/2025 20:57

Maybe he has a hyperactive mind like mine and races onto the next thing,or anxiety around food.
Is he generally an avoidant man.?

Not hyperactive, but yes he is avoidant.

OP posts:
JWhipple · 09/12/2025 21:27

So he tells you when you are to take your lunch

You wind up your work to eat lunch. By yourself. At the time he tells you.

Yeah, obviously it's not his problem is it, poor man with an important job/probably ND. Silly OP being bothered by having her working day consistent disrupted for no reason by somebody who doesn't value her job or time.

Shortpoet · 09/12/2025 21:28

Why does he make the lunches separately? Are you having the same thing or different?

AuntieLemonade · 09/12/2025 21:28

Stop dancing to his tune!!!

Original poster
tempname50 · 09/12/2025 21:42

JWhipple · 09/12/2025 21:27

So he tells you when you are to take your lunch

You wind up your work to eat lunch. By yourself. At the time he tells you.

Yeah, obviously it's not his problem is it, poor man with an important job/probably ND. Silly OP being bothered by having her working day consistent disrupted for no reason by somebody who doesn't value her job or time.

Thank you, your reply made me smile. And hit the nail on the head as to why I feel so pissed off with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
tempname50 · 09/12/2025 21:46

Shortpoet · 09/12/2025 21:28

Why does he make the lunches separately? Are you having the same thing or different?

Generally it's whatever's in the fridge that needs eating up. Plus he has an allergy so while I can eat the kids leftovers, he can't. But even if we're having the same thing he still does it. So for example if he's made soup he'll neck his while mine is in the microwave. I could just be ok with it if he then sat down with me and had a coffee or some fruit or something while I ate. But he doesn't even do that.

OP posts:
Butterflywings84 · 09/12/2025 21:59

Next time he asks I’d say yes you are free but only if he is actually going to sit down so you can eat together. Don’t get caught out again and make it clear what your expectations are if you drop everything because it is now a convenient time for him.

PullTheBricksDown · 09/12/2025 22:07

FastTurtle · 09/12/2025 15:14

Just say no when he next asks.

This. Say if he makes you some lunch you'll stop to eat it later. If then he says 'don't you want to eat with me?' you can point out what you've said here.

Shortpoet · 09/12/2025 22:09

Can you ask him to make yours first, or if you’re having the same he makes them both at same time (eg both soups in a pan, vs separately in the microwave).

Would he agree to making yours first, do you think?

LateLifeReturnee · 09/12/2025 23:19

My husband of 30 years never makes me lunch. Never.

Today, great example. I'm getting off work early today because of the storm, tell him we could eat together. He says that sounds good.

Get home, he's almost finished his lunch (I arrived dead on the time I said I would.) No lunch made for me.

Other times, we're in the middle of a job, painting a room whatever, he'll just wonder off and make lunch for himself.

If I stop to eat in the same circumstances, I always ask and almost alwsys prepare lunch for us all, including the children if they are home.

This is about his only weird flaw Quirk maybe a better term. He doesn't consider lunch a communal family meal.

I just never expect lunch even if today he indicated he'd make me something.

I suggest, if like mine, he's pretty good i every other way, just live with it. It used to drive me mad but it wasn't a dealbreaker.